Oceans

I was at a women's leader retreat this weekend and we sang the Song Oceans by Hillsong United, and I can not get this song out of my mind. These lyrics are just almost haunting me...replaying over and over in my head.... 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Lead me where my trust is without borders....
I think about how hard it is to fully trust. Sure you give people small amounts of your trust, but there are always walls up with it right? Maybe that's just me. :) But you know what I mean....there are very FEW people I trust without borders in my life. Just open air nothing but just pure trust, I always tend to stay a little guarded. So to trust without borders...phew that's a huge amount of trust. 

Let me walk upon the waters....
I think about Peter & how Jesus called him out upon the water....can you imagine if that were you? If that were me...oh my word....just the amount of fear number one that abounds, then the amount of trust to actually put your foot over the side of the boat to start to walk on it??? Um....that again, is a huge amount of trust. 

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander...
This is a scary one too because its kind of left wide open. Like what does this even mean? Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander? So ok if I went literal...going deep into something...I think about a cave. Um no thanks. Its dark and scary. It is a tight confined space. There are bugs, there are bats, there is the unknown. My feet don't wander anywhere there isn't a path that I can see. 

So I think about those three things, lead me where my trust is without borders, walk upon the waters, deeper than my feet could ever wander, and then the point of it all....so that...

My faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior....
And then I want that. 
It calls me, it hits me, and haunts me. I want to have faith that is so strong in the presence of my Savior. I want to know Him deeply, so deep that my trust has no borders with Him-->ever. That if he says come walk on the water I say, "OK, I'm coming!" with no hesitation. And if he wants to take me deeper into dark scary places, the unknown, the deep gross mess of life with others...I say, "Yes Lord, I will go." 

Then it overwhelms me. I get scared, and want to pull back and just say ok slow it down here a minute this is out of my control and I am feeling uneasy...then these lyrics...

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

His grace abounds in deepest waters. Grace is unmerited favor. His grace abounds when I'm standing out there on the water, and I am trusting without borders; wide open and vulnerable.  His sovereign hand is my guide leading me...and then where my feet may fall and fear surrounds, because with me these two things are inevitable. What does it say?...

You've never failed and you won't start now. 
Amazing. 

He has never failed me. Ever. He hasn't. I look back over my life and if I try to think up areas where He has failed me, I can't think of one. His plan doesn't always look like mine, but that is not Him failing me. 
So then why is it so hard still to trust without borders, walk upon the water, and go deeper than my feet could ever wander? 

And then I want it again, and pray:  
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior ♥ 

