Well. I can honestly say, its official, I am blown away. And in awe of how the Lord seems to be showing me how he is laying down each puzzle piece one at a time; as the time comes for it to be laid down.
Last night we were invited to dinner at a couple in the church's house with our Lead Pastor & his wife, Woody & Nan. After sometime of being there....of course in conversation they asked were we are with the whole having kids thing. Jeremy & I looked at each other & we were like ugh....and then laughed awkwardly & it was just an awkward moment....so instead of lying. We were honest & told them the whole story of how God brought us to the place of adoption. (And of course nan was crying! haha) and then she said that Mary(another lady in our church) had just contacted her about a 15 year old girl she knows that is looking for someone to adopt her baby. And we said yes for sure we are interested. So nan is going to contact Mary today & we'll walk through this door God is potentially opening.
Woody laughed after nan said that & looked at Jeremy & was like are you REALLY ready?!!? haha
So YEAH! We'll see. My hopes aren't up though. I mean by this time she could have already found someone & I get that. We're just walking through doors that are opening!!! And I'm so excited that he is showing me one puzzle piece at a time, how HE is working this out!!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Reversal of Destiny
Over this last week & 1/2 I've been in a place of trying to figure out the ending in this story. Thinking, planning, an boarder line obsessing over an outcome. Almost to the point of trying to manufacture an outcome myself because I can see those results faster than the ones God has planned.
I do this.
I'm a control freak. Its a problem.
Last night in our Beth Moore study of Esther, she was talking about how all through out the Bible there are different stories where peoples destinies were reversed. The reversal of destiny due to a situation that happened, a life course was changed.
Here is the intro statement:
The 6th chapter is the "hinge of the story of Esther." God appoints or allows circumstances (often crises) in our lives to redirect our paths. Today we explore the unexpected pivot point of Esther by giving a name to an important concept in the book: The reversal of destiny.
We looked at two literary devices that are employed in the book of Esther.
1. Chiastic Structure
-In its tightest form, chiastic structure is inverted parallelism. In other words, its a reversal of structures to emphasize an overarching point.
2. Peripety
-A sudden turn of events that reverses the expected or intended outcome particularly in a literary work. Its the "hinge" in an event. It isn't always what we expect it to be.
These two literary devices got me thinking about my life and how we just had a 'reversal of destiny' happen to us. The hinge of our story was God united our hearts toward adoption. Its been so neat to see this come together.
However.
Me in all of my "me" starts to worry & obsess & think how is this ever going to happen? How long will this process take? Who would ever want to give up their baby & give it to us? All these thoughts have been in my mind these past weeks.
Well in true God style he used this Beth Moore study to tell me something. Its a very important thing, that I needed to hear.
And it was:
"Fire yourself. You are NOT responsible for how this 'thing' works out! All you are responsible for is "the What" you were asked to do."
And for me the "What" in this adoption process is to Trust Him. Him aligning our hearts didn't seal the deal that we would have a child in the next 6 months, 9 months, 12 months or even the next two years. All it did was confirm that He is alive & working & will finish this story He's started in us.
And it is my responsibility to take care of the "what" & leave the "how" to him.
I do this.
I'm a control freak. Its a problem.
Last night in our Beth Moore study of Esther, she was talking about how all through out the Bible there are different stories where peoples destinies were reversed. The reversal of destiny due to a situation that happened, a life course was changed.
Here is the intro statement:
The 6th chapter is the "hinge of the story of Esther." God appoints or allows circumstances (often crises) in our lives to redirect our paths. Today we explore the unexpected pivot point of Esther by giving a name to an important concept in the book: The reversal of destiny.
We looked at two literary devices that are employed in the book of Esther.
1. Chiastic Structure
-In its tightest form, chiastic structure is inverted parallelism. In other words, its a reversal of structures to emphasize an overarching point.
2. Peripety
-A sudden turn of events that reverses the expected or intended outcome particularly in a literary work. Its the "hinge" in an event. It isn't always what we expect it to be.
