June 17,1953

Today you would have been 62. I honestly thought we would have one more birthday celebration with you & it makes me incredibly sad I can call and hear your voice. For now the saved voicemails will have to do. 

Happy birthday Daddy. Mom, Jeremiah and I are wishing we could have spent one more with you, but the trade off of you here suffering isn't worth knowing how you are rejoicing with Jesus! Can't wait to see you again.

Miss you so much it hurts.

Every day is different....

I was talking to a friend last week about the events happening in my life currently. The best I could describe it was; every day is different. I can’t plan beyond what is happening today. I would go through all the effort and it be all for not, because God has a different plan for that day. One that is opposite anything I would imagine for my life, but he knew. And I love that he trusts us enough to keep giving us opportunities to trust him more. 

So as I said every day is different and yesterday proved this all too well. Well let me back up….if you keep up with my blog you know we had some kids living with us last summer/fall & we were moving into custody of them, but the family decided they wanted to parent the kids. So this past December they took the children out of our home and I thought that was the last we would hear from them. Fast forward to about a month ago, I got a message from their mother that they were really struggling and if we would have them, they would like us to parent their kids. It was a total God thing how these kids came into our home in the first place, so without hesitation we said yes….with some stricter guidelines. There were some things we did well last summer and some things we didn’t do well, and so this was our chance to do it differently. One being we didn’t want to bring them back into our home until we had custody. Which we have filled for we are just waiting on a court date. So enter yesterday…..got a call from the social worker and she thinks it would be best and look the best to get the kids into our home as soon as possible to show they are doing well, even before the court date…..enter the sentence, every day is different…..so…..our kids are moving in this Saturday! HahaWhoever said life with Jesus was boring, was not truly walking with Him! Haha Shew, what a ride we are on. 

I have had several people asking me how I’m doing with all of this (last summer going from 2 to 4 kids was a BIT overwhelming for me to say the least), so how I am …well....would you think I was crazy if I said….excited?? I think in God’s grace he has allowed me to forget the "trauma" of last summer...Like I remember there being rough patches with the oldest, but I don't remember the really bad stuff I don't think. Because when people are asking how I am, they are asking me that question in a way that makes me think they are thinking "oh man how long till the looney bin" or makes me think "Should I be bad?? Maybe I should be in a really bad place right now?".....and that is OK and totally understandable! I was a mess last summer so I get the questions. I just think in Gods graciousness he has given me a love for these kids that is different this time. They aren’t "visitors" this time, they are "our kids" and will be for good. They are here for good this time, no more back and forth, we have them here, we have them there, we do, we don't, we do, we don't kind of thing. There will bestructure and these are our kids.....and I’m excited for that. I'm excited to watch the oldest start to bloom and become a little lady that is soft and kind and not codependent. I am excited to see our boy laugh again to smile, to feel and be loved, well. I'm excited for another chance to do this the right way and not just be hardly keeping my head above water, but to do it well and walk on the water with Jesus this time.  Here we go!

On repeat

This song is currently on repeat. It is for me and I love it. You can listen to it here:

http://open.spotify.com/track/4itmpxEQ7oWED3CsTvx9sF

"Make A Way"

You brought me to the desert so You could be my water

You brought me to the fire so You could be my shield

You brought me to the darkness so You could be my morning light

If You brought me this far, if You brought me this far

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

You will make a way

And when I’m in the valley, You will be my comfort

And when I’m at the end of me, I find You there

When I’m in the battle, You will be my present peace

Cause You brought me this far, You brought me this far

If You brought me this far

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

My God will make a way

Cause You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You will make a way

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

You brought me this far

My God will make a way

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

Wherever you lead me, I know you won’t leave me

Wherever you call me, You will make a way

Wherever we’re going, I will be holding

To the promise you have made

You will make a way

You will make a way

Schadenfreude

In an attempt to understand God's love better, I have been walking my leader small group through one of the most popular passages read at a wedding...1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
This week we are on vs. 6: "Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth." I have been learning so much about this and have found great wisdom from Ted Schroder (blog writer) & the website Got questions and wanted to share what I found this week.

Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth......We here in America don't have a word for this but the Germans do...its Schadenfreude. Pronounced like Shaw.den.frued.a.
This means: Satisfaction or pleasure felt at someone else's misfortune.

