We have an answer

Well....the long awaited day has come and gone. We have an answer & and the answer is, we did not get custody. What was shocking to me and what I was NOT prepared for was they had to move out last night. Last.night?! Wow ok Lord--did not see that one coming. 

I wanted this outcome if I'm honest. I asked God many times to take this from me---so the question is, why am I crying!? Ugh dumb heart and dumb feelings---stop. These are the times being a robot would come in handy! :)

But I'm not a robot & this hurts. The funny thing with loving & choosing to love, is that it doesn't tell you how it also can bring hurt. It just asks you to love. I feel like we did that. I feel like we loved well and we opened up our hearts; even at the risk of it not being returned.

So when you loose something that you loved---well it hurts. 

That doesn't mean we wouldn't do what we did again or change the way we did anything. It is what it is and we Prayed that ultimately the Lords will be done. And it was.

So here we are relieved of the stress, the drama, waiting for our hearts to heal a little, and then we will say, "What is the next "Yes" Lord?" 

For today though, I need a day to lay in the ditch, feel, hurt, cry and then heal.  

Then we will be on to the next adventure....

Four. Days.

Have you ever started something and knew there was an end date but it was so far away that you could not imagine arriving? That's how I have felt these past five months. There have been and were so many hills to climb to get to the end date that I really did not think we would arrive. Truly. 

But we have. And it's here; oddly enough I feel settled, in a routine, and like I have a grip on life again. I honestly did not think I would ever adjust to four kids....but, dare I say it, I kind of feel I have. The kids are doing wonderful (all of them), and we are adjusted and not so fragile.  We know what to expect--don't hear me wrong it still is work! Lots of work! But something had shifted in me and I have been dreading Nov 4th coming. When I started I was racing to this date. Running as fast as I possibly could to arrive. Now with four days left, my stomach is in knots for very different reasons. I'm nervous. I have no clue what the outcome will be. And I am nervous that  my heart may just break in two. This is why I didn't want to care. This is why I didn't want to feel. Caring & feeling hurts. 

However, through all the things I can do to self protect, my God has been the sure and stable rock I cling to. When the waves have nearly rendered me useless, my God has grabbed my hand and said walk on them. 

It is only through Him and by him that I will be able to stand on that day too.Through it all my eyes are on him & I will say, "It is well with me."  

Funny thing is I didn't know that I could trust Him anymore than I did--turns out, I can. 

Pray for us Nov 4th. xoxo