Treasured Days

About two months ago we were awarded temporary custody of a 4 and 9 year old on top of our already 3 and 5 year old that was in our home, I was.....overwhelmed....and that is an understatement. I knew the shape I was in last summer when we took in this same set of children and the best I knew how to describe it was like this: I felt i was in the ocean without a life preserver and I was treading water, for hours, for days, which turned into weeks, and slowly slowly I was drowning. That is what it felt like to me. I could not wrap my head around 4 kids. Going from 2 to 4 overnight is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Needless to say it was hard. hard. hard......hard.
So this summer when we found ourselves in the same place of God asking us to say yes to take in these two kids again, for me to say yes was a complete act of obedience. I was scared. I remember how it was, I remember how I felt, so out of control, like the wave was taking me under and I was powerless to stop it. So to be in the same spot again, and to have the judge award us with legally saying yes these kids are in your home for now....I again...was completely overwhelmed.
I cried, a lot. I questioned God. Why do you think I can handle this? Why do you think this is the best place for them when last year you saw how hard it was?? Why is this the exact same time my husbands role changes at work giving him more responsibility than he has ever had? Why when I was , for the first time ever, asked to speak in front of the women leaders at our church?? (Which for those of you who do not know me....lets just say, think of your biggest fear...and equate that to my fear of public speaking & you will have an idea). Why Lord? I don't understand.
But I went through the motions still. I did my best, I clung to him, but this time I knew what to expect with four, so I felt like I had a better grasp as to what was coming. So it felt a little less chaotic. About a month into it, I felt my face and heart getting hard. You know when you are doing something you don't want to do, but you do it anyway? If your heart isn't in it with your actions, what happens? You start to get hard, and bitter, and take things out on people that you aren't supposed to.
So in those moments and days, that is when I felt God saying to me.....you need to find the JOY in the process. So cynical me says, yah right Lord. the JOY??? The joy?!!? How in the world am I going to find the JOY in this process? Its the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so exhausted from working part time, and having to care for a house. I am overwhelmed by the amount of house work that is required for all these people. To top it off I have now 4 girls emotions in the house that I have to deal with, mine included. How in the world am I going to find the joy?!!? Its not joyful to me to have to give up myself every day......and then it hit me.
Luke 9:23-24, "Then he said to me, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever looses their life for me will save it."
And those verses that I have heard all my life (pretty much) started to make perfect sense.
THIS is self denial. THIS is denying myself and taking up my cross. THIS is wanting to be his disciple.
And THAT is why he wants me to find the joy in it.
Oh my God loves me a lot & he shows me OFTEN that he does. I can't imagine life without him.
So the days look different now. In all reality I may only have two more months with these two extra kids in my home if the judge awards custody to the Aunt. Two months to do kingdom work. Two months of laughter and noise that is so loud it hurts at times. Two months of being a family of six. Two months in this season that in the grand scheme of life will be but a vapor.
So now these have become treasured days. Days that I don't take lightly. Each day has purpose and meaning to it, and I am joyfully---not perfectly---choosing to walk in them.

Finally ready now....

I have been trying to wrap my head around God’s plan and to me, right now, it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it and I have fear of the final outcome and just….flat out…..really don’t understand.. I’m now willing to be at a place where I don’t understand what he’s doing and am ok with that, but it has taken a few weeks to get here, if I’m honest. 

What happened on the 28th of July was we went to court to file for custody of two kids (ages 9 & 4), who’s birth mother has asked us to step in and parent. Since we filed for custody there was another family member from the other side of the family who has now also filed for custody of these two kids. There is some discord within this family so it’s messy. Well on the 28ththe Judge gave us temporary custody until the final court date in November.  This is where I don’t understand & am fearful. I don’t understand why God would keep these kids in our home for another 4 months, only to have them taken back out of our home in November. They would have to change school districts mid-year, get attached and adjusted to us as a family then all for what---to be pulled back out of our home? Ugh. Its too much. And I fear my heart will break in two. But God didn’t ask me to understand, he asked me to say yes.

 

So over the past few weeks I have felt that I am to come to a place where I can find the JOY in this process. I have done a lot of crying already & I felt like He is asking me to find the joy in this. Its so easy to focus on the negative things, isn’t it? I can spew out a million negatives and how and why this shouldn’t be how it is currently, but yet it is. This is what God has asked of us right now & after a lot of tears and feet stomping, I am embracing it. 

I have had this song on repeat—I mean repeat! Repeat repeat. Ha! 

http://youtu.be/fFfw6OSbUwE

The words that have stuck out to me are these: 

Finally ready now

To close my eyes and just believe

That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

 

I’m finally ready now to take my eyes of ME and BELIEVE that He won’t lead me where he doesn’t go. A week or two ago, I was questioning this. We have nothing to gain from taking these kids—it only makes our life harder & I don’t understand. Sometimes (most times) don’t want to do it either. I want to be selfish & four kids is hard. But….I’m finally ready now…. 

