Would you?

A lot has been running through my mind these past few weeks. A lot about life, and what happens when we die. In my heart I know....two options...heaven or hell. But quite honestly when I let my thoughts run rampant and I let my mind wander, I start to get really freaked out. I am a planner. I like a schedule. I like a plan. I like to know what is coming and what is (semi) controllable, or at least a small semblance of controllable.....heaven does not offer that. Ha! It's totally unknown! It's wide open space that I have no clue or context about.....at all (clearly because I have not been). But my Dad has.....what is he doing?? What is happening RIGHT NOW!? Why when he took his last breath did he say, "I have to go now." Was God there? Jesus? Was it an angel?? I also have a huge problem with "needing to know." Ha! My mind goes all over and I feel this free fall feeling in my gut that isn't controllable and that freaks me out even more.
I'm a mess.
This past few weeks as I've been wrestling these thoughts, God as gently been reminding me of this, "Janna you love me, you do anything for me, you know me...so why am I trustworthy in life, but not in death?" And then I weep. The answer? I don't know.
I know in my head the answer is supposed to be, "you are Lord."
Then I think about that question.....is he Trustworthy....always??
What if it cost something?
What if he asks something so huge of you and you don't know if you can do it? What if he asks you to move? Away from your family, away from comfort, away from what you've always known? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to give up that dream job (the dream pay check) for the sake of following him into ministry? What if he asks you to lay down your right to bear your own children? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to move over seas and start a ministry? What if he asks you to take the biggest leap of your life, would you?
My heart says yes, but when it's a true reality, and these things are smack in your face, in my human-ness my mind says no. It's too scary.
Oh Lord let our faith be faith that isn't dependant on our circumstances. Let our faith be built on you and you alone not because we are codependent on the people you've placed in our lives. Let our yes to you be because we love and TRUST you, in life.....and in death. Let our yes to you be because we are so grounded in the Word that we can but only say yes....even when it cost something. Something huge.
You see, it's real easy to say yes when there isn't anything to sacrifice. I think this is where the rubber meets the road, in the thick of life. When things aren't cookie cutter. When things are messy, when things aren't "controllable." So what about you? If he asked some thing big of you....would you?

I'm not sure where you are in life right now, but this I'm sure of...He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy in life and my journey is one that shouts that loudly. And even though I still get those butterfly feelings in the pit of my gut thinking about the unknown of death....if he is trustworthy in life, then of course he is even more trustworthy in death. And for that I'm thankful.

Some verses that have brought me comfort that my sweet husband wrote down for me are these:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5-6‬ NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)