There are things in life that bring about change. Some times you just need to have a change. Change can come in many forms....change can be small suddle things or change can be that drastic thing everyone notices.
I've been involved in some change lately. There are things that just have been weighing me down for quite some time. I was reminded of the saying, "Crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." That is what I was doing. I was hoping by doing the same thing, I would get a different result. Not sure why i thought that saying was applicable to everyone else but me, but for some reason that is where I found myself. Then I hit me when I was right back in the very place I was trying to get away from when I started this 'need for change' journey I'm on. So this time, after much hurt, much soul searching, I have finally broken that cycle of where I was.
(I know this isn't making much sense to anyone, but just bare with me.)
I took that step off the crazy cycle. i broke the pattern, and you know it has indeed been different! I have found an inner strength that i didn't know I had. I have found a freedom that I didn't know would come with stepping out of the crazy cycle. And most of all I have honored my Father by taking this step.
I am not sure how this new journey looks. I am taking one step at a time. I am walking blindly here, hoping Lord, that you will light my next steps as I take them. i took the step out of the crazy cycle and quite frankly I'm a little nervous. The crazy cycle is all I've known. Its how I've lived my life for the past 7 years. Its what I know. I am so thankful that the time has come to step out, but I'm scared. I'm scared of trusting that you know what is best for me. I'm scared that you will call me to one more hard thing & I'm not sure I can handle one more hard thing. I feel like its been a constant 2 years of you bringing up the crap in my heart and in my life & I'm not sure i can take much more. I really don't. I don't know how to do this relationship that I'm in covenant with. I don't know how you are going to make it work for 30 more years. I don't. I want to trust that you will, but I need you to show me something. Show me just a piece of what I'm doing has some good. All the muck and crap that has been rearing its ugly head, isn't all for nothing. show me that there is some light at the end of this tunnel. Because I can't see it. I feel like it just keeps getting piled with more and more crap. And I'm tired. I'm tired of relationships being to hard, I'm tired of fighting with people, I'm tired of doing this. all of it. I am begging you to show me something. show me a piece of you, show me that there is good in this. show me why I shouldn't give up. you said that to me today, but show me why.
I need something.
I need to see you.
I need to hear from you.
I need you to comfort me.
I need you to hold me & tell me it will be alright.
I need to see the hope that you really do offer.
I need to feel you close to me.
I need to know that you are still for me.
I need to feel validation from you.
I need you to SHOW UP.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of the crap being brought up in my life.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm tired of there always being something that needs worked on.
I'm tired of the daily struggle.
Can you show me you.
Can you make this change for me.
I'm tired of walking.
