30

I turned 30 his month. Its been kind of scary and fun, but more scary. Things are different these days. Life is different. Twenties were so fun and wild and exciting and new, and now lately I feel like life has been....well...kind of boring. I guess. I don't know what I expect. I guess I just miss the wild days....not wild in a bad way, but just in a way that was friends all the time, fun all the time, staying up late, beginning this independent thing....starting a career. It was brand new and exciting. Now I kind of don't feel like i can let loose. I don't know why but I'm reserved. I don't like being reserved. I like being wild, and loud, and fun, and I love laughing, and I don't feel like I laugh these days. You know, those good gut wrenching laughs, where there was no care in the world, just having fun was your main goal. I loved those days. I need those days back.
I need to get back to that life. I think life is hard, and that things are heavy, and its taking its toll. I guess my next goals it to learn how to not let it take its toll on me. How do I move into this new phase with out missing the old? Thats hard.
I'm going to figure it out though. I have to.

A Work in Progress

Wow! So over this past year, I have been in the deepest darkest places in my heart & also on the highest of highs in my heart! The only answer is that God is alive & living in me! He is in charge of the change in my life & the way my heart is beating and growing more & more in love with him! thats not to say that its not come with super hard times. this has been he most rewarding year of my life, as well as the most painful. In the end, my greatest hope is that he will be more evident in my life & that I would have a chance to pay forward what i've learned to someone else! I believe he answered that today. I got this complement:

BTW... I'm so blown away by you! I loved seeing your name with all your girls on that Tuesday night CSE... you totally caught what I was saying and invited your kids to hang out. The other girl who signed up with you guys is the girl who accepted Christ on Sunday. Keep it up... one day not long from now we'll have students coming back to serve because of the influence you were in their life, and they want to be that for someone else.

WOW! that is all I can say. God did this. he made the changes in my heart & in my life & has made a love for high school students grow. I didn't think that was possible again! ha! I can only give the credit to Him, and say I am forever grateful for the small chance that I can be the hands & feet of Jesus to these girls!
So wow! Way to go GOD! You did it! You are a life changer & people are coming to you & noticing! I am forever yours!

Jeremiah Bruce

Check out this video: Day One for Jeremiah Bruce



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Stress

That is a tiny little word, but it packs quite a punch when its striking.

2008

Its been a while huh?!? There has been a lot going on, obviously! The biggest thing is that my computer broke! So that has been the main reason for my absense....well pretty much the only reason. I've not had the time I used to have to just sit down with my thoughts and type them out, often wondering if there is a soul out there who even hears this.
My heart is heavy today. There is so much change around me lately and with growing up. I sometimes feel like I am spinning around so fast that I can't get my eyes to stop and focus. It seems like there are things happening and changes being made that just are hard to deal with and so subconsiously I don't allow myself to stop and focus, because if I did focus, I may see something that potentially could hurt me if I let it in and too close to my heart. So as a coping mechanism I just keep on spinning. I keep the forground blurry. I guess there is just too much risk involved in starting to focus.
An example would be, I feel like I jump from friend to friend. I feel like I get bored or something and then pick another friend to get close to. its weird. Its not how I want it! In fact I wish I had one friend, that I was with all the time and that is who I hung out with. I guess I just havent' found that one person that I connect 100% with. I do have one friend and she is in IL so that doesn't help me any. I'm just having a rough day I guess. I wish I were happy all the time like I used to be. When did that change? And why does that change. I guess you just get so much of life that it all just stops being funny.

All is calm & all is bright...

All IS calm. All IS bright.
I did it. I forgave. And it feels good. It feels free.
I learned from my friend that forgiveness is just...a choice. So I am CHOOSING to forgive. To lay down the hurt, the pain, the question why, and walk away. I'm extending grace & I finally have a deep grasp on what that word forgiveness means.
What a better day to mark it on than the celebration of the birth of my savior. Happy Birthday Jesus. I hope you are honored by my gift to you. An act of obedience.
All is calm, and all is bright.
Merry Christmas everyone!

Forgiveness

I discovered I have to forgive someone. I'm just not sure how, you know? Yah its one thing to say I forgive you...and move on....but how do you MOVE on? How do you take the hurt away and how do you not feel the feelings you have been trapped into feeling over and over? And how do you let it go?? What does that even look like. And what do you do when you say ok I walk away? I lay this down and I turn my back and walk the other way...and then these feelings that you let go rise up again in a month?? How do you do that??
I want to forgive and offer grace and mercy but I just don't know what that action looks like over the long haul.