Drew

You know how you know, you know, you KNOW you are supposed to be some where? That is how I feel in youth ministry. I know that I know that I know I am supposed to be serving in that ministry for this season. I am not sure how long I am going to be there, or what the next thing for me is. Perhaps it will always be serving with the youth, but I know I'm supposed to serve in there.
About 4 years ago I was serving in there to come alongside my friend Avery. I felt I was to give 110% to her. To pour fully into her and just focus on her. Just one girl, and I did. I met others along the way that I became close to as well, but Avery was the reason for getting me through those doors.
Life takes unexpected turns sometimes, and as I was sitting at Avery's funeral last year, the Lord very boldly told me to go back to the youth room & pour into those girls with that same grief that griped my heart. With the same urgency I felt when I sat there & didn't know the outcome of Avery's eternity. With the same passion for her little life that was so broken. I was to take that  weight, that urgency, that passion to the girls who were in the youth room now & bring them Made for More. Show them they are made for more than this world offers. They are made for more than the lies we believe about ourselves. They are made for more that what society tells us we are. We are made for more because HE made us for more.
So I went. I have been there for 8 months so far and I can honestly tell you I have never been so sure of something ever. The thing I'm sure of is he wants to use me. It has nothing to do with "me" either. There is nothing special about "me." The journey he has brought me on has shaped who I am, and I am who I am ONLY because of Christ in me. If "Janna" was to come offer herself, it would not be pretty. She is selfish, and temperamental, and negative in nature. That is what "I" have to offer.
So how do I know He wants to use me?
Yesterday I saw one of my girls Drew that I hadn't seen all summer. I met her the beginning of summer & she was sitting alone. I was drawn to her for some reason. There was just something about her......so I went up to talk to her. Come to find out, she just comes on her own to church. Her parents don't come, but she does. I am always SO impressed by that! When a young teen will come to church with no parental influence at all...that's just impressive to me!
Well that day we talked, and found out she didn't have a relationship with Christ & didn't really want one. I respected her honesty, and I got her number & she left. Little did I know it would be 2 months before I saw her again. I couldn't shake thinking about her. As the months passed I wondered if she would ever come back. Then! Yesterday she walked in the room and ONLY by the grace of God did I recognize her & even remember her NAME! that was HUGE, and again, only God.
So I hugged her and welcomed her back! I was so excited to see her, truly! We sat down, and as I chatted for a minute with her I felt there was something she wanted to talk about, but we had to stop talking as the service was starting. During the service the Holy Spirit said to me, "Do not let her leave before you talk to her. Do not let her leave." So I was like.....um ok!?
The service ended & she was about to get up to leave when, it was as if the Holy Spirit Himself started talking through Virginia, she said there were too many people in the atrium & asked if we would stay in the room until the big service let out so there wouldn't be this huge amount of kids surrounding the overflow area. Phew! Yes! thank you Lord for helping me keep her there!
So I asked her if we could talk for a minute. We did and long story short, I got to use my life example of surrendering my "right" to have children over to God, and once I did, He built our family the way He wanted to. Which was really cool because when you are going through heartbreak like that its hard to imagine God will use that later in life to help someone, but he always does, doesn't He? It was the surrender part that she needed to see, and from that point on she wanted to step into a relationship with him!!!
Oh man I can't tell you! ISN'T GOD SOOOO COOL!!! I mean honestly!! WOW wow WOW!!!! I am just blown away that in the past 3 months he is allowing me to get to be apart of His huge story! I am so excited to walk with these girls through this, and get to show them what true freedom in Christ looks like! Ahhh! I can't WAIT! Thank you thank you Lord, for letting me be apart of this! Only YOU draw hearts to you. (Romans 1:6).
So if you read this, and you know Jesus, please pray for my friends Tori & Drew. They need it right now! To HIM be the glory, always!!! xoxo

Discovery!

I had an ah-ha moment yesterday!!
Let me back up....I've been...kind of really having some rough months lately. Just super stressed, things at work aren't going "perfect" like they normally do...you know what i mean, there is just some disharmony which leads to really stressful work environments at times...so there is that. Then there is my little three year old that is doing all the normal things a three year old does, and is right on track developmentally and right on track with testing the limits. Phew. oh.oh. my yes. So needless to say its been supppper stressful at times in my world.
Any who....my point is yesterday we took an afternoon and had a family day at the lake. Super thankful and grateful for our friends, who love and trust us enough to go take their boat out. it is a huge blessing, and came at just the right time because of the stress & Jeremy left today for a conference. So...all that to say, as we got to a little cove at the lake to park and go swim, I was laying on the back of the boat while my husband is in the water with our girls. As I sat there I did something I have not done in quiet some time, I laid on my stomach and took a deep inhale, then exhaled, and just laid there. Basking in the sunshine, just listening to the water, just sitting, just being. It was magical. Truly. Then it hit me!!
Backing up to the first paragraph I haven't really been able to pinpoint why I've been carrying so much stress in my back, and why I've just been on edge....besides the obvious I knew it was something deeper than that.
So as I'm laying there taking my deep breaths, it hit me....I am always "on." Now what does always on mean you ask? I explain it like this, my husband and friend tell me all the time when they are communicating in front of a large group of people, they are "on" meaning they are giving 110% of all of them to pour out the words they feel like Jesus has told them to tell the people listening. So it takes a lot of themselves to do this, thus when they get home they just crash and veg out on the couch because they  have given so much of themselves that day.
As I was thinking on the back of that boat with the warm sun, and the long inhales & exhales, I realized the reason I've been so stressed is because I dont' get time to be "off." I wake up at 4:00 everyday and read the word, and pick up the house from the night before & get a lunch together. Then I'm getting ready, and I head into work for anywhere to 4-6 hours depending on the day. Then I come  home, and any mom of a 1 & 3 year old, or any of you who have family with kids this age, or anyone who has ever babysat this age KNOWs you have to be constantly "on." There is no, laying on the back of a boat catching sun, and taking deep breaths. You are go go go, do do do, feed feed feed, be be be for them. For you pessimists reading this...that was not a complaint, it was a fact. That is just how it is...its busy. Then during nap time, its clean clean clean, prep prep prep for dinner, then if you are lucky and the kids sleep long you have time to drink a cup of coffee before they wake up. hahah Then its back to being on again until they go to bed anywhere from 8-9pm. Then that is the last hour of the day to where you really just want to conk out and not do anything, but then there is the other little thing in your life....your hubby. Who you haven't really seen all day & wants some of you too. Then on the other nights of the week, if you serve anywhere you know that there are things to do and people to meet with at night too, again, being "on"....ALL REALLY really REALLY good things I'm telling you. Please I beg please don't hear this as a complaining post because I am so thankful for what I get to do, so beyond thankful for the life I do have, & the freedom to be with my kids is awesome.
I just had a discovery....I do not have an "off" time unless I am sleeping.....which is not truly "off" it just is a necessity.
So ALLLLL that to say....I had a discovery laying on the back of that boat yesterday, soaking up the rays, inhaling & exhaling....I need some "off" time. I have no clue how I'm going to get it, or where I'm going to fit it in, but I know I need it!! haha
My family and friends need me to have it, lets just put it that way!! ;)

