Four weeks

Wow. Four weeks goes really fast.

I start back to work on Monday. I don't have a choice but to be ready...so I am preparing myself to be ready...but I'm not really ready. 

See something happened in these past four weeks that I didn't anticipate. Community. I was able to be with women I love. A lot! I got to spend time with them, letting them pour into me, and me into them. Man how I've missed this and didn't even realize it. Its been almost a solid year since I was actively doing "community" with people. Yes I have my core friend group & that that is how I get filled up too, but what I'm talking about is....doing the down right dirty life with people. Walking through muck & the mud. The yuck & the great stuff. Just being surrounded with people who pursue Jesus with their whole heart. Being in environments where you pray together for a goal, for the common good of something great to happen.

I took a step out of serving in the high school room last October. With having a one year old, serving in the high school room...which isn't just a place you serve on Sunday then are done kind of ministry,  working full time, and then all the while trying to be a good wife and mom by serving my family; I was trying to balance all these plates & I was just flat out failing. They were wobbling out of control & I had no clue what to do or what to give up. I couldn't give back my child or family. I couldn't quit my job...so the only thing that I knew to do was to step out of the high school room. For this year I knew that was the right choice. I do not believe this was ever meant to be a forever thing of stepping out of these types of environments. In fact, I know that is and should not be the case. The New Testament is all about the church & doing life together, so I know that is Gods heart beat, but I also think there are seasons. This was a season I got to invest in Ella...aka: let my hormones balance themselves back out & feel NORMAL again. :) But it was a great & needed year for me. Besides going through an adoption & trying to serve in that high pace of environment just would not have gone well. I would have exploded for sure. 

But, I had no idea what a sweet gift these past four weeks would be either. Number one, just purely because I wasn't hormonal with Alivia, this has been THE BEST transition into a newborn by far. Gosh I just feel great! I'm not healing, I'm not emotional for no reason, I can do things still, I can play with Ella, I can love on Alivia & enjoy her smiling at me daily, I can clean & cook & just be NORMAL. Ugh its been amazing on that side of it. But then on the other side of it.....like I said above, I got to be in community again. I have hung out one on one with more people these past four weeks than I have in probably a year...I am sure of it....and you know what....I feel SO FILLED UP. I miss community. The doing life, getting dirty, working through the crap, loving each other still...being there for each other, just knowing things about each other because you have spent TIME together. Even if it means the good, the bad, or the best things. I need community. 

While I think that transition time was a time to just get my bearings on things and transition into what life would be like as our "new normal" with a baby....I think that time is coming to an end. I know it is...I feel it. I feel like I'm that bug that in the pitch black night, sees a light & is just just drawn to it & has to latch on.....and just like Peter I will look to the Lord for direction & to calm the seas I stand on. He knows my hearts desire. I have no doubt He will make something happen. It feels good to be on the verge of something that He is doing.....excited to see what is around the corner. 

But for now...I will walk into work on Monday with my head held high, and be ready to love the people I work with the best I can. ♥ 

A lot like Peter

These past few months, when I describe how I have been doing to people when asked, it usually goes something like, "When I am focused on the Lord I am good, but when I take my eyes off him I just get frantic & panicky. I feel out of control & fearful."
I am a person that likes my schedule & routine. I need time by myself. Not a lot of time, but just enough so I can recharge & refuel. My husband refuels by being around people. Not me. I like people yes, but I need that alone time too. So the past new weeks I have been just finding myself in this frantic state. If you could picture it, it would look a lot like someone in a swimming pool that doesn't know how to swim & their arms are flailing about. I just feel out of sorts. So I made a very intentional effort to get out of bed, even on little sleep, to spend time with the Lord. Which if it gets past 7am, my opportunity for this alone time is shot, so I have to get up early if I want this time.
The Lord is sure funny how he does things. He brought me to the passage in Matthew 14:22-33. If you have time read it to give the full context of what I'm referring to. You are probably familiar with this passage, but if you aren't, Jesus walks on water to the boat where His disciples are. It says it was during the fourth watch of the night, so after some research, that meant it was between the hours of 3am - 6am. Jesus came walking out to them on the water. It also says it was very windy. So picture it...you are asleep, or at least in a foggy eyed state from it being so early in the morning, to which I'm assuming they didn't sleep much....you see this man walking on water, all the while the wind & waves are doing their crazy thing. Um freaky. Yes. So in verse 26 when it says, "When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost" they said, and cried out in fear." you can imagine why they responded this way.
As sweetly as he always does, Jesus says, "Take courage! it is I. Don't be afraid." Then comes my favorite part, and the part that resonates the most with me.

