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Well hey there...it has been a hot minute since I have visited this space! Shew. Reading through these old posts feels like a walk down memory lane of a life that was lived long ago. Its as if  I'm walking into a room I once knew. I gaze and see the leather bound book, holding the story of my life, lying on the table. Getting a closer view, I step in to open its web filled case; blowing off the dust as I enter in. Its familiar,  homey and I'm feeling all kinds of nostalgia as I survey posts from the past. 

Its been 2 years and 4 months since this creative outlet has received the poetic cries of my heart. For some reason I turned by back on this space...life just got too hard and I chose to close the door.. I am not sure how this revisit will go; tossing around the thoughts of: will it ignite a desire for the narrative to begin again or has the yearning all been used up? 

I am not sure yet...time will tell as it always does. 

Footing

A week or so ago I went to a leadership conference called Catalyst. This has been a conference that has shaped me and my husband’s leadership and obedience in following Christ. This was year 14 that we have attended and as you can surmise, it has been very pivotal in our lives. This year was no different. There were a lot of “gold nuggets” I will carry with me from this year. All of the talks spoke directly to my heart, but there was one talk that stood out the most to me. It was the first talk, given by Andy Stanley.  The passage of scripture he was talking about was Matthew 6:24-34, and he specifically narrowed in on v. 33 “But seek first His kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” He went on to explain that the above verses on don’t serve two masters, and on worry, and things that don’t matter aren’t possible until you SEEK HIM FIRST…because if we seek God first, as our master of our lives, all the other things will just fall into place….and what I realized was this…..

I have been trying to articulate it like this—when I was at the beach a few weeks ago, I got caught in a wave that kept spinning me around and around. I could not find my footing! I was started to get really scared because my air was running out and so quickly in my mind I said “LORD HELP!” Immediately I found my footing! Wouldn’t you know, when I stood up I was standing in thigh high water, that is it…….God  used this picture to show me this is how I have been feeling for a while now.

A quick back story, there were some pretty significant things that have happened in my life this past year & ½. Including some roles I was playing that ended abruptly. Not in a bad way, just a change of direction, but what that change did was….it left me feeling like I was at the beach; caught up in a wave that is just tossing me around and around and around. It has been disorienting, I have felt lost and I have felt confused. I have lost stability in certain friendships, (purely due to season of life) but life has just felt so up in the air I haven’t been able to find my footing.

Then what God showed me through Andy’s talk was a “find my footing” moment. This moment happened when I realized that haven’t found my footing in life again because I have stopped asking for His help. I have felt so lost, confused, unsure and just like what the heck am I doing on this planet---that I stopped asking God for help.

He showed me that I haven’t found my footing because I haven’t been seeking Him first. I’ve been too afraid to be rejected or too afraid that he would lead me to something just to take it away again. So I just allowed the waves of life to put me into a spin cycle. Cycling around and around again for the past year and ½.

What a sad life. I mean seriously. The only reason I haven’t found my footing again is because I haven’t asked him for it? Oh foolish Israelite am I.

SO I am asking for footing again. I am in my closet (literally) asking him to show me what he has for me. If the answer is to keep doing I’ve been doing, then I will ask, “Ok God, how can I do it with 100% effort and zeal that you ask me to” ---and I will search how to not get complacent and feel like “this is all life is.” I will choose to be content with this position in the here and now.

You see the Lord never promises that life will work out just like we hope it will. He never promises that we will always feel successful and fulfilled at all times. But what the does promise is what is found in John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

I don’t want to waste one more day spinning around in a wave. I want to seek him, remain in Him, know Him and stay close to Him, and as I do – I will bear much fruit. He says it is so.

The Crushing

Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
Ever have those seasons when you feel as if you are being crushed under the weight of a big wave? Feeling lost, spinning around, gasping for air; unsure if you will ever find your footing?  That's were I have been these past 2 years. Life has thrown some major "ocean waves" at me. To the outside eye life would seem normal and nothing that can't be "handled" on a daily basis; or so goes the assumption in my head of what an outsider sees.
To the outsider life may seem good and easy and fun. But what has been inside my world has left me grasping for air, wondering if I will ever find my footing again. Fear and the temptation to give into hurt knock at my door constantly. Wondering where I fit in because, in this current season, it has felt as if all the areas of security that I once had known, have also been shaken up and jostled by their own waves of life. Nothing stable. Nothing secure. Tossing, wrestling, spinning, creating chaos has been the anthem for these past 18 months. This crushing has not been isolated just to me either. Its all around me.
Because of that, I am not quite sure how to find my footing again.
I am however, not lost at sea and for that I am grateful.
I am on the shore of life, in the break and wave after wave has won and rendered me useless. Only until I can stop, stay calm, and simply ask the Lord to help me find my footing again, will I truly be able to stand again.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.
To stand would mean to accept a new normal. To stand would be to say goodbye to years in the past. To stand would mean to admit defeat; to acknowledge that I have allowed these waves to crush me. One by one, over and over, they came. I wasn't aware of the spin cycle they threw me in to, but now I see it.
To stop spinning would mean bravery for a new beginning.
Oh that I would be brave enough to stand.

