Re-learning

This past Sunday my husband spoke at our church, the topic was One Page. How can we be on the same page as spouses when there are things that we don't agree on?
In my marriage, our biggest struggle has been the question of whether to have kids or not.
I say yes, we will have two. He says no, we will have none.
So as you can imagine that causes and has caused some pretty....we'll call them "tense moments" in our home over the years. :) If you have been following or care to read about the first time around, you can go back to my posts from 2008/2009....painful painful time in my life, no doubt. To quickly catch you up, if you don't know we do have a daughter, Ella. She is a gift for sure! If you want to hear the story you can watch the pod cast of the talk my husband gave here:

http://www.blue-ridge.org/Podcast/Video/tabid/167/Default.aspx
Part 6:One page

So this past week was a very very very hard week in regards to the baby stuff. I was finding myself in the same place I was pre-Ella...I just want a 2nd child. Just one more. So Ella can have a sibling. God in his sweet timing though knew this talk my husband was going to give was coming.  I started to feel myself falling back into the same place I was before I laid the whole child situation down to him. I just felt my grip getting tighter & tighter on the whole situation again...and then after talking, praying with some people, and then walking through that journey again as Jeremy spoke....ugh it broke me.
You guys, I was WEEPING sitting through the service. Like not just a few tears streaming...it was the shoulders shaking, nose running, eyes swollen, weeping!! hahaa ugh As I was sitting there I was just reliving that pain that I felt the first time through it. How HARD it was to let it out of my grasp with the reality of knowing I may never have a child. Ever. Choosing to TRUST God has this.....then fast forward and Him giving me the sweet sweet gift that He gave me in Ella. I was just broken, and sorry that I had let my heart slip back into even putting a small grip on the child situation. As I sat there, I was asking myself why I felt the need to relearn these lessons....I don't need to relearn them!! I don't! God taught me HUGE lessons through that journey & picking this situation back up was saying to Him I didn't learn it the first time. I refuse to relearn those lessons.

God DOES hear me, doesn't mean I'm going to get my way, doesn't mean I'm going to get the 2nd child I've dreamed about. All that means is He DOES hear me, and is FOR me, and LOVES me. All I'm responsible for is seeking him & making his name GREAT. It was SUCH a good reminder! Came in perfect timing too, just before I could get my grip too tight around this "dream" of being a family of four.

I'm glad I'm here, today, in this week & not stuck back in last week. :) I dont know what He has planned. I don't know if more children in our future....I know I would like just one more....but He knows that. Doesn't mean I WILL get that, but He knows that.....and I can TRUST that he has a plan. That plan might not look like the plan I think it should look like....but I trust that its better than the one I can see in my head. :)

So today I'm good! :) All is well, my 9th anniversary is tomorrow, I have an amazingly beautiful baby girl, I have the best friends who care about me truly, I'm in a family of believers who care about me, ask me HARD stuff & refuse to let me settle, and I have a God that loves me and is SOOO trustworthy. THIS I am sure of. <3