2008

Its been a while huh?!? There has been a lot going on, obviously! The biggest thing is that my computer broke! So that has been the main reason for my absense....well pretty much the only reason. I've not had the time I used to have to just sit down with my thoughts and type them out, often wondering if there is a soul out there who even hears this.
My heart is heavy today. There is so much change around me lately and with growing up. I sometimes feel like I am spinning around so fast that I can't get my eyes to stop and focus. It seems like there are things happening and changes being made that just are hard to deal with and so subconsiously I don't allow myself to stop and focus, because if I did focus, I may see something that potentially could hurt me if I let it in and too close to my heart. So as a coping mechanism I just keep on spinning. I keep the forground blurry. I guess there is just too much risk involved in starting to focus.
An example would be, I feel like I jump from friend to friend. I feel like I get bored or something and then pick another friend to get close to. its weird. Its not how I want it! In fact I wish I had one friend, that I was with all the time and that is who I hung out with. I guess I just havent' found that one person that I connect 100% with. I do have one friend and she is in IL so that doesn't help me any. I'm just having a rough day I guess. I wish I were happy all the time like I used to be. When did that change? And why does that change. I guess you just get so much of life that it all just stops being funny.

All is calm & all is bright...

All IS calm. All IS bright.
I did it. I forgave. And it feels good. It feels free.
I learned from my friend that forgiveness is just...a choice. So I am CHOOSING to forgive. To lay down the hurt, the pain, the question why, and walk away. I'm extending grace & I finally have a deep grasp on what that word forgiveness means.
What a better day to mark it on than the celebration of the birth of my savior. Happy Birthday Jesus. I hope you are honored by my gift to you. An act of obedience.
All is calm, and all is bright.
Merry Christmas everyone!

Forgiveness

I discovered I have to forgive someone. I'm just not sure how, you know? Yah its one thing to say I forgive you...and move on....but how do you MOVE on? How do you take the hurt away and how do you not feel the feelings you have been trapped into feeling over and over? And how do you let it go?? What does that even look like. And what do you do when you say ok I walk away? I lay this down and I turn my back and walk the other way...and then these feelings that you let go rise up again in a month?? How do you do that??
I want to forgive and offer grace and mercy but I just don't know what that action looks like over the long haul.

Stuck

I have a problem. Now after reading that line, you are probably one of two things: turned off or intrigued. Turned off because you are kind of nervous that this blog you are reading is written from some kind of a freak, OR intrigued because you want to find out what the problem is. I think this is a loaded statement, I have a problem. I think all of us have some sort of 'problem.' My just happens to reside in the relationship side of life. See I have been discovering about myself that I find my identity, my self worth, my reason for being, and need to be accepted in other people. I put all my hopes and fears, and expectations on other people, and well...we all know where that gets us! Or do we? I wonder if we really knew and understood where that got us...if we'd really still have our 'problem' you know? Would we keep them? Would we hang onto them? I'm not sure we would. See I think part of the reason we keep our problem is because we don't recognize we have it until it gets placed right in front of our faces some how. So that is where I'm at, its been placed right in front of me & now I'm trying to figure out how to not keep it. How do I get rid of the problem? That is the part that is tripping me up. Any suggestions?

Thankful

Merriam-Webster.com defines THANKFUL as:

Pronunciation: \ˈthaŋk-fəl\
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
1 : conscious of benefit received
2 : expressive of thanks
3 : well pleased : glad
— thank·ful·ness noun

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As I read definition 1, it really got me thinking...."Conscious of benefit received." That statement just rings so loudly to me....conscious of benefit received....How many "benefits" do I receive on a daily basis that...I'm not even conscious of?? Lets just name a few today...I woke up with two perfectly working healthy legs that walked me down to the laundry room where I was able to do my laundry with no lines. Then I was able to grind up my Starbucks coffee & make it in my coffee pot that was GIVEN to me. I was able to use my oven to cook the yummy goodness that is Cinnabun Cinnamon rolls. I was able to sit on my relatively comfortable couch & watch the MACY'Sparade on my TV,which has been an American tradition for over 75 years. Then from there I was able to prepare part of a dinner that could have fed 15 people, which only fed 6. I was able to hang out with some really good friends, and enjoy really good conversation. After a while I was able to get in our brand new car and drive our friends to a movie. I was able to come back home after I saw a really good film, that ended a really good day, & get under my really warm comforter & starting thinking about this "Thanksgiving Day."
I have so much to be THANKFUL for! I'm going to try to make it my goal to start to be conscious of the benefits I receive!
Here's to a happy, thought filled, love shared, heart warming, benefita received, Thanksgiving day!
I hope yours was as good as mine!

Fall

Today I wanted to take some time and capture some of the beauty of fall...my camera doesn't do justice to how truly amazing these colors were in person, but I wanted to post them becuase this is one of the many reasons why I love the fall!! Truly amazing!

Let freedom ring....

Those words have never rang more true to my heart than today. I've heard those words over and over and then over again, and they never really meant anything to me. Isn't it funny how words, peoples words, and peoples stories that you hear don't really ring true to your heart or hit that connection point with you, until you actually go through it yourself?
I took a step toward freedom today. Let me back up...I'm on this journey of pursuing Christ & trying to figure out what that even looks like. Last night he brought me to a conversation that was pretty hard to hear actually. It was one of calling me out of myself, and those are never fun! However, it revealed to me my need for acceptance and validation from people, from humans. I exist in this yearning, this longing, this constant state of hanging on words people say to me. I become what they think of me. Their opinion mattes most. Their responses to me can have me floored for days, wondering why they didn't call me back. Its this unhealthy need to be thought of, or considered the best. It strokes my ego. It validates me. It makes me who I am.
or does it.
See, I'm learning that in all of this, this life, this journey; its not about me. Its not about what people think of me. Its not about what they say about me, its not even about if they like me. (that one's hard to swallow.)
Its about a relationship between the Creator, and the Created. Its about hanging on every word, thought, emotion, feeling felt from and by Him. its considering His opinion ABOVE anyone Else's. Its caring about his opinion above anyone Else's. And its learning what His opinion is! See, I'm also seeing that...in order to feel validation from someone they have to know you. And you know them. if not, the level to which the words strike a cord in you has a drastic difference. And if I'm to find my validation, my self worth, my ego strokes in him, I have to know who He is & I have to let him know me. I have to let go, jump in, trust him & then Let Freedom Ring!