Good Stuff

If a public figure could be a mentor to me, I have 2. Dr. Leaf is one of them! This article is so very good and I just had to share!

Our differences do not need to divide us. Regardless of what other people believe, do, or say, we can respond in love. Indeed, we can’t control people, but we can control how we react to people. 

Read article here:
https://drleaf.com/blog/lets-talk-about-politics/?utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Lets%20Talk%20About%20Politics&utm_content=Lets%20Talk%20About%20Politics+CID_5944f7fd9412d5bcd87128651415a6f2&utm_source=Email%20Blast&utm_term=READ%20ARTICLE

New Season

If you would have asked me back in June what I was going to be doing on Tuesday Aug 14th with BOTH kids in school, my response was a resounding, “Find a field of flowers then run & twirl in it!” And I meant it! 

These past 6 years have come with so much joy but man, also so much work!! Every mom knows the first 5 years of a kids life take endurance and definitely are not for the faint of heart. They take patience and strength and hopefully each of us endure them with great fortitude. 

But as I sit here with many afternoons before me absent of kids....honestly, running in a field is the last thing I want to do. 

I absolutely love watching my kids grow and am SO excited for this new season for them (and me).....tomorrow I will stand back up but for today...I am going to sit and let the tears fall; embracing this little twinge of pain in my heart as I grieve (yet rejoice) this mountaintop view I face with this closing chapter. Here is to a new season.....💕

Lessons from SOTR

Well its been a few weeks, but….I DID IT!!! I completed my first century, a very very intense century I might add! It was 8,655 feet of elevation, and I felt every foot of it! Without being dramatic, it was the hardest thing I have ever done, truly! We have talked to a lot of people who have completed this specific century (100 miles of cycling) and the look I get over and over with the words following are, “Wow you completed that?!” No small feat at all. 

I think for me, the physical side of this ride wasn’t the biggest accomplishment for me; it was the mental accomplishment of this ride that I am the proudest of. This ride required me to dig into a place in my mind that I have never tapped into before. I had to get to the point where—even if I was alone doing this ride, this was something I wanted to accomplish—and I did it! I pushed past the spaces in my mind that lie to me and say “I can’t,” and I said back to them “YES you CAN!” and I did. 

For me I fully believe outside of the love and support from my family and friends I would not have been able to complete this ride. There were so many spiritual aspects and parallels that happened on this ride for me as well. 

The first being, we were never meant to journey life alone. We weren’t. God has created us to be communal beings and I think one of the biggest traps of the enemy is tricking us into believing that we can run this course of life alone, or that it is better to run life alone. Its not. Running alone keeps us isolated and weak. 
I saw this on this ride. Within 10miles of the ride my husband and I picked up a lone straggler who was riding alone and we all chose to ride together. When one was slower the other 2 waited, when one had a problem with their bike, we all waited, when we rode faster, we rode faster together. We gained strength from one another. Life is better together. 

The second thing I saw on this ride is that life—while we were meant to journey together—we don’t always keep the same people on the course with us the whole time. 
Life has seasons; people come in and they come out. 
I saw this example on the ride as well. There is a section of this ride that is the steepest part of the climb. Its called Thunder Ridge and it is on the Blue Ridge Parkway. It is 13miles of uphill….elevation totaling 3,700 feet by the time you get to the top. It is an intense hour and a ½ of straight climbing, and it is hard!! 
But what I saw on this section of the ride was this…..we were all struggling together! We all were in pain, together! 

There were times when riders would come up alongside you for a few miles and just chat, and then they would be off. There were times on the climb you would need to pass someone because they weren’t keeping the pace you needed to keep, so you climbed on ahead. There were times where you would need to pick a rider to focus on because their cadence was faster than yours so it took your mind off the pain for a little bit. Then there were the ones that were ahead of you a little ways and you would have to focus on them knowing once you got to where they were there was only a little bit left.  
And finally, in these seasons of life, there are going to those that come alongside of you to encourage you and the very moment you need it most. 

