Perfect in Power

So there has been some time that has pasted since my last post. Time that has found me yet again in another place in my life. I have discovered a truth that has really hurt the core of who I am. My heart is far from the one thing I need and love the most. I heard recently about the idea of practical atheism. Its like I know that there is a God and I want to do the things he wants me to do, yet I don't live like there is a God. Motivations at the end of the day are about me, and what I need and what I want, what I'm entitled to. Its all just disheartening you know? There is this God who time and time again has given me the things I've asked. prove yourself I say, and he does it. Show me this one thing & I'll be yours. He does it, and yet I find my heart in a far off distant place. Practical Atheism. I'm living like he practically exists. How painful this feels. I was just broken tonight thinking about how I have done this. Over and over and over, and yet...I'm still worth something to him. My heart is so divided and not in love with Him, and I really choose to love 'sin' more than him, and yet....he still longs to know me and love me, to pick me up when I fall. How is this possible? How am I still worth something, when my eyes are so attracted to things TOTALLY opposite of goodness? How am I worth something when my heart is choosing to not love you? How am I still worth something when I chose myself DAILY over you?
I'm speechless.
You are far greater than my understanding, perfect in power, matchless in glory, you are the brilliant creator, friend of mine.
you have my attention. Now I'm working on giving you my heart.