Reality has hit

I have been doing really well on my emotional state these past few weeks. Just really embracing the adoption & running full blast into it. No looking back, no inhibitions, just all in, and its been so fun. I have been having a great time pulling out tiny baby shoes, and decorating the room, rearranging to fit another girl in it. Just preparing my heart to love another one, and do the best to help Ella not be blindsided when Alivia does come home. So all in all its been great! Things have been going so well…..but just like on a rollercoaster, after you go up, you must come down….I am coming down. The reality of the situation is blaring straight in my face.

The reality of the fact that Leighanne has to sign paper work making it legal for us to take Alivia home from the hospital happened yesterday. The reality of the fact that she has to talk to her counselor today about this whole situation, is setting in. The reality of the fact that she is having a rough day today because of these things, is setting in. The reality of the fact that we could do all this planning & preparing….naming…and baby Liv might NOT come home with us….is setting in. The reality of the fact that I have to watch my now friend go through one of the hardest things she’ll probably EVER do & know that I am the one who gets to reap the benefits, is setting in & rips my heart just straight out.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how not to be a basket case through this. I don’t know how I will navigate through this if it doesn’t work out either. Its such a weird, odd situation to be in an open adoption. I think sometimes open adoptions are, or seem to be a lot harder than a closed one would be. With a closed adoption, you don’t get to know the birth Mother or Father. You don't start to truly care for them or wish the best for them, or hope that things work out for them & hope they succeed in their life…. but then at the end of the day, you want their baby to come home with you!?!? It makes no sense. It just is really crazy & extremely difficult & I’m really, really trying to find the beauty in all this. I know there is beauty in this…I see how God has set things up, and I see how He has answered things, down to the details. I see that….so I do see the beauty in it….but man…. it’s such a mixed feeling as an adoptive Mother, you feel an immense amount of joy that God chose you for this child, but then you’re truly heartbroken that that the birth mother has to go through this pain.

I asked my friend who has adopted before how to do this. How do you get through this? Her suggestions really helped…she said, “It helped me when I tried to not think about “D DAY”. I just tried to take it a day at a time, and when things got sticky at times, we just kept plugging along. And you know what? If something happens and she doesn’t come home with you… it’s ok to grieve. I had a lot of fear that I would never actually get to keep my babies. But God strengthened us as we walked it out. He helped us just be able to focus on the day. Every step that I got invited into being my kids’ mom, I was blown away. I never thought they’d actually work out. So I look back and go “God really?!” YOU DID THIS!”

So for today….that’s what I’ll do. I’m going to get through today. One step at a time….just going to keep on moving & plugging along. I don’t need to worry about the “what if”, I don’t need to worry about, how to do this….just one day at a time. One brown bag, to breathe into so I don’t hyperventilate, at a time…He WILL bring me through this…and I WILL be able to say….or I WILL choose to say, “This was a beautiful process because my God was in control of it.”