We have an answer

Well....the long awaited day has come and gone. We have an answer & and the answer is, we did not get custody. What was shocking to me and what I was NOT prepared for was they had to move out last night. Last.night?! Wow ok Lord--did not see that one coming. 

I wanted this outcome if I'm honest. I asked God many times to take this from me---so the question is, why am I crying!? Ugh dumb heart and dumb feelings---stop. These are the times being a robot would come in handy! :)

But I'm not a robot & this hurts. The funny thing with loving & choosing to love, is that it doesn't tell you how it also can bring hurt. It just asks you to love. I feel like we did that. I feel like we loved well and we opened up our hearts; even at the risk of it not being returned.

So when you loose something that you loved---well it hurts. 

That doesn't mean we wouldn't do what we did again or change the way we did anything. It is what it is and we Prayed that ultimately the Lords will be done. And it was.

So here we are relieved of the stress, the drama, waiting for our hearts to heal a little, and then we will say, "What is the next "Yes" Lord?" 

For today though, I need a day to lay in the ditch, feel, hurt, cry and then heal.  

Then we will be on to the next adventure....

Four. Days.

Have you ever started something and knew there was an end date but it was so far away that you could not imagine arriving? That's how I have felt these past five months. There have been and were so many hills to climb to get to the end date that I really did not think we would arrive. Truly. 

But we have. And it's here; oddly enough I feel settled, in a routine, and like I have a grip on life again. I honestly did not think I would ever adjust to four kids....but, dare I say it, I kind of feel I have. The kids are doing wonderful (all of them), and we are adjusted and not so fragile.  We know what to expect--don't hear me wrong it still is work! Lots of work! But something had shifted in me and I have been dreading Nov 4th coming. When I started I was racing to this date. Running as fast as I possibly could to arrive. Now with four days left, my stomach is in knots for very different reasons. I'm nervous. I have no clue what the outcome will be. And I am nervous that  my heart may just break in two. This is why I didn't want to care. This is why I didn't want to feel. Caring & feeling hurts. 

However, through all the things I can do to self protect, my God has been the sure and stable rock I cling to. When the waves have nearly rendered me useless, my God has grabbed my hand and said walk on them. 

It is only through Him and by him that I will be able to stand on that day too.Through it all my eyes are on him & I will say, "It is well with me."  

Funny thing is I didn't know that I could trust Him anymore than I did--turns out, I can. 

Pray for us Nov 4th. xoxo

I Shall Not Want

Oh how I love music and how it speaks straight to my heart most days. 

This is where I am currently wrestling....I Shall Not Want by Audrey Assad

http://youtu.be/e5xEYgGr6ms

"I Shall Not Want"

From the love of my own comfort

From the fear of having nothing

From a life of worldly passions

Deliver me O God

From the need to be understood

From the need to be accepted

From the fear of being lonely

Deliver me O God

Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

From the fear of serving others

From the fear of death or trial

From the fear of humility

Deliver me O God

Deliver me O God

And I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

No, I shall not want, I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

When I taste Your goodness I shall not want

Let this be....

Just this. ❤️

"Once And For All"