This is so indicative of how life really is. It is so important to recognize that the seasons in your life don’t last forever. Sure, there are going to be those that run hard alongside us for our lifetime, but there are going to be some seasons that we run with others that don’t last as long, so make the most of them, and take no day for granted.  

So I guess my question to you is, are you running life alone? Life is meant to be lived together so if you are; take a risk and find a community, commit to it, and refuse to run alone. You won’t regret it.

SOTR 2018

SOTR 2018

For those of you who don’t know, one huge milestone in a cyclist’s life is to complete your first century. That is, riding 100 miles in one day…..I will attempt this in a ride called SOTR (Storming of Thunder Ridge). It is a big ride that happens in my town each May. I signed up for this with a friend who asked me to do it with her to complete this “impossible” goal. And as I do; I wrangled another friend in as well as my husband. After all, if I’m going down, they are coming with me. 

As time as past, I have been training really hard for this, and one by one the friends I was doing this ride with have had to back out due to injuries. I am a “do with” type person. I don’t like “do alone” activities often. I like my alone time for about an hour a day and then I’m good. I like to be with others and accomplish things together. So the thought of them not riding this ride with me sent me into a defeated mental state. So I was faced with the question: “Why am I doing this ride??”

So I made a “why I would do it” and a “why I wouldn’t do it” list….then I met with my nutritionist and I talked with her about this whole thing; the possibility of being faced with riding it alone. She gave me a really good filter. 

She said, “If that day came and went would you have regrets about not doing it?” The more I think about it the more I know I would regret not doing it. I have been training for this, and then to just not do it…doesn’t sit well with my soul. 

As I looked over my lists the reasons on my “why I wouldn’t do it” list are all fear driven….I would totally have a huge regret about it if I went into age 40 knowing I trained for this and then gave up. I’d be so disappointed in myself that I let fear control me yet again. 

And as she was talking to me, the tears were streaming down my face, I couldn’t control it. This whole thing is so indicative of my whole life. I push and I can challenge myself to a point, but then when life gets to a place that I deem “too hard” I quit. I give up. I see it all over my life. 

 My life has been controlled by fear. I have mental toughness to an extent but when it is time for the point where I need to have a mental break through I give up. 

And why? Because I’m afraid.

I’m afraid to do this ride alone….so then I asked myself another question, “Why?? Why are you so afraid?! “

And the reason is because I’m afraid of this ride being too hard. It is 100 miles WITH 9200 FEET of elevation!!! That is more than I have ever done by 6000 feet! I’m also afraid of failing and not being able to finish it, I’m afraid of it being too hot, I’m afraid of slowing my husband down, I’m afraid of it all……..and this is the pattern in my life. When it gets too hard or I push to the point where there may be some actual true breakthrough---I give up. I sabotage and I walk away. I stay in my ‘safe place’ of “good enough” instead of allowing God to truly take me into the unknown with him. 

I honestly am wondering if God is intentionally stripping people way so I can’t lean on anyone but him for this. This will be the hardest thing physically yet, but the hardest thing mentally I have ever done….and the thought of that terrifies me. 

Ultimately, If I looked down past my life and I did give up and I didn’t do SOTR I would regret it, and I would know that the reason I quit is purely because mentally I gave up. Because at this point that is what this is—physically I can…..its the mental part that has me believing “I can’t”.

It’s almost as if, completing this ride will be like I’m taking that little girl who is inside of me that was made fun of back in elementary school and was told lie after lie of how she wasn’t “enough” and its as if I’m saying to her, “You are not her anymore!!You don’t have to be!”  Its about changing the tape loop in my head to say “I CAN DO IT!” 
And I CAN DO IT! 

I’m doing it. 

I’m going to ride my own race, and I’m going to push my mind past what I’ve tricked myself into believing that I can’t do….and with Jesus on that bike with me—we can! 

2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says: “But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am WEAK, then I am STRONG.”

SO in my weakness I will attempt my first Century on May 20th! I’ll keep you posted!    

Long Hard Run

End of April?
2018?
Have four months really come and gone?
Well indeed they have. I knew this would be a long hard run, but I didn't really know how long and how hard it truly would be.