It was a good weekend!

First I need to say a Happy Birthday to my Alivia Peyton who turned one on July 29th, and I'm a mom of two girls now and rarely turn on my computer and don't want to blog from my phone....so now after all the excuse of why I'm just now getting to saying this on my blog.....Happy Birthday to my sweet sweet God given gift, Alivia. You bring SO much joy and happiness to our lives & you were for sure hand picked by the creator for our family & we love you SOOOOO much!!!

Its been a while needless to say, and I am sad I don't open my computer more, but glad too because its filled with other things, good sweet things, that I deeply prayed for. But the times I do sit down and type out a blog, I am also thankful for as well because that means there is quiet in my house. I can sit. I can take a deep breath, and be still. Oh so good that stillness is. I've been in a time here recently where life is a little tricky. It feels like it spins and it spins and the more the days come, the faster they start spinning and next thing you know you are in month EIGHT of a year that just started. Nuts.
As most of you know, the two that read this! hehe I started serving with the youth again back in January. Really really felt like I needed to start serving again, and the only place I had a peace about going was into the youth room. With this new tricky quickly spinning life/season I'm in though, serving in a such a high capacity area, also gets tricky. Youth ministry doesn't just happen on a Sunday. Its all throughout the week, its calling, its texting, it spending time, its investing. Its a lot, if you are going to do it well. So with that said, with kids youth ministry doesn't always work because you have to...tend to your little kids. They need you! You can't just say ok I'm going to have coffee with a student, peace I'm out. Then when these little ones get sick, which is OFTEN, you can't just stick them in their classrooms on a Sunday & say ok I'm going to serve keep my sick child. Doesn't work that way. So then with just these two little things the enemy is just so so crafty in placing all these lies in my head. They sound like this:
"Why are you even serving in youth ministry? You are always missing something because of your kids." "Why are you serving in this ministry? You aren't effective." "Why are you even trying to make this work? You can't make some of the leader meetings, why are you even trying." "Why are you serving in this ministry? You aren't making a bit of difference."
And so go the lies.
Thankfully my sweet Jesus taught me about Made for More before these lies started. I know that they are just in fact lies, and they get bigger when they are kept in isolation. So I've tried hard to be open and communicate with my other leaders when I'm feeling this way so they can pray for me when these attacks come. Which has helped immensely! Thank you Lord.
So then we get to today.
Today in service Lee talked about the facts around Jesus and the crucifixion and proving that it is true....giving the kids the freedom to choose to believe or not. In all of his graciousness he allowed me to sit by Tori, and he allowed me to see the angst in her heart, and he gave me boldness enough to ask her questions & press in....resulting in a life that surrendered right there in service to our Jesus!!! Oh how thrilling!!!! I take no credit for this either. It was all him moving and giving me the words to say to her, and SHE chose Him, and He chose her!!! I can't wait to start walking this road with her, and pouring into her! God is so good, and just confirmed in my heart that, yes the lies will still come. They will come back for me again, I have no doubt, BUT I am there serving in this ministry for a reason & a purpose & its to be his hands and feet to broken teens who are in desperate need of a savior! Lead on Lord, lead on!!! <3 nbsp="">