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God."

I love this. I love that God gave this picture to me, because this is exactly how I am. I say ok Lord, do this. If you want "this" to happen do it. Whatever the "this" is in that moment, I say ok do it Lord. So he does....and just like Peter I walk out, but then I take a look at my surroundings & freak out & start to get all panicky & become that flailing swimmer! Time & time again, Jesus reaches out his hand & catches me, and reminds me how little my faith really is.

This adoption has been a true test of my faith again. Little by little & with each thing he brings me through, my faith is a bit more strengthened & I can walk in confidence knowing he is there. BUT I have to keep my eyes focused on him. Looking him straight in the eye, not at my feet or to the sides, but straight at him, and all the rest calms down. 
So thankful for this example of Peter. 
We go to court tomorrow to gain guardianship of Alivia. 
My oh my how this is going to come in handy. Good reminder & timing Lord! ♥! 

Recap

Well for those of you who do not know....our Alivia Peyton was born on July 29th, at 12:06pm! She weighed 7lbs exactly, and was 20 1/4" long.
It was a whirl wind to say the least, and had our Internet not been down for the past 5 days I would have posted sooner.
It was a Sunday morning, as I was sitting in the 1st service a friend came & got me & told me it was time. She had talked to Leighanne & her contractions were 5minutes apart. So as we were driving to pick up Leighanne, I got a call from her. She was a bit frantic as her water had just broke! I tried to reassure her that it would all be alright & that we were almost there.
Fast forward....we get to the hospital around 10:30am. There is a bit of check in time that needs to happen so Leighanne was back there with a friend & me & my other friend were just going to camp out in the lobby until it she was a bit farther along and was time to go back. So around 11, I went to the cafeteria to get us some lunch. Even called Jeremy to say not to rush over to the hospital. you know how births are....they take some time...we assumed we would meet Alivia by that evening...but had no clue what was about to take place.
As Noelle & I sit down to eat our lunch, we get about 5 bites into it, and we get the call!
"SHE IS PUSHING! COME NOW!"
You can imagine my panic! I was like WHAT?!?! WHAT?? PUSHING??? Its only been an hour since we arrived!!! So Noelle & I leave our food & drink there in the lobby & run back! It was 11:51 at this point....5 pushes & 15min later, at 12:06pm Alivia was here!!!
It was a shock to say the least & we had NO clue it would be that quick! Jeremy arrived at the hospital at 12:13. :)
It was such a gift, Leighanne wanted me to be the 1st on to hold her, so that was an awesome gift. Jeremy was the 2nd to hold her, then Leighanne held her. The hospital stay went just wonderfully & we could not be more thankful to the Lord for bring just a peace & comfort to the whole situation. Extended family on both sides of the biological parents came to the hospital, and it was just all so wonderful. :) Could not have asked for better people to walk this journey with! Praise be to God for working it all out! All anxiety & fears, were instantly erased. It was a wonderful day.

We could not feel more blessed! We have an amazing beautiful daughter & a friend that we get to walk the rest of this road with bonded forever. Love that. God is so good to me, to us! ♥

Now for the next four weeks I get to pretend what it would be like to be a stay at home mom to my two girls. August 27th is going to be a really sad day, when I have to go back to work. But for now....here is to being a stay at home Mom! :)