Re-learning

This past Sunday my husband spoke at our church, the topic was One Page. How can we be on the same page as spouses when there are things that we don't agree on?
In my marriage, our biggest struggle has been the question of whether to have kids or not.
I say yes, we will have two. He says no, we will have none.
So as you can imagine that causes and has caused some pretty....we'll call them "tense moments" in our home over the years. :) If you have been following or care to read about the first time around, you can go back to my posts from 2008/2009....painful painful time in my life, no doubt. To quickly catch you up, if you don't know we do have a daughter, Ella. She is a gift for sure! If you want to hear the story you can watch the pod cast of the talk my husband gave here:

http://www.blue-ridge.org/Podcast/Video/tabid/167/Default.aspx
Part 6:One page

So this past week was a very very very hard week in regards to the baby stuff. I was finding myself in the same place I was pre-Ella...I just want a 2nd child. Just one more. So Ella can have a sibling. God in his sweet timing though knew this talk my husband was going to give was coming.  I started to feel myself falling back into the same place I was before I laid the whole child situation down to him. I just felt my grip getting tighter & tighter on the whole situation again...and then after talking, praying with some people, and then walking through that journey again as Jeremy spoke....ugh it broke me.
You guys, I was WEEPING sitting through the service. Like not just a few tears streaming...it was the shoulders shaking, nose running, eyes swollen, weeping!! hahaa ugh As I was sitting there I was just reliving that pain that I felt the first time through it. How HARD it was to let it out of my grasp with the reality of knowing I may never have a child. Ever. Choosing to TRUST God has this.....then fast forward and Him giving me the sweet sweet gift that He gave me in Ella. I was just broken, and sorry that I had let my heart slip back into even putting a small grip on the child situation. As I sat there, I was asking myself why I felt the need to relearn these lessons....I don't need to relearn them!! I don't! God taught me HUGE lessons through that journey & picking this situation back up was saying to Him I didn't learn it the first time. I refuse to relearn those lessons.

God DOES hear me, doesn't mean I'm going to get my way, doesn't mean I'm going to get the 2nd child I've dreamed about. All that means is He DOES hear me, and is FOR me, and LOVES me. All I'm responsible for is seeking him & making his name GREAT. It was SUCH a good reminder! Came in perfect timing too, just before I could get my grip too tight around this "dream" of being a family of four.

I'm glad I'm here, today, in this week & not stuck back in last week. :) I dont know what He has planned. I don't know if more children in our future....I know I would like just one more....but He knows that. Doesn't mean I WILL get that, but He knows that.....and I can TRUST that he has a plan. That plan might not look like the plan I think it should look like....but I trust that its better than the one I can see in my head. :)

So today I'm good! :) All is well, my 9th anniversary is tomorrow, I have an amazingly beautiful baby girl, I have the best friends who care about me truly, I'm in a family of believers who care about me, ask me HARD stuff & refuse to let me settle, and I have a God that loves me and is SOOO trustworthy. THIS I am sure of. <3

Getting Older

I knew when my parents got older that things just would....um....I guess just not work the right way & there would be more and more calls about doctor visits & stuff like that, but I did not anticipate this. I got a call from my mom last night...again. My Dad was at the hospital....again. :( He was having sever chest pains....it wasn't a heart attack, it wasn't a stroke, perfectly clear tests....so is this a side effect of the Parkinsons? What is THIS? It is so hard to watch your Dad be in such pain all the time & there not be a clear answer for it. Yes Parkinsons is there, but its many things...things they can't figure out. I think what makes it so much harder too is the fact that I'm sitting on my comfy couch in Virginia knowing that I could be in Colorado sitting in the waiting room with my mom....who now by the way, has shingles because of all the stress of dealing with things with my Dad.
Oh Lord. Help me remember my post from yesterday. You DO hear us, you do hear our cries & our prayers.....all in all we want your will to be done, but would you, could you please, just give us a glimpse of you in this too. Please.

Glimpses

Just when you "think" you are at a weak point in your life...don't you just love how God shows up & reminds you of the fact that He does hear you, me, us....our cries, our pleadings, our longings, our wantings.....He hears us. And He is so sweet to give us glimpses of those moments. I know in my own life there has been different areas through out my life where I just am like no way, he doesn't hear me. He would answer if He did....and then he gives me a glimpse and a moment that can only be explained by Him. Same thing happened yesterday. Longings, prayers, petitions, begging....and yet another glimpse. He hears us! It might not be answered in our timing, or might not even be answered how WE "think" those longings, prayers, petitions should be answered.....but just the glimpse of knowing he IS there, he DOES hear us.....is enough to keep me going. I'm so thankful for those moments. Just going to sit in awe on this one for awhile. ♥

Weak

So thankful for true sisters in Christ that will stand in the gap for me. Fighting for me & with me when I don't have the strength to do it on my own. I am in a community that is not normal to life outside of my small town. God is made huge daily, friends fight spiritual battles with you, lives are changed. I am on my knees grateful & thankful, humbled & broken for those who don't have this.
Thank you Lord that ultimately above friends or family, when I am weak YOU are strong.
I love you.