I never want myself to get in the way of us.

This morning I was reading the word, and for a few months this statement hasn't been true for me. I have let myself get in the way of my walk with the Lord. Just making excuses, and not making time with Him. I realized that any distance created between us is because I've let myself get in the way of us. How sad. I never want myself to get in the way. I often find myself fighting thoughts, and urges. one big urge for me is the need to be validated. I get real down on myself if I'm not finding validation in other people. That is not OK. I get the most desperate when I've not spent enough time with the Lord. I will make this change. I have to. in order to survive. I must. ♥

Why I do it.

There is little to no reward really in helping out in the youth group Sunday after Sunday. Or so I was beginning to think. Thoughts of, is this REALLY making any difference? Am I really serving in the right area? I have no clue how God will change these hearts for him. We are working from such a deficit! This are thoughts that would fill my heart & mind some Sundays as I would walk into the youth room. Then days like today & day like last Monday happen.
Last Monday, I went to the Baptism interviews like I normally do. This time I was partnered with 2 high school girls that I'd never met before. As we talked I started to discern that these two girls did not yet know the Lord. So as I showed them the bridge & they said they wanted a relationship with the Lord, I prayed with them & two souls were written in the Book of Life! Amazing! All because God allowed me to be a part of their night!
And tonight, I get an email from one of my High School friends...here is what she wrote:

hey Janna!♥
i wanted you to know that the book you gave me Sunday helps me on my spiritual journey. it made a great connection yesterday!
yesterdays was: "Taking the initiative against depression"
It's February 17th. "Depression tends to turn us away from the everyday things of God's creation. But whenever God steps in, His inspiration is to do the most natural, simple things--things we would never have imagined God was in, but as we do them we find Him there.
it connected to my life in so many ways and brightened my day, like you! (:

hope you feel better. and thanks for all you do.
love ya

Yeah wow! So if this past 2 weeks haven't been confirmation enough I don't know what is! Thank you Lord for confirming that for me! I am honored & humbled to be your servant!

Random

So I just want to blog...but not sure what to blog about. There are so many things going on with me right now, it could take a while to get them all out. I guess I'll start with my mood...I'm just kind of in a rut I think. Not with God or anything like that...just I guess with life. After turning 30, whether it changed for most people or not, my life kind of changed. I'm no longer under that "I'm in my 20's" umbrella anymore. So that doesn't fly with some responces. I don't have children, I don't own a home....I just am married & work. I mean really? I just feel ready for that next stage of life but its not happening. I'm not quite sure why, I feel like I'm walking on a treadmill! My life is passing me by, I'm definately getting older, but nothing really around me has changed. Its odd. I was thinking the other day that I have not lived in one state longer than 10 years. I was born in Wyoming, moved to Denver when I was 10, then moved to VA when I was 20. I've been here 9 years now...and maybe all this is coming from the fact that I've moved every 10 years & I just am getting restless?? Who knows. Who knows why I get in moods the way I do, or why I have the thoughts I do sometimes. I just get confused & overwhelmed somedays...I guess this is one of those.

New year...New You!

So I really meant to write before 20 days into the new year...but you know how that goes! First off just wanted to update you on my year so far...we had a New Years Eve party at our house, that was super fun! Heres a picture for you:


It was was a good time! I even had confetti & balloons, and silly string! All my favorites! It was great! Then Jer's parents came into town & we went up to DC for a couple days! that was really fun too. So now that all that has happened, we are just tryin to get into the swing of things in the New Year.
So we all know that a New Year means new resolutions. I was asked what resolutions had I set...and I hadn't really set any except to do the best i could at honoring God with all of me. I know what that looks like for me, and not really going to share with you! Sorry. But another thing that I learned recently was that I had been holding on to the traditions of man rather than the commands of God. See there are so many things that I thought would have done or been in a differnt place in my life than I am right now, and often I get so caught up in the traditions of man. You know the kind that say, you get married, buy a house, and then have a baby, raise the baby, then travel with your husband after the kids are gone. So here lately God has been changing my paradym. He showed me that those were and are merely traditions of man, when in reality I should be focusing on what God commands of me. So now I'm trying to sort through what that looks like for me. What commands from God are going to be where he takes me next, you know? I know part of that means laying down those "traditions" of man.

Despised....

Numbers 15:30-31

30 " 'But anyone who sins defiantly, whether native-born or alien, blasphemes the LORD, and that person must be cut off from his people. 31 Because he has despised the LORD's word and broken his commands, that person must surely be cut off; his guilt remains on him.' "

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I read this, this morning. This was kind of harsh...but good & much needed to remember. I don't think I think about sin being this big....well I didn't think about 'defiant sin' being this big of a deal...I guess. It says it "despises the Lords Word!"....despises is a hard word! I don't think when I am in a situation where I am 'choosing' to sin...I think about what I'm really doing...I'm despising Gods Word! WOW. That hit me harder than I thought I would.
Through this whole journey I never want to be a person who just deliberately despises Gods word & purposely break his commands. I realize this was under the law, and that we have grace now through Jesus...but this was a good reminder for me.
A reminder that when I'm faced with a sinful situation...what will I do. Will I give into my self & despise Gods word? Or will I move away from it?
What would you do?

Christmas Eve eve

So wow! its the day before Christmas Eve! I can't believe how fast time has flown by! Its official though, my laptop is fixed & so I hope to have a lot more blogging time! (yaay)
So Christmas Eve is my favorite day of the year! I think its because there is always a Christmas Eve service & then after a group of friends get togheter & just eat snackes & hang out...waiting for Santa! I just love the time time & the lights & just remember the reason...truly for the season; Jesus' birthday! I can get so caught up in the hussle & bustle and the commercialization of the holidays, but this year I've been constantly reminded of the real reason of why we celebrate. His birth is so important to why I believe what I believe & I get so bummed I forget that some times. I listened to this song by Relient K, and the words are amazing:

And with this Christmas wish is missed
The point I could convey
If only I could find the words to say to let You know how much You've touched my life
Because here is where You're finding me, in the exact same place as New Year's eve
And from a lack of my persistency
We're less than half as close as I want to be

And the first time
That You opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior
And the first breath that left Your lips
Did You know that it would change this world forever

And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years
To what this midnight made so clear
That You have come to meet me here

To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me
In the hope that what You did
That you were born so I might live
To look back and think that
This baby would one day save me

And I, I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life

I just love these words, because at the end of each year, I don't want to be where I started. I want to have changed & moved & loved like Jesus loves....I hope that will be true.

We can not seperate....

"Never Alone"
Barlow Girls

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?

I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I"m never alone

And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

We cannot separate
'Cause You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen

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So many times I do not hold tight to what I know. I don't remember that he is here & I'm never alone. I can't find that reassurance that he's placed in my life. I know we can't separate, because He's part of me, and I think because he is unseen I forget to trust the unseen. How do I still hold tight when I make the choices to not press in? To not be with him, or spend time with him, or ask him to lead instead of me? How do I keep pressing on and into him when my life is going great? How do I hold tight to what I know when I don't "need" him?
This is my hearts prayer, and cry. I want to be so in touch with him & what I know that I find that deep deep reassurance in my life. To live out that I know we can not separate. That he's part of me. Even though, he is invisible.
God show me. REMIND ME. Prompt me, move me, wake me up in you. I love you. I do. I want to be so close, that I feel your heart beat. Show me how to stay close to you in the good times.
Not just the bad.