Scahdenfreude is a part of our culture, everyone one of us experience it. For example: we applaud when the opposing team fumbles the ball in football. We get a thrill when a car crashes at the Daytona 500. If a star player from the other team gets hurt, we may care that they are ok, but inside we are like YESSSS!!! now we can win!! Right? Aren't we like this!?

Its central to Television as well....think about it...what is the whole premise of the 3 Stooges? Pleasure felt at someone else misfortune, right? What about Tom & Jerry? Roadrunner? Even more up to date shows....there are shows called Revenge, and Scandal...Nashville...all based out of schadenfreude.

There is a part of us that delights when our enemy suffer right? We feel justified when people whom we loathe (because they hurt us or for whatever reason you may have) suffers.

.....love does not delight in evil....but rejoices with the truth.....Think about it though.....when love enters the picture, doesn't the whole equation change?
When its a friend that falls from grace, we are sad for them. Or when our loved one encounters adversity, or bad things happen to them, or when the medical diagnosis is poor, we become sad and shocked. We are broken and hurting with and for them, right?

Its hard to delight in the misfortunes of those you love, no matter what they have done, isn't it?
Love--Loves the truth.
Love--Does not love evil
Love--Rejoices with the good news that Jesus has triumphed over evil on the cross.
Evil is the antithesis of the truth & Jesus came to save us from evil. Therefore, we can not delight in evil AND rejoice with the truth. We have to choose between the two.

Psalm 5:4 says: "You are not a God who takes pleasure in evil; with you the wicked cannot dwell.

Psalm 1:1-2, "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked or stand in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night."
-doesn't walk in the counsel of the wicked.
-delights and mediates on his law...
now read vs. 3: "He is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers."

There is simple wisdom in these 3 verses:
-->The more we delight in Gods presence, the more fruitful we are.

(side note)
I do want to point out that the end part, "whatever he does prospers" does not mean immunity from failure or difficulties. Nor are we guaranteed health, wealth, and happiness.

What this means is: When we apply Gods wisdom, the fruit will produce actions and attitudes that honor God. 
Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth......the better we understand LOVE, the more we will sorrow over those who commit sin, and the less we will respond out of schadenfreude.

Where are you currently struggling with schadenfreude?

Gate Open

My husband and I went out of town for a night this weekend. We were celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. Our friends kept our girls overnight so we could go and just be together. We had a wonderful time! We walked the shops, went to a nice dinner, and then to a movie! This used to be a pretty regular thing we did pre-kids…and it felt good to just be together doing what we loved. While walking around we went to this really neat store. It was called Alter’d State. Here is the website: http://www.altardstate.com/ The store is best described as Urban Outfitters meets Anthropologie. I loved it. As we were walking around I saw this: 

Live like someone left the gate open. Amazing. If you are a dog owner you know exactly what this means! If you aren’t, think about it. What happens when a gate is left open to a dog who has been pinned up in the back yard all day? They BOLT! They run out of the gate that has been left open so fast. They don’t look back, they run! Unrestrained, unrepressed, uninhibited, free, wild and brave. No fear. Sniffing, smelling, exploring, on the go to find the next thing, smell, taste, sight. The sky is the limit. 

I loved the picture of this saying. “Live like someone left the gate open.” I want this to be true of me. Not that I’m reckless, but that I’m uninhibited. Free. Grounded in my convictions of where I’m going. Confident in a God that is lead and nothing is going to hold me back to what I feel like God is asking of me. Running. Bolting. Exploring. Being BRAVE. Unrepressed.Living! Wouldn’t life look a lot different if we all did this. Letshave a little fun with life. The older we get I think the less fun we have. That shouldn’t be. Lets do something that is young, and free. Unexpected, but bringing glory to God. Oh to live like someone left the gate open! xo

Grief

Grief is a wicked monster. I can now say I do not like it at all. At all. It becomes such a lonely place when you are feeling the anxiety and despair of grief. You feel alone--even if someone is right beside you--you feel scared and are grasping for anything to make you feel better.

What I have discovered so far is that expecting someone to act the way you want them to act is not fair. And expecting them to fix your hurt is not fair either. Grief brings with it so many waves of emotion and some times anger is the first one to come out in me. "I need to feel better and you're not doing the things I expect you to do so that I can feel better." These are some expectations that have surfaced already in me. 

