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Well hey there...it has been a hot minute since I have visited this space! Shew. Reading through these old posts feels like a walk down memory lane of a life that was lived long ago. Its as if  I'm walking into a room I once knew. I gaze and see the leather bound book, holding the story of my life, lying on the table. Getting a closer view, I step in to open its web filled case; blowing off the dust as I enter in. Its familiar,  homey and I'm feeling all kinds of nostalgia as I survey posts from the past. 

Its been 2 years and 4 months since this creative outlet has received the poetic cries of my heart. For some reason I turned by back on this space...life just got too hard and I chose to close the door.. I am not sure how this revisit will go; tossing around the thoughts of: will it ignite a desire for the narrative to begin again or has the yearning all been used up? 

I am not sure yet...time will tell as it always does. 

Footing

A week or so ago I went to a leadership conference called Catalyst. This has been a conference that has shaped me and my husband’s leadership and obedience in following Christ. This was year 14 that we have attended and as you can surmise, it has been very pivotal in our lives. This year was no different. There were a lot of “gold nuggets” I will carry with me from this year. All of the talks spoke directly to my heart, but there was one talk that stood out the most to me. It was the first talk, given by Andy Stanley.  The passage of scripture he was talking about was Matthew 6:24-34, and he specifically narrowed in on v. 33 “But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” He went on to explain that the above verses on don’t serve two masters, and on worry, and things that don’t matter aren’t possible until you SEEK HIM FIRST…because if we seek God first, as our master of our lives, all the other things will just fall into place….and what I realized was this…..

I have been trying to articulate it like this—when I was at the beach a few weeks ago, I got caught in a wave that kept spinning me around and around. I could not find my footing! I was started to get really scared because my air was running out and so quickly in my mind I said “LORD HELP!” Immediately I found my footing! Wouldn’t you know, when I stood up I was standing in thigh high water, that is it…….God  used this picture to show me this is how I have been feeling for a while now.

A quick back story, there were some pretty significant things that have happened in my life this past year & ½. Including some roles I was playing that ended abruptly. Not in a bad way, just a change of direction, but what that change did was….it left me feeling like I was at the beach; caught up in a wave that is just tossing me around and around and around. It has been disorienting, I have felt lost and I have felt confused. I have lost stability in certain friendships, (purely due to season of life) but life has just felt so up in the air I haven’t been able to find my footing.

Then what God showed me through Andy’s talk was a “find my footing” moment. This moment happened when I realized that haven’t found my footing in life again because I have stopped asking for His help. I have felt so lost, confused, unsure and just like what the heck am I doing on this planet---that I stopped asking God for help.

He showed me that I haven’t found my footing because I haven’t been seeking Him first. I’ve been too afraid to be rejected or too afraid that he would lead me to something just to take it away again. So I just allowed the waves of life to put me into a spin cycle. Cycling around and around again for the past year and ½.

What a sad life. I mean seriously. The only reason I haven’t found my footing again is because I haven’t asked him for it? Oh foolish Israelite am I.

SO I am asking for footing again. I am in my closet (literally) asking him to show me what he has for me. If the answer is to keep doing I’ve been doing, then I will ask, “Ok God, how can I do it with 100% effort and zeal that you ask me to” ---and I will search how to not get complacent and feel like “this is all life is.” I will choose to be content with this position in the here and now.

You see the Lord never promises that life will work out just like we hope it will. He never promises that we will always feel successful and fulfilled at all times. But what the does promise is what is found in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

I don’t want to waste one more day spinning around in a wave. I want to seek him, remain in Him, know Him and stay close to Him, and as I do – I will bear much fruit. He says it is so.