God I give You all I can today

These scattered ashes that are hid away 

I lay them all at Your feet

From the corners of my deepest shame

The empty places where I've worn Your name

Show me the love I say I believe

O Help me to lay it down

Oh, Lord I'll lay it down 

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdom fall

Once and for all, once and for all

There is victory in my saviors loss

and In the crimson flowing from the cross

Pour over me, pour over me

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdom fall

Once and for all, once and for all

O Lord I lay it down

O Lord I lay it down

Help me to lay it down

O Lord I lay it down

O let this be where I die

My Lord with thee crucified

Be lifted high as my kingdom fall

Once and for all

Once and for all

O Once and for all

Once and for all

-thanks Lauren Daigle-

Treasured Days

About two months ago we were awarded temporary custody of a 4 and 9 year old on top of our already 3 and 5 year old that was in our home, I was.....overwhelmed....and that is an understatement. I knew the shape I was in last summer when we took in this same set of children and the best I knew how to describe it was like this: I felt i was in the ocean without a life preserver and I was treading water, for hours, for days, which turned into weeks, and slowly slowly I was drowning. That is what it felt like to me. I could not wrap my head around 4 kids. Going from 2 to 4 overnight is unlike anything I have ever experienced. Needless to say it was hard. hard. hard......hard.
So this summer when we found ourselves in the same place of God asking us to say yes to take in these two kids again, for me to say yes was a complete act of obedience. I was scared. I remember how it was, I remember how I felt, so out of control, like the wave was taking me under and I was powerless to stop it. So to be in the same spot again, and to have the judge award us with legally saying yes these kids are in your home for now....I again...was completely overwhelmed.
I cried, a lot. I questioned God. Why do you think I can handle this? Why do you think this is the best place for them when last year you saw how hard it was?? Why is this the exact same time my husbands role changes at work giving him more responsibility than he has ever had? Why when I was , for the first time ever, asked to speak in front of the women leaders at our church?? (Which for those of you who do not know me....lets just say, think of your biggest fear...and equate that to my fear of public speaking & you will have an idea). Why Lord? I don't understand.
But I went through the motions still. I did my best, I clung to him, but this time I knew what to expect with four, so I felt like I had a better grasp as to what was coming. So it felt a little less chaotic. About a month into it, I felt my face and heart getting hard. You know when you are doing something you don't want to do, but you do it anyway? If your heart isn't in it with your actions, what happens? You start to get hard, and bitter, and take things out on people that you aren't supposed to.
So in those moments and days, that is when I felt God saying to me.....you need to find the JOY in the process. So cynical me says, yah right Lord. the JOY??? The joy?!!? How in the world am I going to find the JOY in this process? Its the hardest thing I have ever done. I am so exhausted from working part time, and having to care for a house. I am overwhelmed by the amount of house work that is required for all these people. To top it off I have now 4 girls emotions in the house that I have to deal with, mine included. How in the world am I going to find the joy?!!? Its not joyful to me to have to give up myself every day......and then it hit me.
Luke 9:23-24, "Then he said to me, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever looses their life for me will save it."
And those verses that I have heard all my life (pretty much) started to make perfect sense.
THIS is self denial. THIS is denying myself and taking up my cross. THIS is wanting to be his disciple.
And THAT is why he wants me to find the joy in it.
Oh my God loves me a lot & he shows me OFTEN that he does. I can't imagine life without him.
So the days look different now. In all reality I may only have two more months with these two extra kids in my home if the judge awards custody to the Aunt. Two months to do kingdom work. Two months of laughter and noise that is so loud it hurts at times. Two months of being a family of six. Two months in this season that in the grand scheme of life will be but a vapor.
So now these have become treasured days. Days that I don't take lightly. Each day has purpose and meaning to it, and I am joyfully---not perfectly---choosing to walk in them.

Finally ready now....

I have been trying to wrap my head around God’s plan and to me, right now, it just doesn’t make sense. I don’t get it and I have fear of the final outcome and just….flat out…..really don’t understand.. I’m now willing to be at a place where I don’t understand what he’s doing and am ok with that, but it has taken a few weeks to get here, if I’m honest. 

What happened on the 28th of July was we went to court to file for custody of two kids (ages 9 & 4), who’s birth mother has asked us to step in and parent. Since we filed for custody there was another family member from the other side of the family who has now also filed for custody of these two kids. There is some discord within this family so it’s messy. Well on the 28ththe Judge gave us temporary custody until the final court date in November.  This is where I don’t understand & am fearful. I don’t understand why God would keep these kids in our home for another 4 months, only to have them taken back out of our home in November. They would have to change school districts mid-year, get attached and adjusted to us as a family then all for what---to be pulled back out of our home? Ugh. Its too much. And I fear my heart will break in two. But God didn’t ask me to understand, he asked me to say yes.

 

So over the past few weeks I have felt that I am to come to a place where I can find the JOY in this process. I have done a lot of crying already & I felt like He is asking me to find the joy in this. Its so easy to focus on the negative things, isn’t it? I can spew out a million negatives and how and why this shouldn’t be how it is currently, but yet it is. This is what God has asked of us right now & after a lot of tears and feet stomping, I am embracing it. 

