Happy Birthday Ella Jaydan!!

           Happy 3rd Birthday to my Ella Jaydan! You bring so much life & spunk into our lives! You are so strong already & from day one I have prayed that you would delight in obedience! I pray your heart would fall deeply in love with Jesus and that it would be your greatest joy & honor to obey Him with all your heart. I love how you play and your imagination is just so huge! You love to laugh and dance! You think head bands are "princess crowns." Every time music comes on you think that is an opportunity to become a ballerina, and I love watching every one of your shows! :) I love hearing your little voice and how cute it is. You are my true miracle and I am so thankful and honored that the Lord thought I (we) could do this! Entrusting you to us, what an honor. I pray I do it well & that you see Jesus in me always. I love you so much my beautiful daughter. You make me so proud & I love every moment I get to do this life with you!! Happy birthday baby! xoxo

 

Running on fumes

I feel my tank is near empty. This has been a season you could say. Phew. I honestly realize why parents don't tell you about the ages 2 & 3 years old....some things are better left untold & to just experience them on your own. And experience I am. Phew. My little firecracker turns 3 on Thursday and firecracker she is. I am struggling between figuring out how to remain calm, and not let the stress in my back cripple me. It is a battle pretty regularly at my house between me & her, and I am not sure how to do this. My husband said, you are living your dream....yes but.....oh my! No one told me about this section of my "dream!!"
Make it to four years old...just make it to four, is what people keep telling me....yes but four is a whole year away!!! haha
I need to find a way to refuel, and I'm not sure how to do that well. I feel like right now its just been give give give, and momma is not getting any refueling time. Oh Lord help me to do this well....I fear I am not right now. I want to display your kindness and gentleness in every way, even in my interaction with my 3 year old. When my husband comes home I want to be radiating joy because I am getting to "live my dream" not weighed down with frustration and exhaustion.

And then when I do slow down to reflect & come back to center, I realize....I get to this place because of out of proportion priorities. Isnt' it so true that when we get overwhelmed when we get bogged down, or at the end of the rope, its because we aren't filling ourselves with Him? That's what it is for me. No wonder I've been running on fumes!! I haven't made a stop at the gas station! Sure its been a small little drive by here & there, but nothing to just sit and refuel. Duh Janna!! (Sometimes I need a swift smack to the noggin for things to click.)

Luke 11:33 says, "No one lights a lamp and puts it in a place where it will be hidden, or under a bowl. Instead he puts its on its stand, so that those who come in may see the light. Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light. But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness. See to it, then, that the light within you is not darkness. Therefore, if your whole body is full of light, and no part of it dark, it will be completely lightened, as then the light of a lamp shines on you."

My lamp has not been shining bright at all. I need to pour some more fuel in my lamp so it will ignite and burn bright for all to see....even my little 3 year old....ESPECIALLY my little 3 year old. Lord forgive my stubbornness and arrogance to even remotely think I can do this without you. You are my fuel, you are what fills me & fuels me, you are my gas station. You are the reason I will shine bright and radiate your joy, as I do GET to "live my dream." It is an honor and a joy to do this, and I begged and begged for this season, and I want to do it WELL.....but I can't without you. Lead me Lord, for your wayward servant is now listening. ♥

A Wilkinson She Is

Almost one year later, our sweet Alivia Peyton is officially a Wilkinson! We got the paperwork from the circuit court stating her name has officially been changed! Nothing much will change now, she has always been a Wilkinson to us, but now the court finally agrees! :)
Now to do all the paperwork that follows to change everything over. I'm super excited to be able to have walked this road & can honestly say I'm glad it's over. :) I know there will be other obstacles we will face as we continue down the road, but for now this obstacle is behind us! Yay! Thank you Lord for your favor & just what seems like a seamless process! And most of all, thank you for the unbelievable gift that is our Alivia Peyton Wilkinson!! <3 p="">

When I speak you listen

Oh my oh my  all the things I'm learning (not) to do from having children. A simple phrase that sounds harmless from this 34 year old mouth, grieves my heart when its repeated out of my two year old mouth! (Yikes) She is a little parrot!

One of my favorite conversations with her so far  though has gone like this:
Ella: Jesus loves Sis, Dadda, and Momma!
Me: He does! and he loves you Ella!
Ella: Yah...but I'm a little bit sad at him.
Me: You're sad at Jesus?? Why??
Ella: Because he wants my heart, and I don't want to give it to him.
Me: .........................speechless

Hahah Isn't that story of most all our lives though!? He wants my heart but I don't want to give it to him...wow.
One thing I've found myself repeating over and over as we are in this year of the "twos" is "When I speak you listen!" If you are in this house, that will save you a lot of heartache and is attached with many less forms of consequence if you would just listen when I say to do something.

*stops dead in her tracks*
Well...isn't that EXACTLY what the Lord says to us. "Janna, if you would just LISTEN when I SPEAK or do what I say when I say to do it...how much better would you be?" Wow. Simple truths.