The Crushing

Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
Ever have those seasons when you feel as if you are being crushed under the weight of a big wave? Feeling lost, spinning around, gasping for air; unsure if you will ever find your footing?  That's were I have been these past 2 years. Life has thrown some major "ocean waves" at me. To the outside eye life would seem normal and nothing that can't be "handled" on a daily basis; or so goes the assumption in my head of what an outsider sees.
To the outsider life may seem good and easy and fun. But what has been inside my world has left me grasping for air, wondering if I will ever find my footing again. Fear and the temptation to give into hurt knock at my door constantly. Wondering where I fit in because, in this current season, it has felt as if all the areas of security that I once had known, have also been shaken up and jostled by their own waves of life. Nothing stable. Nothing secure. Tossing, wrestling, spinning, creating chaos has been the anthem for these past 18 months. This crushing has not been isolated just to me either. Its all around me.
Because of that, I am not quite sure how to find my footing again.
I am however, not lost at sea and for that I am grateful.
I am on the shore of life, in the break and wave after wave has won and rendered me useless. Only until I can stop, stay calm, and simply ask the Lord to help me find my footing again, will I truly be able to stand again.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
To stand would mean to accept a new normal. To stand would be to say goodbye to years in the past. To stand would mean to admit defeat; to acknowledge that I have allowed these waves to crush me. One by one, over and over, they came. I wasn't aware of the spin cycle they threw me in to, but now I see it.
To stop spinning would mean bravery for a new beginning.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.

Good Stuff

If a public figure could be a mentor to me, I have 2. Dr. Leaf is one of them! This article is so very good and I just had to share!

Our differences do not need to divide us. Regardless of what other people believe, do, or say, we can respond in love. Indeed, we can’t control people, but we can control how we react to people. 

Read article here:
https://drleaf.com/blog/lets-talk-about-politics/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Lets%20Talk%20About%20Politics&utm_content=Lets%20Talk%20About%20Politics+CID_5944f7fd9412d5bcd87128651415a6f2&utm_source=Email%20Blast&utm_term=READ%20ARTICLE

New Season

If you would have asked me back in June what I was going to be doing on Tuesday Aug 14th with BOTH kids in school, my response was a resounding, “Find a field of flowers then run & twirl in it!” And I meant it! 

These past 6 years have come with so much joy but man, also so much work!! Every mom knows the first 5 years of a kids life take endurance and definitely are not for the faint of heart. They take patience and strength and hopefully each of us endure them with great fortitude. 

But as I sit here with many afternoons before me absent of kids....honestly, running in a field is the last thing I want to do. 

I absolutely love watching my kids grow and am SO excited for this new season for them (and me).....tomorrow I will stand back up but for today...I am going to sit and let the tears fall; embracing this little twinge of pain in my heart as I grieve (yet rejoice) this mountaintop view I face with this closing chapter. Here is to a new season.....💕

Lessons from SOTR

Well its been a few weeks, but….I DID IT!!! I completed my first century, a very very intense century I might add! It was 8,655 feet of elevation, and I felt every foot of it! Without being dramatic, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, truly! We have talked to a lot of people who have completed this specific century (100 miles of cycling) and the look I get over and over with the words following are, “Wow you completed that?!” No small feat at all. 

I think for me, the physical side of this ride wasn’t the biggest accomplishment for me; it was the mental accomplishment of this ride that I am the proudest of. This ride required me to dig into a place in my mind that I have never tapped into before. I had to get to the point where—even if I was alone doing this ride, this was something I wanted to accomplish—and I did it! I pushed past the spaces in my mind that lie to me and say “I can’t,” and I said back to them “YES you CAN!” and I did. 

For me I fully believe outside of the love and support from my family and friends I would not have been able to complete this ride. There were so many spiritual aspects and parallels that happened on this ride for me as well. 

The first being, we were never meant to journey life alone. We weren’t. God has created us to be communal beings and I think one of the biggest traps of the enemy is tricking us into believing that we can run this course of life alone, or that it is better to run life alone. Its not. Running alone keeps us isolated and weak. 
I saw this on this ride. Within 10miles of the ride my husband and I picked up a lone straggler who was riding alone and we all chose to ride together. When one was slower the other 2 waited, when one had a problem with their bike, we all waited, when we rode faster, we rode faster together. We gained strength from one another. Life is better together. 

The second thing I saw on this ride is that life—while we were meant to journey together—we don’t always keep the same people on the course with us the whole time. 
Life has seasons; people come in and they come out. 
I saw this example on the ride as well. There is a section of this ride that is the steepest part of the climb. Its called Thunder Ridge and it is on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It is 13miles of uphill….elevation totaling 3,700 feet by the time you get to the top. It is an intense hour and a ½ of straight climbing, and it is hard!! 
But what I saw on this section of the ride was this…..we were all struggling together! We all were in pain, together! 