Grief also makes you feel a little crazy. If I have the hope of eternal life why am I sitting on this floor in a ball weeping my eyes out? So then I feel crazy like I don't have enough faith and it's just this endless cycle of fear loneliness and despair until the wave passes over you. Then it's calm again. 

Grief is a nasty horrible monster. Did I say I don't like it? Well I don't. At all. It hurts and the first weeks of it are beyond description. 

So I have been doing what I know to do and that is reach out to others that have experienced grief themselves. That has been so incredibly helpful. To have someone empathise with you. To fully understand this "wave" you are talking about. And to hear that it doesn't last forever. The waves slow down over time and aren't as wicked and I'm thankful for that. I have also been told to not rush past the grief. To feel it, let it out, move through it and allow it to move through you. That takes courage, and I'm a coward I'm finding out. 

But I'm also finding out that I am not without hope and this is what that means. When a wave comes, I call out and my Jesus is there to hold my hand. He is the one who comforts me, his word is what makes a light for the path when it seems as though darkness is over taking you. He is the one who calms all anxiety and fear. He is the one that is going to fill and heal what is broken in me. And that, I can be sure of. I was praying and I felt like he said to me, Janna I have been trustworthy up until this point in your life, why would I not be trustworthy in death too? And that's a good question. And one that brings me back into focus. 

My God is good. 

My God did hear our prayers asking Him to take my Dad home before he was on a feeding tube and bed ridden.

My God did honor my moms fears of finding him dead in her house, she didn't have to see him at all, the coroner came to HER. 

My God is sweet. He is so caring and compassionate even in death. Even in the wicked state that is grief. 

And my God has brought his boy home and he is rejoicing and healed and whole.  It's hard to grieve that. 

But I do miss my Dad. A lot. Deeply and painfully so much. 

I will see him again and that is the anchor I hold on to. 

Would you?

A lot has been running through my mind these past few weeks. A lot about life, and what happens when we die. In my heart I know....two options...heaven or hell. But quite honestly when I let my thoughts run rampant and I let my mind wander, I start to get really freaked out. I am a planner. I like a schedule. I like a plan. I like to know what is coming and what is (semi) controllable, or at least a small semblance of controllable.....heaven does not offer that. Ha! It's totally unknown! It's wide open space that I have no clue or context about.....at all (clearly because I have not been). But my Dad has.....what is he doing?? What is happening RIGHT NOW!? Why when he took his last breath did he say, "I have to go now." Was God there? Jesus? Was it an angel?? I also have a huge problem with "needing to know." Ha! My mind goes all over and I feel this free fall feeling in my gut that isn't controllable and that freaks me out even more.
I'm a mess.
This past few weeks as I've been wrestling these thoughts, God as gently been reminding me of this, "Janna you love me, you do anything for me, you know me...so why am I trustworthy in life, but not in death?" And then I weep. The answer? I don't know.
I know in my head the answer is supposed to be, "you are Lord."
Then I think about that question.....is he Trustworthy....always??
What if it cost something?
What if he asks something so huge of you and you don't know if you can do it? What if he asks you to move? Away from your family, away from comfort, away from what you've always known? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to give up that dream job (the dream pay check) for the sake of following him into ministry? What if he asks you to lay down your right to bear your own children? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to move over seas and start a ministry? What if he asks you to take the biggest leap of your life, would you?
My heart says yes, but when it's a true reality, and these things are smack in your face, in my human-ness my mind says no. It's too scary.
Oh Lord let our faith be faith that isn't dependant on our circumstances. Let our faith be built on you and you alone not because we are codependent on the people you've placed in our lives. Let our yes to you be because we love and TRUST you, in life.....and in death. Let our yes to you be because we are so grounded in the Word that we can but only say yes....even when it cost something. Something huge.
You see, it's real easy to say yes when there isn't anything to sacrifice. I think this is where the rubber meets the road, in the thick of life. When things aren't cookie cutter. When things are messy, when things aren't "controllable." So what about you? If he asked some thing big of you....would you?

I'm not sure where you are in life right now, but this I'm sure of...He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy in life and my journey is one that shouts that loudly. And even though I still get those butterfly feelings in the pit of my gut thinking about the unknown of death....if he is trustworthy in life, then of course he is even more trustworthy in death. And for that I'm thankful.

Some verses that have brought me comfort that my sweet husband wrote down for me are these:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5-6‬ NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)