Gate Open

My husband and I went out of town for a night this weekend. We were celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. Our friends kept our girls overnight so we could go and just be together. We had a wonderful time! We walked the shops, went to a nice dinner, and then to a movie! This used to be a pretty regular thing we did pre-kids…and it felt good to just be together doing what we loved. While walking around we went to this really neat store. It was called Alter’d State. Here is the website: http://www.altardstate.com/ The store is best described as Urban Outfitters meets Anthropologie. I loved it. As we were walking around I saw this: 

Live like someone left the gate open. Amazing. If you are a dog owner you know exactly what this means! If you aren’t, think about it. What happens when a gate is left open to a dog who has been pinned up in the back yard all day? They BOLT! They run out of the gate that has been left open so fast. They don’t look back, they run! Unrestrained, unrepressed, uninhibited, free, wild and brave. No fear. Sniffing, smelling, exploring, on the go to find the next thing, smell, taste, sight. The sky is the limit. 

I loved the picture of this saying. “Live like someone left the gate open.” I want this to be true of me. Not that I’m reckless, but that I’m uninhibited. Free. Grounded in my convictions of where I’m going. Confident in a God that is lead and nothing is going to hold me back to what I feel like God is asking of me. Running. Bolting. Exploring. Being BRAVE. Unrepressed.Living! Wouldn’t life look a lot different if we all did this. Letshave a little fun with life. The older we get I think the less fun we have. That shouldn’t be. Lets do something that is young, and free. Unexpected, but bringing glory to God. Oh to live like someone left the gate open! xo

Grief

Grief is a wicked monster. I can now say I do not like it at all. At all. It becomes such a lonely place when you are feeling the anxiety and despair of grief. You feel alone--even if someone is right beside you--you feel scared and are grasping for anything to make you feel better.

What I have discovered so far is that expecting someone to act the way you want them to act is not fair. And expecting them to fix your hurt is not fair either. Grief brings with it so many waves of emotion and some times anger is the first one to come out in me. "I need to feel better and you're not doing the things I expect you to do so that I can feel better." These are some expectations that have surfaced already in me. 

Grief also makes you feel a little crazy. If I have the hope of eternal life why am I sitting on this floor in a ball weeping my eyes out? So then I feel crazy like I don't have enough faith and it's just this endless cycle of fear loneliness and despair until the wave passes over you. Then it's calm again. 

Grief is a nasty horrible monster. Did I say I don't like it? Well I don't. At all. It hurts and the first weeks of it are beyond description. 

So I have been doing what I know to do and that is reach out to others that have experienced grief themselves. That has been so incredibly helpful. To have someone empathise with you. To fully understand this "wave" you are talking about. And to hear that it doesn't last forever. The waves slow down over time and aren't as wicked and I'm thankful for that. I have also been told to not rush past the grief. To feel it, let it out, move through it and allow it to move through you. That takes courage, and I'm a coward I'm finding out. 

But I'm also finding out that I am not without hope and this is what that means. When a wave comes, I call out and my Jesus is there to hold my hand. He is the one who comforts me, his word is what makes a light for the path when it seems as though darkness is over taking you. He is the one who calms all anxiety and fear. He is the one that is going to fill and heal what is broken in me. And that, I can be sure of. I was praying and I felt like he said to me, Janna I have been trustworthy up until this point in your life, why would I not be trustworthy in death too? And that's a good question. And one that brings me back into focus. 

My God is good. 

My God did hear our prayers asking Him to take my Dad home before he was on a feeding tube and bed ridden.

My God did honor my moms fears of finding him dead in her house, she didn't have to see him at all, the coroner came to HER. 

My God is sweet. He is so caring and compassionate even in death. Even in the wicked state that is grief. 

And my God has brought his boy home and he is rejoicing and healed and whole.  It's hard to grieve that. 

But I do miss my Dad. A lot. Deeply and painfully so much. 

I will see him again and that is the anchor I hold on to. 

Would you?

A lot has been running through my mind these past few weeks. A lot about life, and what happens when we die. In my heart I know....two options...heaven or hell. But quite honestly when I let my thoughts run rampant and I let my mind wander, I start to get really freaked out. I am a planner. I like a schedule. I like a plan. I like to know what is coming and what is (semi) controllable, or at least a small semblance of controllable.....heaven does not offer that. Ha! It's totally unknown! It's wide open space that I have no clue or context about.....at all (clearly because I have not been). But my Dad has.....what is he doing?? What is happening RIGHT NOW!? Why when he took his last breath did he say, "I have to go now." Was God there? Jesus? Was it an angel?? I also have a huge problem with "needing to know." Ha! My mind goes all over and I feel this free fall feeling in my gut that isn't controllable and that freaks me out even more.
I'm a mess.
This past few weeks as I've been wrestling these thoughts, God as gently been reminding me of this, "Janna you love me, you do anything for me, you know me...so why am I trustworthy in life, but not in death?" And then I weep. The answer? I don't know.
I know in my head the answer is supposed to be, "you are Lord."
Then I think about that question.....is he Trustworthy....always??
What if it cost something?
What if he asks something so huge of you and you don't know if you can do it? What if he asks you to move? Away from your family, away from comfort, away from what you've always known? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to give up that dream job (the dream pay check) for the sake of following him into ministry? What if he asks you to lay down your right to bear your own children? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to move over seas and start a ministry? What if he asks you to take the biggest leap of your life, would you?
My heart says yes, but when it's a true reality, and these things are smack in your face, in my human-ness my mind says no. It's too scary.
Oh Lord let our faith be faith that isn't dependant on our circumstances. Let our faith be built on you and you alone not because we are codependent on the people you've placed in our lives. Let our yes to you be because we love and TRUST you, in life.....and in death. Let our yes to you be because we are so grounded in the Word that we can but only say yes....even when it cost something. Something huge.
You see, it's real easy to say yes when there isn't anything to sacrifice. I think this is where the rubber meets the road, in the thick of life. When things aren't cookie cutter. When things are messy, when things aren't "controllable." So what about you? If he asked some thing big of you....would you?

I'm not sure where you are in life right now, but this I'm sure of...He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy in life and my journey is one that shouts that loudly. And even though I still get those butterfly feelings in the pit of my gut thinking about the unknown of death....if he is trustworthy in life, then of course he is even more trustworthy in death. And for that I'm thankful.

Some verses that have brought me comfort that my sweet husband wrote down for me are these:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5-6‬ NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)