Grief

Grief is a wicked monster. I can now say I do not like it at all. At all. It becomes such a lonely place when you are feeling the anxiety and despair of grief. You feel alone--even if someone is right beside you--you feel scared and are grasping for anything to make you feel better.

What I have discovered so far is that expecting someone to act the way you want them to act is not fair. And expecting them to fix your hurt is not fair either. Grief brings with it so many waves of emotion and some times anger is the first one to come out in me. "I need to feel better and you're not doing the things I expect you to do so that I can feel better." These are some expectations that have surfaced already in me. 

Grief also makes you feel a little crazy. If I have the hope of eternal life why am I sitting on this floor in a ball weeping my eyes out? So then I feel crazy like I don't have enough faith and it's just this endless cycle of fear loneliness and despair until the wave passes over you. Then it's calm again. 

Grief is a nasty horrible monster. Did I say I don't like it? Well I don't. At all. It hurts and the first weeks of it are beyond description. 

So I have been doing what I know to do and that is reach out to others that have experienced grief themselves. That has been so incredibly helpful. To have someone empathise with you. To fully understand this "wave" you are talking about. And to hear that it doesn't last forever. The waves slow down over time and aren't as wicked and I'm thankful for that. I have also been told to not rush past the grief. To feel it, let it out, move through it and allow it to move through you. That takes courage, and I'm a coward I'm finding out. 

But I'm also finding out that I am not without hope and this is what that means. When a wave comes, I call out and my Jesus is there to hold my hand. He is the one who comforts me, his word is what makes a light for the path when it seems as though darkness is over taking you. He is the one who calms all anxiety and fear. He is the one that is going to fill and heal what is broken in me. And that, I can be sure of. I was praying and I felt like he said to me, Janna I have been trustworthy up until this point in your life, why would I not be trustworthy in death too? And that's a good question. And one that brings me back into focus. 

My God is good. 

My God did hear our prayers asking Him to take my Dad home before he was on a feeding tube and bed ridden.

My God did honor my moms fears of finding him dead in her house, she didn't have to see him at all, the coroner came to HER. 

My God is sweet. He is so caring and compassionate even in death. Even in the wicked state that is grief. 

And my God has brought his boy home and he is rejoicing and healed and whole.  It's hard to grieve that. 

But I do miss my Dad. A lot. Deeply and painfully so much. 

I will see him again and that is the anchor I hold on to.