These two literary devices got me thinking about my life and how we just had a 'reversal of destiny' happen to us. The hinge of our story was God united our hearts toward adoption. Its been so neat to see this come together.
However.
Me in all of my "me" starts to worry & obsess & think how is this ever going to happen? How long will this process take? Who would ever want to give up their baby & give it to us? All these thoughts have been in my mind these past weeks.
Well in true God style he used this Beth Moore study to tell me something. Its a very important thing, that I needed to hear.
And it was:
"Fire yourself. You are NOT responsible for how this 'thing' works out! All you are responsible for is "the What" you were asked to do."
And for me the "What" in this adoption process is to Trust Him. Him aligning our hearts didn't seal the deal that we would have a child in the next 6 months, 9 months, 12 months or even the next two years. All it did was confirm that He is alive & working & will finish this story He's started in us.
And it is my responsibility to take care of the "what" & leave the "how" to him.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Dazed
So as you read yesterday we have started this process of adoption. We have an appointment with Bethany Christian Services on Tuesday Dec. 15, 2009 to find out more information on this process.
I just am in a daze at what God is doing in my life & the lives around me! Its amazing. I wanted to have you read an email between a friend of mine & me, I can't put it into words the right way so I thought I'd share the email. (to catch the reader up, I am going through a Beth Moore study on the book of Esther.) Here it is:
___________________________________
Me: I can't even tell you how much this Esther study is blowing my mind! Like every Tuesday she speaks specifically on something that I've gone through the day or week before! its kinda crazy!
Friend: that is so cool :) we went through a Beth Moore study before called Believing God... it was incredible, same thing though.. just always speaking where you're at... it was great. You sound even less stressed just being at work... :) :)
Me: what do you mean sound less stressed just being at work? like I sound more relaxed today?
Listen to this! It is so cool though I have to tell you. So last like Monday we got the packet from Bethany about our apt on 12/15 & I started reading everything & fear was just taking over like where are we going to get the money, how is all this going to come together etc etc.
So last Tuesday night the lesson was on Fear! haha She was saying how this is a call to be brave & trust that he will take care of your situation! And how courage comes from a heart that is convinced it is Loved. how amazing right??
well then this past weekend/Monday I was just thinking & thinking & thinking about when will this all happen? I wonder what it will be like I wonder when we'll get a baby..etc etc.
Then last night!!! it was about TIMING!! WOW right!!?! hahah
She was talking about Isa. 40:31 how it says those who WAIT upon the LORD will renew their strength....it doesn't say those who wait on the "thing" to come to fruition..but those who wait on the Lord....and just That in your wait time God is not inactive, he is preparing things to align the way they should. And how all strength will be gone if you are waiting on the "the thing". Wait on the Lord not on the event!!!
ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE!!! He is blowing my mind through this process!!! wow. I'm in a daze.
Friend: What I mean is, you are so blown away by what God is doing in your life right now, and you are so focused on Him, that it seems like you aren't even letting the things that usually go on at work bother you (if there are still things going on) I just see you letting go more and more of control b/c you realize that God has had this in His control the whole time :) and he's just speaking to you week by week, knowing what emotions and things you are going through in this process.
Me: oooohhhh! OK I see what you mean.
Its so true! Like my mom called yesterday & I was just telling her that I will go pt when we have a baby & she was just worried about our finances & wondering how we are going to get that much money together & I was like it will be fine. We ended that conversation & hung up.
and then she called back.
She goes, did you guys get like a lump sum of money from Jer's parents? I was like, what?? She was like did they give you a large amount of money? i was like nooooo?? why? and she just said this is so not like you, you are always worried about money & how it will all work out & you normally stress about this stuff....so I wondered if they gave you a bunch of money. I was like, no mom....this is just really HOW confindent about this I am. I KNOW with out a shadow of a doubt this story will work out. He answered my prayers. I asked him to align Jeremy & I's hearts on the baby thing...and he DID. He will finish what he started.