There were times when riders would come up alongside you for a few miles and just chat, and then they would be off. There were times on the climb you would need to pass someone because they weren’t keeping the pace you needed to keep, so you climbed on ahead. There were times where you would need to pick a rider to focus on because their cadence was faster than yours so it took your mind off the pain for a little bit. Then there were the ones that were ahead of you a little ways and you would have to focus on them knowing once you got to where they were there was only a little bit left.  
And finally, in these seasons of life, there are going to those that come alongside of you to encourage you and the very moment you need it most. 

This is so indicative of how life really is. It is so important to recognize that the seasons in your life don’t last forever. Sure, there are going to be those that run hard alongside us for our lifetime, but there are going to be some seasons that we run with others that don’t last as long, so make the most of them, and take no day for granted.  

So I guess my question to you is, are you running life alone? Life is meant to be lived together so if you are; take a risk and find a community, commit to it, and refuse to run alone. You won’t regret it.

SOTR 2018

SOTR 2018

For those of you who don’t know, one huge milestone in a cyclist’s life is to complete your first century. That is, riding 100 miles in one day…..I will attempt this in a ride called SOTR (Storming of Thunder Ridge). It is a big ride that happens in my town each May. I signed up for this with a friend who asked me to do it with her to complete this “impossible” goal. And as I do; I wrangled another friend in as well as my husband. After all, if I’m going down, they are coming with me. 

As time as past, I have been training really hard for this, and one by one the friends I was doing this ride with have had to back out due to injuries. I am a “do with” type person. I don’t like “do alone” activities often. I like my alone time for about an hour a day and then I’m good. I like to be with others and accomplish things together. So the thought of them not riding this ride with me sent me into a defeated mental state. So I was faced with the question: “Why am I doing this ride??”

So I made a “why I would do it” and a “why I wouldn’t do it” list….then I met with my nutritionist and I talked with her about this whole thing; the possibility of being faced with riding it alone. She gave me a really good filter. 

She said, “If that day came and went would you have regrets about not doing it?” The more I think about it the more I know I would regret not doing it. I have been training for this, and then to just not do it…doesn’t sit well with my soul. 

As I looked over my lists the reasons on my “why I wouldn’t do it” list are all fear driven….I would totally have a huge regret about it if I went into age 40 knowing I trained for this and then gave up. I’d be so disappointed in myself that I let fear control me yet again. 

And as she was talking to me, the tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t control it. This whole thing is so indicative of my whole life. I push and I can challenge myself to a point, but then when life gets to a place that I deem “too hard” I quit. I give up. I see it all over my life. 

 My life has been controlled by fear. I have mental toughness to an extent but when it is time for the point where I need to have a mental break through I give up. 

And why? Because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to do this ride alone….so then I asked myself another question, “Why?? Why are you so afraid?! “

And the reason is because I’m afraid of this ride being too hard. It is 100 miles WITH 9200 FEET of elevation!!! That is more than I have ever done by 6000 feet! I’m also afraid of failing and not being able to finish it, I’m afraid of it being too hot, I’m afraid of slowing my husband down, I’m afraid of it all……..and this is the pattern in my life. When it gets too hard or I push to the point where there may be some actual true breakthrough---I give up. I sabotage and I walk away. I stay in my ‘safe place’ of “good enough” instead of allowing God to truly take me into the unknown with him. 

I honestly am wondering if God is intentionally stripping people way so I can’t lean on anyone but him for this. This will be the hardest thing physically yet, but the hardest thing mentally I have ever done….and the thought of that terrifies me. 

Ultimately, If I looked down past my life and I did give up and I didn’t do SOTR I would regret it, and I would know that the reason I quit is purely because mentally I gave up. Because at this point that is what this is—physically I can…..its the mental part that has me believing “I can’t”.

It’s almost as if, completing this ride will be like I’m taking that little girl who is inside of me that was made fun of back in elementary school and was told lie after lie of how she wasn’t “enough” and its as if I’m saying to her, “You are not her anymore!!You don’t have to be!”  Its about changing the tape loop in my head to say “I CAN DO IT!” 
And I CAN DO IT! 

I’m doing it. 

I’m going to ride my own race, and I’m going to push my mind past what I’ve tricked myself into believing that I can’t do….and with Jesus on that bike with me—we can! 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am WEAK, then I am STRONG.”

SO in my weakness I will attempt my first Century on May 20th! I’ll keep you posted!