You see, I don't say "when I speak you listen" to Ella because I'm trying to Lord over her, or control her, or any other form of negative motivation....it is to HELP her be a better person. To shape her into a woman that fears & loves God. To make her into a trustworthy person who is making an impact for the Kingdom. THAT is why I say, "When I speak you listen."
Funny how that looks when I turn that inward. My oh my how many times has my Jesus had  to say, "Janna, When I speak, you listen! If you do, you will be so much better off, I promise you, this is for your own good...." And I wish I could say every time I made the right choice, but so often it is followed with my own way & then a consequence.
Boy how different would we be, if when He spoke we Listened??

A friend of mine...*ahem Crystal* started reading this book, "He Speaks to Me" By Priscilla Shirer. I was looking for a book to read & since she had suggested it I thought I would check it out. I am only on the 1st chapter but what a great first chapter! :)

She is using the example of Samuel and how as a boy he heard from God. She said something that struck something in me; she said,

"Samuel had positioned himself to acquire knowledge and wisdom, and his spiritual ears were open to hear God's voice. Because he reverence God, he was also prepared to obey God's word when it came."

First thing was, he positioned himself to acquire knowledge and wisdom. Isn't that the truth, we have to put ourselves in a position to acquire knowledge & wisdom. To place ourselves in environments where we CAN grow, and put ourselves around people who help us position ourselves to hear from God.
Second was, he was PREPARED to OBEY. Prepared to obey. OH wow. Can I get an amen. Perhaps all the times I've fussed & fought my Lord when he says "when I speak you listen" was because I didn't  PREPARE myself to OBEY. It takes discipline to obey, it takes laying down that very large "self monster" that is in all of us, and being WILLING to obey. I just loved that. What a fresh perspective!

So oh Lord, I pray this is a new step for me. When I hear your ever sweet loving words of "When I speak you listen" I pray my heart is ready and prepared to obey! Mold me, shape me, make me more and more like you! 

Made for More

Over the past few weeks I have been leading some of the high school women leaders through a study & a journey that the Lord has been bringing me on the past 8 months or so. Most of my time and energy has been spent on that and so my little blog friend, you get neglected. I’m sorry about that. Part of the neglect is because of the time factor, and the other part of it is, it’s hard to put into writing what has been happening in me, if that makes any sense. Also fear of not being able to adequately get out all that has been happening in me has been a block for me too. 

Let me rewind a bit to give a little context to where my mind is right now. 

Last August I knew that I was going to be going part time in January of this year. Once I was freed up with not having to work so much, I knew it would be time for me to start serving again. Where though, was the bigger question?  In my mind and selfishly I wanted to join my dear friend in a ministry she was heading up & has been leading for some time. We haven’t been in ministry together in over 5 years, and quite frankly I was ready to start serving with her again & have our roads intersect again. As it is now we are just kind of running a parallel life. On two different roads, heading the same direction & every now & then we’ll make a turn and our roads connect here & there but then we go back to our own straight roads; not a bad thing, both moving in the same direction, just on different roads. Which is ok, I was just ready for us to be on the same roads again. That was MY plan. You all know how that goes. 

So as I’m thinking of where to serve the Lord just was saying to me, do not worry about “where” you will serve or the end result, just take each step as I give it to you, and move into it. So that is what I started to do. On my knees asking for direction, He did what He said he would, He gave me each step as it was needed to be given. The first step was to start researching insecurity. So I did. Which lead me to reading Beth Moore’s book, So Long Insecurity. This book along with the Word has drastically changed the trajectory of my life. Not wanting to manufacture any of the thoughts & visions I was having, I said to the Lord, if you want this to happen, you are going to have to make it happen, I’m not going to do any of this. I will do what you ask, but I’m not going to talk about it with anyone. Not even my husband. 

As the months past, I just kept pouring myself into this research of what this thing insecurity looks like played out in women’s lives specifically. Still not thinking about what was to come of any of this, just moving into each step as it was given, the dreaded day came when I heard the news that one of my former high school students that I lead, was in a car accident & died. I was so broken for her, for her family, for all the friends she left behind, but most importantly broken because I didn’t know 100% where she went. She prayed a prayer with me, but if you look at her life & the evidence of fruit….too much to bear. 

Then another piece of this puzzle came, “Now, all that research you have been doing on insecurity, I want you to bring it to high school girls & empower them to live differently.” HIGH SCHOOL?? Um Lord, I’ve been there done that & look at what happened to the one girl I gave 110% to…..Then again….”I want you to bring this to high school girls & empower them to live differently.” Ugh. Ok Lord. 