Its so amazing.
I am just in awe.
Like really really in awe.
____________________________________________________
So God, to you be the Glory! All praise & honor & power go to you! You finish the work you started & we will be open & availbe to your leading! Amen.
I just am in a daze at what God is doing in my life & the lives around me! Its amazing. I wanted to have you read an email between a friend of mine & me, I can't put it into words the right way so I thought I'd share the email. (to catch the reader up, I am going through a Beth Moore study on the book of Esther.) Here it is:
___________________________________
Me: I can't even tell you how much this Esther study is blowing my mind! Like every Tuesday she speaks specifically on something that I've gone through the day or week before! its kinda crazy!
Friend: that is so cool :) we went through a Beth Moore study before called Believing God... it was incredible, same thing though.. just always speaking where you're at... it was great. You sound even less stressed just being at work... :) :)
Me: what do you mean sound less stressed just being at work? like I sound more relaxed today?
Listen to this! It is so cool though I have to tell you. So last like Monday we got the packet from Bethany about our apt on 12/15 & I started reading everything & fear was just taking over like where are we going to get the money, how is all this going to come together etc etc.
So last Tuesday night the lesson was on Fear! haha She was saying how this is a call to be brave & trust that he will take care of your situation! And how courage comes from a heart that is convinced it is Loved. how amazing right??
well then this past weekend/Monday I was just thinking & thinking & thinking about when will this all happen? I wonder what it will be like I wonder when we'll get a baby..etc etc.
Then last night!!! it was about TIMING!! WOW right!!?! hahah
She was talking about Isa. 40:31 how it says those who WAIT upon the LORD will renew their strength....it doesn't say those who wait on the "thing" to come to fruition..but those who wait on the Lord....and just That in your wait time God is not inactive, he is preparing things to align the way they should. And how all strength will be gone if you are waiting on the "the thing". Wait on the Lord not on the event!!!
ISN'T THAT INCREDIBLE!!! He is blowing my mind through this process!!! wow. I'm in a daze.
Friend: What I mean is, you are so blown away by what God is doing in your life right now, and you are so focused on Him, that it seems like you aren't even letting the things that usually go on at work bother you (if there are still things going on) I just see you letting go more and more of control b/c you realize that God has had this in His control the whole time :) and he's just speaking to you week by week, knowing what emotions and things you are going through in this process.
Me: oooohhhh! OK I see what you mean.
Its so true! Like my mom called yesterday & I was just telling her that I will go pt when we have a baby & she was just worried about our finances & wondering how we are going to get that much money together & I was like it will be fine. We ended that conversation & hung up.
and then she called back.
She goes, did you guys get like a lump sum of money from Jer's parents? I was like, what?? She was like did they give you a large amount of money? i was like nooooo?? why? and she just said this is so not like you, you are always worried about money & how it will all work out & you normally stress about this stuff....so I wondered if they gave you a bunch of money. I was like, no mom....this is just really HOW confindent about this I am. I KNOW with out a shadow of a doubt this story will work out. He answered my prayers. I asked him to align Jeremy & I's hearts on the baby thing...and he DID. He will finish what he started.
Its so amazing.
I am just in awe.
Like really really in awe.
____________________________________________________
So God, to you be the Glory! All praise & honor & power go to you! You finish the work you started & we will be open & availbe to your leading! Amen.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
My Journey
I was told once that your journey is the one thing that couldn't be taken away from you, so I'd like to share a piece of it with you.
When Jeremy & I got married, we knew we weren't ready for children, but in my mind I thought it would always be an option. He said we could talk about having kids after 5 years of marriage.
So five years came.
And five years went.
There were many heated 'discussions' on why we should & shouldn't have kids. From my perspective I didn't want to force him into anything, but it was a deep longing desire in my heart to have children with him one day.
From his perspective, he didn't want to have kids at all. He liked our life the way it was, and couldn't imagine adding anyone into our home. Not to mention the fact that he didn't want to say no we aren't having children, because of me. He knew the dreams I had.
