I have been trying to wrap my head around God’s plan and to me, right now, it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it and I have fear of the final outcome and just….flat out…..really don’t understand.. I’m now willing to be at a place where I don’t understand what he’s doing and am ok with that, but it has taken a few weeks to get here, if I’m honest.
What happened on the 28th of July was we went to court to file for custody of two kids (ages 9 & 4), who’s birth mother has asked us to step in and parent. Since we filed for custody there was another family member from the other side of the family who has now also filed for custody of these two kids. There is some discord within this family so it’s messy. Well on the 28ththe Judge gave us temporary custody until the final court date in November. This is where I don’t understand & am fearful. I don’t understand why God would keep these kids in our home for another 4 months, only to have them taken back out of our home in November. They would have to change school districts mid-year, get attached and adjusted to us as a family then all for what---to be pulled back out of our home? Ugh. Its too much. And I fear my heart will break in two. But God didn’t ask me to understand, he asked me to say yes.
So over the past few weeks I have felt that I am to come to a place where I can find the JOY in this process. I have done a lot of crying already & I felt like He is asking me to find the joy in this. Its so easy to focus on the negative things, isn’t it? I can spew out a million negatives and how and why this shouldn’t be how it is currently, but yet it is. This is what God has asked of us right now & after a lot of tears and feet stomping, I am embracing it.
I have had this song on repeat—I mean repeat! Repeat repeat. Ha!
The words that have stuck out to me are these:
Finally ready now
To close my eyes and just believe
That you won’t lead me where you don’t go
I’m finally ready now to take my eyes of ME and BELIEVE that He won’t lead me where he doesn’t go. A week or two ago, I was questioning this. We have nothing to gain from taking these kids—it only makes our life harder & I don’t understand. Sometimes (most times) don’t want to do it either. I want to be selfish & four kids is hard. But….I’m finally ready now….
Then these words wreck me:
When my faith gets tired and hope seems lost…you spin me round and round and remind me of that song, the one you wrote for me and we dance.
He is with me. He is walking with me as he leads us into the hard places. He doesn’t say: “Say yes to me only if the yes is pretty and neatly wrapped in a package.” He says, “Say yes to what I ask.” Period.
Then comes the anchor for my heart:
And I will lock eyes with the one who‘s ransomed me
The one who gave me JOY for mourning… (weeping)
I will lock eyes with the one who’s chosen me
The one who set my feet to dancing.
Its nice to know I’m not alone, I’ve found my home here in your arms. I can’t imagine doing life without my Jesus. I can’t imagine not having him to anchor my soul and steady me. When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost, He is still with me, dancing, leading, guiding. Fighting for me AND these kids.
I’ve have been an adamant believer that life is a bunch of seasons. People come and go, friendships morph, life changes…..always….and now, this is a new season for me and my family. Be it only for four more months or a lifetime; I’m finally ready now to close my eyes and believe that He will not lead me where he doesn’t go.
And I could not be more thankful for that.