 

Then these words wreck me: 

When my faith gets tired and hope seems lost…you spin me round and round and remind me of that song, the one you wrote for me and we dance. 

He is with me. He is walking with me as he leads us into the hard places. He doesn’t say: “Say yes to me only if the yes is pretty and neatly wrapped in a package.” He says, “Say yes to what I ask.” Period.

Then comes the anchor for my heart: 

And I will lock eyes with the one who‘s ransomed me

The one who gave me JOY for mourning… (weeping)

I will lock eyes with the one who’s chosen me

The one who set my feet to dancing.

Its nice to know I’m not alone, I’ve found my home here in your arms. I can’t imagine doing life without my Jesus. I can’t imagine not having him to anchor my soul and steady me. When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost, He is still with me, dancing, leading, guiding. Fighting for me AND these kids. 

I’ve have been an adamant believer that life is a bunch of seasons. People come and go, friendships morph, life changes…..always….and now, this is a new season for me and my family. Be it only for four more months or a lifetime; I’m finally ready now to close my eyes and believe that He will not lead me where he doesn’t go. 

And I could not be more thankful for that.

Good vs Warrior

Are you a good servant 

Or are you a warrior servant? 

I have no clue where I took these notes from....I know they did not come from me though. So I am sorry I'm not giving credit to where credit is due because I have no clue what I took these from.

Let me start over. 

Hello. It's been a while, yes. Our family finds us in another situation of saying yes & the yes again, is very very hard. After the 28th I can give more details of what I'm talking about, but for now....the place I find myself in again is stressed to the max. I stand before two paths and I have no clue which one we will be on in one weeks time. One could be rocky with a lot of speed bumps and feelings of being out of control but with more free time to navigate the bumps, and the other one could be "back to normal" smooth with me feeling under control, able to actually navigate the daily life. 

Both paths have their challenges. Both paths have pros and cons. Both come with choosing so say yes daily and both ask the question....

Are you a good servant or are you a warrior servant? 

You see, there is no fuel in just being a good servant. The reason that is, is because....

-there is no threat in just being good

-enemy wants us to stay as good servants

-we become just a volunteer 

-it's super easy to quit when it's hard

-you become easily burnt out

BUT when we serve as a warrior, there is power and change that happens. When we serve as a warrior:

-character builds

-we tap into God's power

-we can change a generation

-we become spiritual warriors

-there is movement

-we see life change

-sacrifice 

-deep relationship with God

-requires dependance

-your fire is fueled when you are a warrior servant; it doesn't drain you 

-Our life is about His purpose not ours.

Did you catch that last line (Janna!?). It's about HIS purpose not OURS. 

This past six weeks I had every intention to serve like a warrior, and there have been times for sure that I have. But lately my service turned into just being a good servant. Where was the switch? Being tired? Selfish? Feeling like its too much? Yep, yep, and yep. 

The thing I've been noticing is that there is something much bigger than what our human eyes can see or even understand at times. The enemy wants to keep us "good." There is no threat in good. If we took a step back and remembered and realized we are in a spiritual battle for the hearts and lives of people who don't know Jesus I think our service would be less about being good and more about being a warrior. One that is dependent fully on the Word and using it as a sword to defend and defeat. To serve with a purpose and a mission on our minds, always. 

Time is so short. You have no clue how long you are going to be in the season you are in, and to waste the days just being a good servant would be a tragedy. I don't know about you, but I may only have a week left in this current season I'm in or it may be a new season forever for our family, but for now I am going to refocus and remember to serve like a warrior. So that! HIS purpose is laid out, not mine. 

Hard to do when you average 5 1/2 hours of sleep, but I'm going to do my best! :)

June 17,1953

Today you would have been 62. I honestly thought we would have one more birthday celebration with you & it makes me incredibly sad I can call and hear your voice. For now the saved voicemails will have to do. 

Happy birthday Daddy. Mom, Jeremiah and I are wishing we could have spent one more with you, but the trade off of you here suffering isn't worth knowing how you are rejoicing with Jesus! Can't wait to see you again.

Miss you so much it hurts.

Every day is different....

I was talking to a friend last week about the events happening in my life currently. The best I could describe it was; every day is different. I can’t plan beyond what is happening today. I would go through all the effort and it be all for not, because God has a different plan for that day. One that is opposite anything I would imagine for my life, but he knew. And I love that he trusts us enough to keep giving us opportunities to trust him more. 