2018 started off with me at the start line and when the gun went off. I started in a full out sprint. And have been sprinting ever since. Over committed? Yes. I for the first time in my adult life know what it means to overcommit now. This past season has been the hardest season, and outside my relationship with Christ, I'm not sure how I am about to cross the finish line.

You see, the last half of 2017 was a very difficult year in marriage. I haven't really had a season where it was just hard. like plain hard; until then. Sure we have had our weeks when we just don't connect and things are off, but we always come back around and connect after a few days.
There was no coming back around and connecting during this time. It just felt difficult over and over, and there was no light at the end of the tunnel...that I could see at least. There were many things contributing to this lack of connection; mainly me. I say that in all sincerity too. When your mind is off and focused on toxic thinking--your life will be full of toxic thoughts.

January 2018 rolled around and I was so happy to see a new year come. "New year New you" as they say....to which my sprint started. I was in a new leadership position at my church; one I felt totally unqualified for. I was trying to lead and messing up along the way....to which that brings needing to clean up the messes that were made. Conversation after conversation. In order to connect more as a couple, I agreed to join another environment to serve with my husband in for 6 weeks. It served its purpose, connection happened, but so did exhaustion. Serving in two different relational areas is not for the faint of heart. On top of all that, I said yes to speaking at a women's conference that was supposed to happen the beginning of March. This would have been my very first big speaking event. I was a breakout speaker for this conference and I was going to be speaking on having Hope in our insecurities (a topic near and dear to my heart). The weeks leading up to this conference were filled with so much stress and sleepless nights. You see, public speaking is one of my biggest fears, if not the biggest. So there were many nights of tossing and turning knowing the day of the conference was fast approaching. You see, knowing you can trust God and ACTUALLY trusting God are two very very different things. I know that now. Well the weekend of the conference got there, and would you believe it....there was a random storm that came and knocked the power out of the church building where the conference was going to be hosted and THEY HAD TO CANCEL IT!!! Shocked??? Um yes!! Me too! I was like whaaaaaaaat?????? HOW did I get out of speaking!?!?!?!?! I thought laughingly. Then as if I smacked into a brick wall.....it hit me.....that still small voice of the Holy Spirit, "See Janna, all those weeks of fretting, stress eating, worrying, fearing......for nothing. All of it, just wasted breath for nothing."
In shock I stood there--I wasted WEEKS of my life worrying about this conference. Fretting. Fearing. Dreading. For. NOTHING. Matthew 6:25-34 is true people--worrying adds NOTHING to you life. Nothing. It was a huge marker moment for me in my life. One I will cherish forever. It is one thing to KNOW you can trust God with things in your life, but it is a totally different ball game to actually trust God with the things in your life. There is a difference, and I now know I trust him with my life.

The conference, or lack there of, came and went and I was on to the next leg of this sprint I have been on. I committed to 6 weeks of teaching a Bible Study I wrote about 8 years ago, called Made for More. As I have been venturing through these past few weeks, I realized the March conference canceling needed to happen for me to get through these past 6 weeks. I have had to trust God with all of me as I've walked out this long hard run. Its been so hard pouring out all of me in front of a group of 60 women each week. I think it might have been easier if I found some sort of joy from speaking in front of people, but it is purely an act of obedience for me; which is why I think it feels so exhausting. I am entering into the last week of teaching tomorrow, and I am glad. Not because I haven't seen God moving; in fact one lady accepted Christ as the Lord and Leader of her life during this study!! YAY!!! But I'm glad because I am ready for a season of rest. This long hard run, has well, indeed been a long hard run, and I am tired.

I fully plan on getting back to my first love, blogging more (I hope), and seeking out the next adventure the Lord has for me on the horizon. I am not quiet sure what it will be, but what I do know is that he is so worth trusting and following. So! wherever you are in your long hard run called life, I pray you are finding the beauty in the chaos as well.
Till next time! xo

Year in Review 2017

I honestly can't believe December is here and half way over no less. This has been a huge year with many different challenges, and ups and downs. But there is one challenge that sticks out more to me than the others.
For my year in review, I am grateful for the determination that I set on Jan. 1, 2016 and like most of Americans, I set to reach a specific weight loss goal--which I did NOT hit--BUT I did stay consistent all year long with eating right and exercise, and for that I am proud!

