Today starts month 8 for little Ella! I am still in awe of this whole thing...I am eight months pregnant! Haha it cracks me up! I feel like I just found out! ha! So crazy! Last Tuesday we had our first Child Birth Education class, and it was on labor & delivery. I think it kind of freaked me out some, not because I don't want her to come, but I just didn't have this in my mind & it was the farthest thing from where I thought I'd be right now.
See for those of you who don't know, Jeremy & I have struggled with the idea of kids for the past 2-3 years. We have been married for 7 years, and at 5 years of marriage we said we'd talk about having kids. Well 5 years came & went & we were no where closer to having children than when we first got married. I desperately wanted them, and he really did not. So we were in a holding pattern....that lasted two years.
Around May of 2009 our church started a series called "Abiding". It was based off the book "Abiding in Christ" by Andrew Murray. There were 31 chapters & we were supposed to read a chapter a day. Some girls & I thought it would be neat for the month of May to read this book together & get together one night a week & discuss it. From the condition of my heart & knew I needed to do this. See I was in a place of my heart turning bitter at the situation. We had just celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary & Jeremy & I talked briefly about the idea of kids, and his response was that he was farther away from wanting them than he had ever been. And I, was closer to wanting them than I ever had been. As you can see this created a lot of hurt & resentment to start to root itself in my heart. It was no coincidence that the Abiding series was starting that very month.
Through the tearful, heart wrenching chapters, I managed to get a ton out of this book. Here is some of what I took away from it:
*Definition of Abiding:
1. To wait for
2. To endure without yielding
3. To accept without objection (as you can imagine this one did not sit well with me at the time!) :)
*"The obedient scholoar asks NO QUESTIONS about possiblities or results. He accepts every order in the confidence that his Teacher has provided for all that is needed."
*Our part is simply to yield, to trust, and to wait for what He has promised to perform.
(expert from my journal: "Trembling but trusting I lay this situation at your feet. You take it. I lay my rights, my expectations, my dreams, what I thought my life would be like at your feet. You take it. Mold me, make me like you. I am tired of fighting for what I feel are my "rights". Do this for me Jesus, I do abide in you.")
*Accept my position, consent to kept there, and surrender my faith to the strong vine.
*Let your first aim be to abide in Him, in focused, fervent devotion of heart; when the heart and life are right -->rooted in Christ, knowledge will come in the measure we need.
**Cultivate the habit of rejoicing in the assurance that the God of divine wisdom IS guiding you, even where you do not yet see the way**
There is so much more I could write out, after all I had a whole month of this goodness being poured into my broken heart. I can say with 100% certainty that at the end of the month of May, I did truly lay down the child situation. I surrendered my will & my rights.
But the reason I end on that last quote because isn't it just the way of the Lord that one year later....exactly....May 2010, that I would be starting my 8th month of pregnancy??
From May 2009, not only did God move Jeremy to a place of laying down his rights, but me laying down mine as well...and then God said, "OK, now I will do it my way." And he allowed this little life to start growing inside me.
God answered my prayers, the prayers of SO many of our friends & family too! He is with out a doubt a God who is and can be trusted, and just when we thing we don't "SEE" what he is doing, let us not forget....He IS working, He IS moving, He IS doing something, and knowledge will come in the measure we need. All we are responsible for is to have a heart that constantly says:
"Yes Lord I do abide in you."
Amazing. ♥
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