Hot Mess

It is safe to say I had my very first freak out yesterday afternoon. I've never had a panic attack, but from what I know of them...that was pretty close. I just got overwhelmed by this whole thing. Jeremy told his work staff yesterday, most of whom already knew, but then a couple friends were talking to me, and just one thing built on top of the other & I just freaked out. Crying, deep breathing, saying I just don't know how I can do this...I guess that is the part that is not like pregnancy. Just thinking down the road at what will this be like. What will be our new "normal". Our normal won't just include the four of us, it will include two entirely different families as well....and thats when I freaked out. Not because I don't, won't or can't love those other families....its just....not normal. But following Christ in a world that is only out for self isn't normal either I suppose. Living for something bigger than just to gratify yourself isn't normal either. I just freaked out too because its like all this risk involved, you jump off this unbelievably high cliff, when you are TERRIFIED of heights anyway, and you are just in this like free-fall and at the end of the fall...there is a very REAL possibility that there will be no baby to come home with. That would stink. That sounds so shallow to the pain I would really be feeling if that did happen. My sweet friends & husband keep reminding me though, that there is this risk involved in pregnancy too....people miscarry all the time. God gives life, God gives babies to people, God works things out. Being fearful and walking out this process in a constant state of "what if" is going to drive me mad.
I dont' know how to do this thing. I don't' know how to prepare myself for something like this. I don't know how to love with a pure fully open love when the risk of my heart being broken is so real.  Then I don't know how to do this thing down the road. I don't know what it will look like, I guess I don't need to know. Thats the part that gets me...I am SUCH a control freak & planner...that just this state of unknown is really rocking me. I am committed to moving into this...obviously, but it is by far the most frightening thing I've ever done. If you read my posts on a normal basis you are going to see emotions that are super up & down....kind of like a roller coaster. hahah That is the season I'm in. I don't know what is next, I don't know how to do this, but I do know that His word fills me. It comforts me, it assures me...not that this will be the fairytale ending, but assures me that he is with me, and walking with me, leading me, guiding me...falling with me.

So for today, these are the verses that I'm clinging to:

“…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:26-28).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).


“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7) 


Then there is Psalm 139....so beautiful. 


So Lord, here I am, the hot mess that I am. In all my glory....the freak outs, the tears, the worry, the stress, the fear of getting too excited, the hope, the excitement, the joy I see when I watch Jeremy through this process....here I am all of me. I know adoption is what you have called us to, I know & trust this situation & these moments we are going through right now are from you, I also know that I don't  need to worry about "what if". I don't need to worry about two months from now. I know and trust that you are preparing this fragile emotional heart of mine, and will give me what I need right when I need it. You know this is SO hard for me, stretching me in ways I have never wanted to be stretched, but I know that you are in control. I know that you have a plan...and its beautiful. Help me to find some joy in this process, help me to rest in your word & truths, help me to be an encouragement to Leighanne, help me show her your unconditional gracious love. Help me to walk through this process not defeated, but head held high and confident that I have a God that HEARS ME and walks WITH me. Love you. ♥