So as I said every day is different and yesterday proved this all too well. Well let me back up….if you keep up with my blog you know we had some kids living with us last summer/fall & we were moving into custody of them, but the family decided they wanted to parent the kids. So this past December they took the children out of our home and I thought that was the last we would hear from them. Fast forward to about a month ago, I got a message from their mother that they were really struggling and if we would have them, they would like us to parent their kids. It was a total God thing how these kids came into our home in the first place, so without hesitation we said yes….with some stricter guidelines. There were some things we did well last summer and some things we didn’t do well, and so this was our chance to do it differently. One being we didn’t want to bring them back into our home until we had custody. Which we have filled for we are just waiting on a court date. So enter yesterday…..got a call from the social worker and she thinks it would be best and look the best to get the kids into our home as soon as possible to show they are doing well, even before the court date…..enter the sentence, every day is different…..so…..our kids are moving in this Saturday! HahaWhoever said life with Jesus was boring, was not truly walking with Him! Haha Shew, what a ride we are on. 

I have had several people asking me how I’m doing with all of this (last summer going from 2 to 4 kids was a BIT overwhelming for me to say the least), so how I am …well....would you think I was crazy if I said….excited?? I think in God’s grace he has allowed me to forget the "trauma" of last summer...Like I remember there being rough patches with the oldest, but I don't remember the really bad stuff I don't think. Because when people are asking how I am, they are asking me that question in a way that makes me think they are thinking "oh man how long till the looney bin" or makes me think "Should I be bad?? Maybe I should be in a really bad place right now?".....and that is OK and totally understandable! I was a mess last summer so I get the questions. I just think in Gods graciousness he has given me a love for these kids that is different this time. They aren’t "visitors" this time, they are "our kids" and will be for good. They are here for good this time, no more back and forth, we have them here, we have them there, we do, we don't, we do, we don't kind of thing. There will bestructure and these are our kids.....and I’m excited for that. I'm excited to watch the oldest start to bloom and become a little lady that is soft and kind and not codependent. I am excited to see our boy laugh again to smile, to feel and be loved, well. I'm excited for another chance to do this the right way and not just be hardly keeping my head above water, but to do it well and walk on the water with Jesus this time.  Here we go!

On repeat

This song is currently on repeat. It is for me and I love it. You can listen to it here:

http://open.spotify.com/track/4itmpxEQ7oWED3CsTvx9sF

"Make A Way"

You brought me to the desert so You could be my water

You brought me to the fire so You could be my shield

You brought me to the darkness so You could be my morning light

If You brought me this far, if You brought me this far

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

You will make a way

And when I’m in the valley, You will be my comfort

And when I’m at the end of me, I find You there

When I’m in the battle, You will be my present peace

Cause You brought me this far, You brought me this far

If You brought me this far

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

My God will make a way

Cause You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You will make a way

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

My God will make a way

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

You will make a way

Schadenfreude

In an attempt to understand God's love better, I have been walking my leader small group through one of the most popular passages read at a wedding...1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
This week we are on vs. 6: "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth." I have been learning so much about this and have found great wisdom from Ted Schroder (blog writer) & the website Got questions and wanted to share what I found this week.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth......We here in America don't have a word for this but the Germans do...its Schadenfreude. Pronounced like Shaw.den.frued.a.
This means: Satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

Scahdenfreude is a part of our culture, everyone one of us experience it. For example: we applaud when the opposing team fumbles the ball in football. We get a thrill when a car crashes at the Daytona 500. If a star player from the other team gets hurt, we may care that they are ok, but inside we are like YESSSS!!! now we can win!! Right? Aren't we like this!?

Its central to Television as well....think about it...what is the whole premise of the 3 Stooges? Pleasure felt at someone else misfortune, right? What about Tom & Jerry? Roadrunner? Even more up to date shows....there are shows called Revenge, and Scandal...Nashville...all based out of schadenfreude.

There is a part of us that delights when our enemy suffer right? We feel justified when people whom we loathe (because they hurt us or for whatever reason you may have) suffers.

.....love does not delight in evil....but rejoices with the truth.....Think about it though.....when love enters the picture, doesn't the whole equation change?
When its a friend that falls from grace, we are sad for them. Or when our loved one encounters adversity, or bad things happen to them, or when the medical diagnosis is poor, we become sad and shocked. We are broken and hurting with and for them, right?

Its hard to delight in the misfortunes of those you love, no matter what they have done, isn't it?
Love--Loves the truth.
Love--Does not love evil
Love--Rejoices with the good news that Jesus has triumphed over evil on the cross.
Evil is the antithesis of the truth & Jesus came to save us from evil. Therefore, we can not delight in evil AND rejoice with the truth. We have to choose between the two.

Psalm 5:4 says: "You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell.

Psalm 1:1-2, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night."
-doesn't walk in the counsel of the wicked.
-delights and mediates on his law...
now read vs. 3: "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

There is simple wisdom in these 3 verses:
-->The more we delight in Gods presence, the more fruitful we are.

(side note)
I do want to point out that the end part, "whatever he does prospers" does not mean immunity from failure or difficulties. Nor are we guaranteed health, wealth, and happiness.

What this means is: When we apply Gods wisdom, the fruit will produce actions and attitudes that honor God. 
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth......the better we understand LOVE, the more we will sorrow over those who commit sin, and the less we will respond out of schadenfreude.

Where are you currently struggling with schadenfreude?