Guilt

At the risk of being vulnerable to who knows how many people in this world read this...I'm going to share my heart...after all this was my 'journal' turned Ella blog...so I'm going to just share what I've been dealing with to get it all out & written down; confirming what I've learned.

So here recently I've been feeling guilt. Just guilt with lots of different things & I've been trying to shake it on my own, but of course that never works...well yesterday Jeremy said he would take Ella during the first service at church so I could go sit in & listen with out distraction. And wouldn't you know the topic for that morning was:

Guilt
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Here are some of my notes that I took seeing as I thought this message was specifically for me.

How do you deal with guilt?
Jesus wants us to live guilt free.

What comes to your mind when you think of the word guilt?
-I feel guilty that I haven't been in the Word.
(I am very scheduled & with Ella coming & the lack of sleep/not having to be at work, I have lost all sense of a schedule. I got back to work in two weeks & I'm trying to get that figured out...hence why I'm up at 4 this morning. Working out & spending time with the Lord is vital to me. Its how I am able to function & stay close to the Lord....so with that said I've felt really guilty because if I don't do it first thing in the morning...well I don't have the discipline to do it through the day.)

-I feel guilty when I need help.
(Or inadequate because I do need help. I have pride issues apparently! ha but I feel guilty that I can't get EVERYTHING done. House work, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of me, and then the all day task of caring for Ella. I just had expectations that I could do it all..and it makes me feel guilty that I can't.)

-I feel guilty for not breastfeeding.
(For those of you gasping right now...I am pumping so Ella is getting my breast milk...I just chose to pump instead of nurse...and well...you would not believe the onslaught of questions & guilt that is piled on you. From nurses to doctors, to midwives, and then there is the everyday normal person questioning why I am not nursing. I have been struggling with feeling guilty for not nursing her...but I AM giving her my milk so I guess I don't understand the judgement from people. Isn't her getting the milk the important part? But anyway...with that said...I've allowed myself to feel like a bad Mother because of people & their judgements...which has led to me feeling guilty.)

-I feel guilty for not feeling this instant connection with Ella.
(I had such a different perspective of how this would all be...granted I am five weeks into this & its gotten 100% better....but I didn't anticipate that I would have to "get to know" Ella. I just was always told that there is this instant bond with your baby & that you automatically feel this love like you've never felt before. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I have had to get to know this little life. She was a stranger to me, and I didn't know her, her personality, how she responded, how she acts, what she needed etc. So I was feeling guilty because I really didn't have an instant connection with her...like I hear so many women do with their child. So i was like...great...here is another area I am lacking in the Motherhood department. Not only do I feel guilty for not nursing, but I feel guilty now because I didn't feel this instant connection with her. My love for her is growing for sure...and of course I LOVE her & would completely broken if she wasn't in our lives...but that love has been growing for the past five weeks...it wasn't "just there.")

Guilt is a result of sin & Jesus came to take that away.
Romans 8:1

How do you get rid of guilt?
-guilt is NOT from God.

Fact: we are guilty & Jesus took that from us
Feel: subjective guilt, what you feel
There is no reason to FEEL guilty because the FACT is...you are not! (Romans 8:1)

1 Corinthians 4:4
1 John 3
Revelations 12 -accuser tries to keep us in guilt.
-guilt is not from God, then why do I feel guilt?

Guilt is the response
-2 Cor. 8-10, Godly sorrow brings repentance...guilt brings regret.
**Guilt is about US**

Psalm 32:1-11
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So as you can see what I learned was that, guilt is NOT from God. And that guilt is about SELF. Why am I in self? because I haven't spent time with the Lord...go figure. My time in the Word each morning is such a sweet time & fills me up & keeps me going. Feelings of guilt or any other kind of onslaught of attacks happen when I'm not connecting to the Fathers heart. So notes taken, lessons learned, guilt laid down. I am not guilty...Jesus covered my guilt & I won't pick it back up. The reasons I've felt guilt are lies & based on self & I won't pick them up. They are gone.

Thank you Lord for my sweet time with your this morning. I do repent for putting you on the back burner these past few weeks, as I've been adjusting to this new schedule. I apologize for my lack of discipline through out the day. Here is to a new week, and a new journey with you! I am so grateful for this little life (Ella) that you gave us. She has changed our world in so many ways, and I can't imagine not being able to be apart of this journey. From the past 2 years, you have rocked my world, turned me inside out & upside down & I would have it no other way. I am humbled & in awe standing on this side of the mountain. I feel like I'm standing at the top of the mountain taking in the breath taking view of what I just came through. The road was tough, it stretched me & changed me forever...and now I get to look back at where you've brought me...all the while holding & caring for this little miracle.

So here is to the next valley & next climbs that are in store. I pray that you would always be in front lighting my next steps. I love you so much Lord & am so filled up & grateful for this sweet time with you. I love you.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not guilty anymore. ♥