Still not have mentioning any of this to anyone, I began to write. The Lord birthed in me a six week study for these teen girls. A lot of it is from the truths I learned in Beth Moore’s book. All of this was around November 2012, and as clear as I can remember it one night I was falling asleep, and some of you who know me well know I love my sleep! Its precious to me.  Well just as I was about to fall into that deep sleep, the Holy Spirit woke me up & said, “Call it Made for More.” I thought, oh yeah that’s a good title. Falling almost to sleep again His voice came again, “Wake up, write it down. Made for More” Arguing, I didn’t want to get up so I replied, I’ll write it down in the morning. Again it came firmer now, “You will not remember, WAKE UP and write it down!” Ok Ok Lord, I’m up! So I wrote down the title in my notes section of my iPhone.

Around December, as I was finishing up things, I felt the next step in this is to let someone else in on it. So I told my husband what had been going on in my heart & where I felt like God was leading me. He was truly supportive, but also cautioned me in not getting head of the Lord, but staying in step with Him. Which I totally appreciate that he said that. Through this whole process that has been my prayer, I don’t want to walk too far ahead of you Lord, and I don’t want to lag too far behind, I just want to keep in step with you. So I appreciate his wisdom.  Then I felt it was time to talk to the lady who leads the women leaders in high school. I just told her my heart & what has been happening, and if she would have me I would like to come back to serve in high school ministry. Sweetly enough, she welcomed me with open arms.  

So since January of this year, I have been just resting & waiting on the Lord. Have what you will with this study, I am open, I hold it loosely. I truly feel like this is from Him and because of that, HE will make things happen with it if He chooses or not. February the women leader asked me to take the other women leaders through the made for more study. Ugh, and if any of you know me, I am not eloquent in speech.  I am not a “presenter.” Its one thing to bring teens through this but my peers??? That I can’t do. The Lord in His sweet graciousness, reminded me of the journey I too was on. That not only were these girls made for more, but I was made for more. I am made for more than letting lies & insecurity hinder His work in my life anymore. I am made for more than the lies I believe about myself. I am made for more than living less than He has called me to. I am worth far more than I give myself credit for, because HE lives IN ME! So I moved into the next step. 

I am still walking out these steps He is given me. We are on week four of the study, and what He has for this study after the leaders go through it, I don’t know. I don’t know if this will ever make it to the teens. I don’t know if this was purely for me. For the first time I am willing to work through my insecurities & still press in & press through them, because I BELIEVE what He says about me. Finally! So here is to the next step, whatever that looks like in me. All I can say with confidence is: we were 

MADE FOR MORE!

Always

There will always, always, always be someone better than you at something. There will always be someone who writes better, who communicates better,  sings better, dances better, cooks better, or who looks better. There will always be someone who is a better friend. Someone who is a better wife. Someone who is a better artist, photographer, doctor, dentist. Whatever "it" is for you....there will always be someone  who is better at it than you.
AND THAT IS OK!
I love this quote by Beth Moore, "Where on earth did we come up with the idea that we had to SUBTRACT VALUE from ourselves in order to GIVE CREDIT to someone else?!"
I love that.
Guys....just because someone does something a little better than you does not mean you get to devalue all if you. It is ok! There will always, always, always be someone better than you at things. Let's embrace that, find our value in who God says we are and CELEBRATE when someone does something a little bit better.  It does not mean we have to subtract value from ourselves.
Let's go in confidence today, knowing we are different, knowing we have different strengths, knowing we have different talent levels, and let's live out who God says we are! ♥

Things I'm Observing

Since going part time I have had many afternoons to observe my two girls. Ella, who is 2 1/2, and Alivia who is 7months. Things I have been observing:

• Innocence. I love just watching the innocence in each one of them. Their faces light up with the smallest of things. The world is always right in their eyes. Love that. 

• Mommy kisses really do have magical powers. Each time my oldest daughter gets hurt a requirement of healing is a kiss from Mom on the area that was hurt. Love that. 

• Everything is new and exciting. I love that the mir mention of going to the store gets a reaction as tho we have won the lotto. 

• Everything is an adventure. In the past two months I have traveled over the big mountain, to the blue lake, through the dark caves, to the green forest & on to the princess castle. All the while with Captain Ella steering us with the wheel of the stroller. It has been quite fun! 

• Sibling rivalry starts at a much younger age than I ever thought possible. 

• Headbands do not serve a purpose, as say keeping hair out of the face, as some would think. They are indeed princess crowns & should be worn everyday with any outfit. 

• Couches, tables, dresser drawers & counters were made so they could be jumped off of. 

• Everything must be explored. Whether it is learning how to fold laundry, help make dinner, help make the bed, or putting on make up or painting fingernails & toes, it must be explored.

• There are only four food groups worth trying: Milk, mac & cheese, waffles, and peanut butter & jelly sandwiches. 

and last but not least...

• There will be testing daily. Some times they are bigger tests than others, but all in all there will be a test to see how far the limit can be pressed before a consequence. 

I love watching them grow & learn! Needless to say, I'm having a blast! ♥