So we were at a stand still.
That lasted 2 years.
I would bring it up every now & then just to check in & see where he was at with all of it. As time passed though, it seemed like his desire to not have them just kept getting stronger & stronger. And for me the desire to have them kept getting stronger & stronger. There were many nights/days/months I would beg & plead for the Lord just to unite our hearts. I didn't really care the out come of the situation by this point. The only thing I cared about was that our hearts would be in line. In my heart I was content with whatever the out come was, if we were going to have kids, great! If we were going to decide not to have them, then lets make a decision & go with it!
But nothing.
So I waited.
All I could hear from the Lord was, wait. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.
So I was doing the best I could, but one night before we moved into our new house we bought, I had a break down. I just wanted us to come to some sort of conclusion. But yet again, we both were stuck in the same spot. Neither one budging.
So fast forward a month & we are on our way down to Catalyst which is a leadership conference in Atlanta that we attend every year with our Church.
Well on the drive down to Atlanta, Jeremy says to me, in all male fashion, "I have something to tell you, but don't cry." haha I was like ugh....OK?? So then he proceeds to tell me that he's been feeling guilty lately because he gets to live his dream everyday. He gets to go to a place he calls 'work' and gets to do his dream job. Me on the other hand; I have this dream of being a Mother & with no hope in sight, I have to go to work everyday & deal with crazy amounts of pressure from Corporate America. So he said he has been feeling guilty & that God told him that it was time for me to be able to live my dream, and that Jeremy was supposed to lay down his rights & his idols in life & allow me to have the family & children I've always dreamed of. So he said I could go off of birth control & the rest would be in Gods hands!
So I didn't really have a reaction. I was kind of numb I think. I was just like...well OK & didn't really think twice about it at that point.
So we make it through the 1st day of Catalyst & every speaker was amazing & totally engaging and Spirit filled. So day two rolls around & about 1/2 way through the day, they did this segment on Compassion International.
It was breath taking to say the least. There was a man who had been supported by a guy in Canada for the past 19 years, and they introduced them to each other for the very 1st time! It was AMAZING & heart wrenching.
I was weeping.
Along with the 13,000 other leaders in that place.
Well after that they did a segment on adoption & just helping around the world. And that is where it hit me. The Lord just confirmed in my heart that, that was it. That is what Jeremy & I were going to do! I didn't think much about it that afternoon, but I just knew in my heart that this was the answer for us.
So as we were going to dinner that night, Jeremy asked me, "So what did you get out of today?" And I just gave a fluff answer, like you know love people blah blah blah. ;)
And he said so is that all? And I said, "No. We are supposed to adopt." He said, "I got that too."I can't even begin to tell you all the emotions & feelings that I feel even typing these words ouy for people to read!
God did this! After 6 1/2 years of wondering if kids will be in our future, he did it.
On October 9, 2009.....He. Answered. My. Prayers!!!
He united our hearts! And the really cool thing about God is, He didn't give me "my dream" & he didn't give Jeremy "his dream" he gave us a whole "new dream" and we can move forward together in; confident knowing that God did this work in our hearts & confirmed it & is leading us the whole way!
And so begins our Adoption Journey.
When Jeremy & I got married, we knew we weren't ready for children, but in my mind I thought it would always be an option. He said we could talk about having kids after 5 years of marriage.
So five years came.
And five years went.
There were many heated 'discussions' on why we should & shouldn't have kids. From my perspective I didn't want to force him into anything, but it was a deep longing desire in my heart to have children with him one day.
From his perspective, he didn't want to have kids at all. He liked our life the way it was, and couldn't imagine adding anyone into our home. Not to mention the fact that he didn't want to say no we aren't having children, because of me. He knew the dreams I had.
So we were at a stand still.
That lasted 2 years.