I have had this song on repeat—I mean repeat! Repeat repeat. Ha! 

http://youtu.be/fFfw6OSbUwE

The words that have stuck out to me are these: 

Finally ready now

To close my eyes and just believe

That you won’t lead me where you don’t go

 

I’m finally ready now to take my eyes of ME and BELIEVE that He won’t lead me where he doesn’t go. A week or two ago, I was questioning this. We have nothing to gain from taking these kids—it only makes our life harder & I don’t understand. Sometimes (most times) don’t want to do it either. I want to be selfish & four kids is hard. But….I’m finally ready now…. 

 

Then these words wreck me: 

When my faith gets tired and hope seems lost…you spin me round and round and remind me of that song, the one you wrote for me and we dance. 

He is with me. He is walking with me as he leads us into the hard places. He doesn’t say: “Say yes to me only if the yes is pretty and neatly wrapped in a package.” He says, “Say yes to what I ask.” Period.

Then comes the anchor for my heart: 

And I will lock eyes with the one who‘s ransomed me

The one who gave me JOY for mourning… (weeping)

I will lock eyes with the one who’s chosen me

The one who set my feet to dancing.

Its nice to know I’m not alone, I’ve found my home here in your arms. I can’t imagine doing life without my Jesus. I can’t imagine not having him to anchor my soul and steady me. When my faith gets tired and my hope seems lost, He is still with me, dancing, leading, guiding. Fighting for me AND these kids. 

I’ve have been an adamant believer that life is a bunch of seasons. People come and go, friendships morph, life changes…..always….and now, this is a new season for me and my family. Be it only for four more months or a lifetime; I’m finally ready now to close my eyes and believe that He will not lead me where he doesn’t go. 

And I could not be more thankful for that.

Good vs Warrior

Are you a good servant 

Or are you a warrior servant? 

I have no clue where I took these notes from....I know they did not come from me though. So I am sorry I'm not giving credit to where credit is due because I have no clue what I took these from.

Let me start over. 

Hello. It's been a while, yes. Our family finds us in another situation of saying yes & the yes again, is very very hard. After the 28th I can give more details of what I'm talking about, but for now....the place I find myself in again is stressed to the max. I stand before two paths and I have no clue which one we will be on in one weeks time. One could be rocky with a lot of speed bumps and feelings of being out of control but with more free time to navigate the bumps, and the other one could be "back to normal" smooth with me feeling under control, able to actually navigate the daily life. 

Both paths have their challenges. Both paths have pros and cons. Both come with choosing so say yes daily and both ask the question....

Are you a good servant or are you a warrior servant? 

You see, there is no fuel in just being a good servant. The reason that is, is because....

-there is no threat in just being good

-enemy wants us to stay as good servants

-we become just a volunteer 

-it's super easy to quit when it's hard

-you become easily burnt out

BUT when we serve as a warrior, there is power and change that happens. When we serve as a warrior:

-character builds

-we tap into God's power

-we can change a generation

-we become spiritual warriors

-there is movement

-we see life change

-sacrifice 

-deep relationship with God

-requires dependance

-your fire is fueled when you are a warrior servant; it doesn't drain you 

-Our life is about His purpose not ours.

Did you catch that last line (Janna!?). It's about HIS purpose not OURS. 

This past six weeks I had every intention to serve like a warrior, and there have been times for sure that I have. But lately my service turned into just being a good servant. Where was the switch? Being tired? Selfish? Feeling like its too much? Yep, yep, and yep. 

The thing I've been noticing is that there is something much bigger than what our human eyes can see or even understand at times. The enemy wants to keep us "good." There is no threat in good. If we took a step back and remembered and realized we are in a spiritual battle for the hearts and lives of people who don't know Jesus I think our service would be less about being good and more about being a warrior. One that is dependent fully on the Word and using it as a sword to defend and defeat. To serve with a purpose and a mission on our minds, always. 

Time is so short. You have no clue how long you are going to be in the season you are in, and to waste the days just being a good servant would be a tragedy. I don't know about you, but I may only have a week left in this current season I'm in or it may be a new season forever for our family, but for now I am going to refocus and remember to serve like a warrior. So that! HIS purpose is laid out, not mine. 

Hard to do when you average 5 1/2 hours of sleep, but I'm going to do my best! :)