End of April?
2018?
Have four months really come and gone?
Well indeed they have. I knew this would be a long hard run, but I didn't really know how long and how hard it truly would be.
2018 started off with me at the start line and when the gun went off. I started in a full out sprint. And have been sprinting ever since. Over committed? Yes. I for the first time in my adult life know what it means to overcommit now. This past season has been the hardest season, and outside my relationship with Christ, I'm not sure how I am about to cross the finish line.
You see, the last half of 2017 was a very difficult year in marriage. I haven't really had a season where it was just hard. like plain hard; until then. Sure we have had our weeks when we just don't connect and things are off, but we always come back around and connect after a few days.
There was no coming back around and connecting during this time. It just felt difficult over and over, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel...that I could see at least. There were many things contributing to this lack of connection; mainly me. I say that in all sincerity too. When your mind is off and focused on toxic thinking--your life will be full of toxic thoughts.
January 2018 rolled around and I was so happy to see a new year come. "New year New you" as they say....to which my sprint started. I was in a new leadership position at my church; one I felt totally unqualified for. I was trying to lead and messing up along the way....to which that brings needing to clean up the messes that were made. Conversation after conversation. In order to connect more as a couple, I agreed to join another environment to serve with my husband in for 6 weeks. It served its purpose, connection happened, but so did exhaustion. Serving in two different relational areas is not for the faint of heart. On top of all that, I said yes to speaking at a women's conference that was supposed to happen the beginning of March. This would have been my very first big speaking event. I was a breakout speaker for this conference and I was going to be speaking on having Hope in our insecurities (a topic near and dear to my heart). The weeks leading up to this conference were filled with so much stress and sleepless nights. You see, public speaking is one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest. So there were many nights of tossing and turning knowing the day of the conference was fast approaching. You see, knowing you can trust God and ACTUALLY trusting God are two very very different things. I know that now. Well the weekend of the conference got there, and would you believe it....there was a random storm that came and knocked the power out of the church building where the conference was going to be hosted and THEY HAD TO CANCEL IT!!! Shocked??? Um yes!! Me too! I was like whaaaaaaaat?????? HOW did I get out of speaking!?!?!?!?! I thought laughingly. Then as if I smacked into a brick wall.....it hit me.....that still small voice of the Holy Spirit, "See Janna, all those weeks of fretting, stress eating, worrying, fearing......for nothing. All of it, just wasted breath for nothing."
In shock I stood there--I wasted WEEKS of my life worrying about this conference. Fretting. Fearing. Dreading. For. NOTHING. Matthew 6:25-34 is true people--worrying adds NOTHING to you life. Nothing. It was a huge marker moment for me in my life. One I will cherish forever. It is one thing to KNOW you can trust God with things in your life, but it is a totally different ball game to actually trust God with the things in your life. There is a difference, and I now know I trust him with my life.
The conference, or lack there of, came and went and I was on to the next leg of this sprint I have been on. I committed to 6 weeks of teaching a Bible Study I wrote about 8 years ago, called Made for More. As I have been venturing through these past few weeks, I realized the March conference canceling needed to happen for me to get through these past 6 weeks. I have had to trust God with all of me as I've walked out this long hard run. Its been so hard pouring out all of me in front of a group of 60 women each week. I think it might have been easier if I found some sort of joy from speaking in front of people, but it is purely an act of obedience for me; which is why I think it feels so exhausting. I am entering into the last week of teaching tomorrow, and I am glad. Not because I haven't seen God moving; in fact one lady accepted Christ as the Lord and Leader of her life during this study!! YAY!!! But I'm glad because I am ready for a season of rest. This long hard run, has well, indeed been a long hard run, and I am tired.
I fully plan on getting back to my first love, blogging more (I hope), and seeking out the next adventure the Lord has for me on the horizon. I am not quiet sure what it will be, but what I do know is that he is so worth trusting and following. So! wherever you are in your long hard run called life, I pray you are finding the beauty in the chaos as well.
Till next time! xo
