The Crushing

Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
Ever have those seasons when you feel as if you are being crushed under the weight of a big wave? Feeling lost, spinning around, gasping for air; unsure if you will ever find your footing?  That's were I have been these past 2 years. Life has thrown some major "ocean waves" at me. To the outside eye life would seem normal and nothing that can't be "handled" on a daily basis; or so goes the assumption in my head of what an outsider sees.
To the outsider life may seem good and easy and fun. But what has been inside my world has left me grasping for air, wondering if I will ever find my footing again. Fear and the temptation to give into hurt knock at my door constantly. Wondering where I fit in because, in this current season, it has felt as if all the areas of security that I once had known, have also been shaken up and jostled by their own waves of life. Nothing stable. Nothing secure. Tossing, wrestling, spinning, creating chaos has been the anthem for these past 18 months. This crushing has not been isolated just to me either. Its all around me.
Because of that, I am not quite sure how to find my footing again.
I am however, not lost at sea and for that I am grateful.
I am on the shore of life, in the break and wave after wave has won and rendered me useless. Only until I can stop, stay calm, and simply ask the Lord to help me find my footing again, will I truly be able to stand again.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
To stand would mean to accept a new normal. To stand would be to say goodbye to years in the past. To stand would mean to admit defeat; to acknowledge that I have allowed these waves to crush me. One by one, over and over, they came. I wasn't aware of the spin cycle they threw me in to, but now I see it.
To stop spinning would mean bravery for a new beginning.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.