Loved Enough...

So you know that love word is tricky. There is so much to that word, yet it gets thrown around so easily. By me. By you. By everyone. I wish I understood the gravity of that word every time I used it. I don't think I'd use it as much if I did. But you know what is funny, is that, there is so much emotion behind it, and so many things to that tiny little word, that I don't even think i fully understand. I know that there are days where I don't feel it enough. I can be standing in a room full of people who truly do care about me and my well being. And as I stand there in that room, something inside me is screaming to be heard. Why do I feel so lonely sometimes? I feel like no one out there loves me. I mean I 'know' people 'love' me...but why doesn't it feel like it? Why can I be standing in a room with a ton of people and feel the lonliest I've felt in a really long time? Why can't I fully feel 'LOVED ENOUGH?" There are things I search for that, in my head, I justify by saying...if I only had that I'd be loved enough. Or if I was like them, or looked like them, then I'd feel loved enough. If I can just make it to that next level I'll finally feel loved enough. There is always that thing that I look to, to feel loved enough with. I just wonder if there is a time, a place of existence that allows you to feel loved completely? Is there a way to live that every second of everyday? How can you feel that feeling All the time. No doubt. No loneliness. Nothing but love and feeling loved.
I know my God loves me enough, but I just wonder how to feel that ALL the time. How do you create a place where you are loved enough all of the time? Is it possible?

"Sweep me Away...."

 

Invade.

Invade: Lyrics by Watermark

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only one

Chorus:
Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...
Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade...

Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You
Bring Your spirit throught
As we fill these walls with Your praise

Chorus

Bridge:
I call for angels
I call for mercy
I call for freedom
In the name of Jesus
In the name of Jesus

________________________________________________________

I am moved by music. I am changed by the words. This is just another example of music that has spoken to my heart and say the words that I want to express with out knowing how.

Hurt.

Why does hurt, hurt when its only an emotion?
Why can you feel hurt deep into your soul?
Why do hurt people, hurt people?
Why is it that when you've been hurt, you live through the filter of trying to not get hurt again?
Why do you remember hurt?
Why do people hurt people daily?
Why does hurt have different levels?
Why can you remember certain hurts but not others?
Why can't you forget hurt after forgivness?
Why does hurt make you feel so bad about yourself?
Why does it hurt more when you are the one who hurt someone?
Why does hurt bring you to your very end?
Why is it the one emotion I would love to do with out?
Why do some hurt more than others?
Why would someone want to intentionally hurt someone?
Why is it when you are around certain people all they do is hurt you?
Why do words hurt the most?
Why is it we can hurt someone accidently?
Why is it that we can make someone hurt by who we are?
Why when you are hurt, does every part of you hurt too?
Why won't victoms of hurt, help hurt people all the time?
Why are we afraid to get hurt?
Why does hurt bring up so much baggage with it?

Why does hurt shape who you become?

Define me.

"Mirror" By: Barlow Girl

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me
__________________________________________

So isn't it true that most girls live by this standard? And why wouldn't they? Its everywhere. It surrounds us, it consumes us, its in the movies, on the T.V., its in our speach, its in our songs, its how we're judged, its how we judge ourselves, its how we gauge if we're healthy or not, its in our magaizines, its pretty much in our face every where we turn.
BUT.
It doesn't DEFINE us.
It doesn't have to that is.
This is an area that really resonates with me. All my life, all the way back to elementary school, I've been defined by the 'mirror'. I was defined people who said I wasn't good enough, or believing their lies that I didn't measure up, or comparing myself to all my other friends who by societies standards were 'acceptable'.

Life.

Today was one of those days where you would have been better off staying in the bed. You know those days where you wake up and nothing goes right. You sleep through the alarm, late to work, boss has demands, stresses from dealing with humans in general!, mistakes needing fixed, car trouble, car trouble, car trouble, deadlines, things needing to be done at home, a mountain of laundry screaming your name, commmitments you've made, but are having a hard time keeping, people wanting to hang out, but you are so drained you can't think straight, family stresses, dealing with people you've offended because you've been so stressed out you've left a nasty line of offened people in the wake.......and the list goes on and on.....and all in one day.
*sigh*
This empty room feels nice. No noise. No lights. Just a bed with me in it. And a computer to escape into. This is where the day started and where the day will end. Yet somehow the voices, noises, moments, stresses all seem to be still shouting in my head. *slow down*
quiet.
deep breath.
relax.
noise drowning out.
calm in the midst of a storm. Thats what I cling to. Thats what gets me through the 100mph days. That calm that centers me. The voice that shouts louder than all the others. The quite strenght that slows me down.
This is where I want to be.
Life. Isn't what I thought it would be.

Wholly Surrendered

Wholly surrendered is a phrase I heard in a song....by Jeremy Riddle. The lyrics actually changed my life....completely.
Let me share them with you:

Jeremy Riddle - Sweetly Broken
To the cross I look, to the cross I cling
Of its suffering I do drink
Of its work I do sing

For on it my Savior both bruised and crushed
Showed that God is love
And God is just

Chorus:
At the cross You beckon me
You draw me gently to my knees, and I am
Lost for words, so lost in love,
I’m sweetly broken, wholly surrendered

What a priceless gift, undeserved life
Have I been given
Through Christ crucified

You’ve called me out of death
You’ve called me into life
And I was under Your wrath
Now through the cross I’m reconciled

Chorus:

In awe of the cross I must confess
How wondrous Your redeeming love and
How great is Your faithfulness

I wouldn't say I have always been here....in this 'sweetly broken' state. Nor have I ever imagined I'd be content in a 'sweetly broken' state.....I mean really...when you think of 'sweetly broken'??? it just doesn't make sense, you know? I know in my own life, when something is 'broken' its not usable, it broke, you don't want it...and there is surly nothing 'sweet' about it.
This song has grown to be a lesson I've been learning for the past 2 years. A life change I've tried to live. A new way to do this thing, to remain in a state of brokenness, and becoming wholly surrendered, is not an easy thing. And I'm not saying I've arrived, because Lord knows, this life is still as rough as the rock needing to be chipped away!
But to the cross I look, and to the cross I cling has been aim. The Lord has brought me to my knees these last two years, in what has seemed like every area of this little life I lead. I have been shook to the core, wounds have been torn wide open, a paradiam has shifted, once what I thought was gain, really is now a loss, a heart has been crushed, friends have come and gone, loss of family, a heart changing from the inside out, values being challenged, faith tested, loyalty tested, one thing after another tested and broken.
As I look back, I realize, I was being drawn to my knees, which left me at a loss for words, and so lost in love, sweetly broken, and wholly surrendered.
To truly understand those words, to drink them in, and let them pour into your heart and soul, to hang on every word as if it were straight from your heart, and to grasp the true meaning of them, one could not relate if having not been there, and gone through it, or is going through it.
That is where I feel like I am at right now, and have been for quite some time. I feel like its been a place of brokenness, surrender, dying to self, renewing, refreshing, challenging, hurting......loosing it all for the sake of Christ.

So why this blog? Why post these things? Well for an outlet, I'd say. And for some ounce of hope that my musings and daily struggles and life written down, would be used to encourage or push some one toward the light. And may your life become one that is sweetly broken and wholly surrendered.
Until the next time.....