About two months ago we were awarded temporary custody of a 4 and 9 year old on top of our already 3 and 5 year old that was in our home, I was.....overwhelmed....and that is an understatement. I knew the shape I was in last summer when we took in this same set of children and the best I knew how to describe it was like this: I felt i was in the ocean without a life preserver and I was treading water, for hours, for days, which turned into weeks, and slowly slowly I was drowning. That is what it felt like to me. I could not wrap my head around 4 kids. Going from 2 to 4 overnight is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Needless to say it was hard. hard. hard......hard.
So this summer when we found ourselves in the same place of God asking us to say yes to take in these two kids again, for me to say yes was a complete act of obedience. I was scared. I remember how it was, I remember how I felt, so out of control, like the wave was taking me under and I was powerless to stop it. So to be in the same spot again, and to have the judge award us with legally saying yes these kids are in your home for now....I again...was completely overwhelmed.
I cried, a lot. I questioned God. Why do you think I can handle this? Why do you think this is the best place for them when last year you saw how hard it was?? Why is this the exact same time my husbands role changes at work giving him more responsibility than he has ever had? Why when I was , for the first time ever, asked to speak in front of the women leaders at our church?? (Which for those of you who do not know me....lets just say, think of your biggest fear...and equate that to my fear of public speaking & you will have an idea). Why Lord? I don't understand.
But I went through the motions still. I did my best, I clung to him, but this time I knew what to expect with four, so I felt like I had a better grasp as to what was coming. So it felt a little less chaotic. About a month into it, I felt my face and heart getting hard. You know when you are doing something you don't want to do, but you do it anyway? If your heart isn't in it with your actions, what happens? You start to get hard, and bitter, and take things out on people that you aren't supposed to.
So in those moments and days, that is when I felt God saying to me.....you need to find the JOY in the process. So cynical me says, yah right Lord. the JOY??? The joy?!!? How in the world am I going to find the JOY in this process? Its the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so exhausted from working part time, and having to care for a house. I am overwhelmed by the amount of house work that is required for all these people. To top it off I have now 4 girls emotions in the house that I have to deal with, mine included. How in the world am I going to find the joy?!!? Its not joyful to me to have to give up myself every day......and then it hit me.
Luke 9:23-24, "Then he said to me, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever looses their life for me will save it."
And those verses that I have heard all my life (pretty much) started to make perfect sense.
THIS is self denial. THIS is denying myself and taking up my cross. THIS is wanting to be his disciple.
And THAT is why he wants me to find the joy in it.
Oh my God loves me a lot & he shows me OFTEN that he does. I can't imagine life without him.
So the days look different now. In all reality I may only have two more months with these two extra kids in my home if the judge awards custody to the Aunt. Two months to do kingdom work. Two months of laughter and noise that is so loud it hurts at times. Two months of being a family of six. Two months in this season that in the grand scheme of life will be but a vapor.
So now these have become treasured days. Days that I don't take lightly. Each day has purpose and meaning to it, and I am joyfully---not perfectly---choosing to walk in them.