I would bring it up every now & then just to check in & see where he was at with all of it. As time passed though, it seemed like his desire to not have them just kept getting stronger & stronger. And for me the desire to have them kept getting stronger & stronger. There were many nights/days/months I would beg & plead for the Lord just to unite our hearts. I didn't really care the out come of the situation by this point. The only thing I cared about was that our hearts would be in line. In my heart I was content with whatever the out come was, if we were going to have kids, great! If we were going to decide not to have them, then lets make a decision & go with it!
But nothing.
So I waited.
All I could hear from the Lord was, wait. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me.
So I was doing the best I could, but one night before we moved into our new house we bought, I had a break down. I just wanted us to come to some sort of conclusion. But yet again, we both were stuck in the same spot. Neither one budging.
So fast forward a month & we are on our way down to Catalyst which is a leadership conference in Atlanta that we attend every year with our Church.
Well on the drive down to Atlanta, Jeremy says to me, in all male fashion, "I have something to tell you, but don't cry." haha I was like ugh....OK?? So then he proceeds to tell me that he's been feeling guilty lately because he gets to live his dream everyday. He gets to go to a place he calls 'work' and gets to do his dream job. Me on the other hand; I have this dream of being a Mother & with no hope in sight, I have to go to work everyday & deal with crazy amounts of pressure from Corporate America. So he said he has been feeling guilty & that God told him that it was time for me to be able to live my dream, and that Jeremy was supposed to lay down his rights & his idols in life & allow me to have the family & children I've always dreamed of. So he said I could go off of birth control & the rest would be in Gods hands!
So I didn't really have a reaction. I was kind of numb I think. I was just like...well OK & didn't really think twice about it at that point.
So we make it through the 1st day of Catalyst & every speaker was amazing & totally engaging and Spirit filled. So day two rolls around & about 1/2 way through the day, they did this segment on Compassion International.
It was breath taking to say the least. There was a man who had been supported by a guy in Canada for the past 19 years, and they introduced them to each other for the very 1st time! It was AMAZING & heart wrenching.
I was weeping.
Along with the 13,000 other leaders in that place.
Well after that they did a segment on adoption & just helping around the world. And that is where it hit me. The Lord just confirmed in my heart that, that was it. That is what Jeremy & I were going to do! I didn't think much about it that afternoon, but I just knew in my heart that this was the answer for us.
So as we were going to dinner that night, Jeremy asked me, "So what did you get out of today?" And I just gave a fluff answer, like you know love people blah blah blah. ;)
And he said so is that all? And I said, "No. We are supposed to adopt." He said, "I got that too."I can't even begin to tell you all the emotions & feelings that I feel even typing these words ouy for people to read!
God did this! After 6 1/2 years of wondering if kids will be in our future, he did it.
On October 9, 2009.....He. Answered. My. Prayers!!!
He united our hearts! And the really cool thing about God is, He didn't give me "my dream" & he didn't give Jeremy "his dream" he gave us a whole "new dream" and we can move forward together in; confident knowing that God did this work in our hearts & confirmed it & is leading us the whole way!
And so begins our Adoption Journey.
Friday, October 2, 2009
When all is said & done...
Well its now October.
Its been a long road.
Hard. Tiring. Overwhelming.
Expensive.
But we did it. We have finally moved & are settled into our new Blessing from the Lord. It is amazing. and so peaceful! We love it!
I will get you a tour here pretty soon so you can see what it looks like. We could not be more pleased with it! And totally recognize that this is a gift from the Lord & we pray that it will always stay that way! My biggest hope is that people feel welcomed & loved as soon as they walk into the house.
May He always have a place there!
Its been a long road.
Hard. Tiring. Overwhelming.
Expensive.
But we did it. We have finally moved & are settled into our new Blessing from the Lord. It is amazing. and so peaceful! We love it!
I will get you a tour here pretty soon so you can see what it looks like. We could not be more pleased with it! And totally recognize that this is a gift from the Lord & we pray that it will always stay that way! My biggest hope is that people feel welcomed & loved as soon as they walk into the house.
May He always have a place there!
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