You see, I have been on a journey nearly all my life to loose weight....I would say, "I just want to be at a healthy weight" over and over. But it wasn't until 10 years ago that my focus changed. It went from "I just want to loose weight" to "How can I honor you, God, with all of me?"
As, my focus changed and I my view turned from being on a "diet" to "how can I honor you Lord with what I put in my mouth".....my attempts always seemed to fall short.
 As you know with weight loss and attempts at remaining healthy ebbs and flows; seems to me that you are either gaining or loosing.
Well last Dec (2016), I was SICK of my roller-coaster of gaining and loosing, and at that point I was up 30lbs. I was so down. So frustrated. The rollercoaster of up 30lbs, down 30lbs, up, down over and over as the cycle goes, HAD to stop!
I was determined.......through a friend, I found out that my work provides a dietician that I have FREE access to!! So I lowered my pride and went in on December 15, 2016 and cried and cried at how I was frustrated at myself for getting to the place I was AGAIN---UP 30lbs!
My dietician, turned dear friend, told me December was the worst time to try to come in and start a weight loss program, but I assured her that no, it was the best time. So I began, and I set a goal to loose 30lbs by Dec. 15,  2017.
Which I did not do....I am currently only down 22lbs, but I think the proof is in the picture.

While I did not reach my goal of loosing 30lbs, I gained so much more. I have a new perspective on health, and I gained a dear friend. She helped me see where I was blaming others for the choices I have made all my life. She believed in me, empowered me and gave me hope that I too could succeed in this journey I have failed at most my life.

More importantly, I have learned to rely on the Lord in a deeper way. I am no longer a slave to my mouth and what I put into it. Sure have there been slip ups? And will there continue to be at times? You bet ya....but as my dietician said, just get back up the next day, do not let it keep you down!!! 

 

I bought a necklace for myself yesterday and it says:

Still, I rise.

And in 2018, still I WILL rise, until my goal is met. The Lord is with me and ever so present. Its not even about the number on the scale (even though it doesn't read what I want it to at times), but what truly matters is the health of my mind, soul, and body. I feel empowered and with the Lord behind me, still, I rise.

 

Hope and pray this inspires you, sure inspires you in a way to reach the goals you too have set for yourself if you have weight loss goals, but more than anything, I pray it inspires you to seek and find the Lord in ALL areas of your life. I pray that when you read these words in 2 Corinthians 12:9, "But He said to me, "My grace IS sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" that you would gladly boast in the magnificent power of Christ in you, too! Seek and find Him, he is waiting.

 

What a work he has done! To HIM be the glory, now and into 2018 too! xoxo

 

 



Dream Big

There have been dreams and changes and life happening lately! Hence why little blog you have been neglected! I am sorry & am still here....lots to say and share....but for now I pray you are still dreaming big dreams! Till next time!  xo

Lessons

Luke 8:40-48

Our greatest need for healing is so personal and private we don’t want anyone to know.

We are as sick as our secrets.

We have a tendency to hide what needs the most healing……Because we are afraid what it will do to us socially.

Mark 5:26 if I could just touch the hem of his garment I will be made well. She was going to risk making others unclean in order to be cleaned herself. You cannot be unclean enough to mess Jesus up! SO filthy from your sin and somehow get him messed up. Jesus is clean enough for us all.

Our need for healing and wholeness is deep down in us!

Numbers 15:37-40 tassels were there to remind the men of Israel that they were holy to the Lord….it was an example of their purity before the Lord…..she reaches to that to touch!            

“Fringe/cloak” –how easy would he have been to grab on to….he made himself easy to grab…the tassel was right there, and she grabbed on to the part that proved he was clean…and instead of her making him unclean it made HER clean!

He is not hard to grab on to….he came to be touchable!  

Luke 24:38-39---touch me and see…..

Luke 7:36---he knows what kind of women we are & that is exactly who he picks out and makes himself EASY to grab on to!

You don’t have to just sit there, do you have faith enough to reach out and grab him.

Isaiah 6: he robe FILLS the temple that means there is enough garment for all of us who know they need healing!

Hebrews 10:19-23 let us draw near with our hearts sprinkled with the FULL assurance that faith brings

As long as you feel unclean you won’t experience him because you aren’t drawing near to him!

2 Peter 1:9—you do not have to cycle in and out of defeat!!

When we go back to the cycle of defeat we have forgotten what the blood at the cross did for us.

Its our faith that drove the touch that welcomed the healing!

Come full of faith that God will can and will work in your life! Grab on to his garment!!

 --------------

These were notes from a talk I heard. I just love it because Jesus made himself touchable, in the midst of a crowd of people he was still accessible and able to be touched…just a sweet moment for me right now when I kind of feel like that woman, just in a crowd (the chaos of life) all around me, loud, noise, busy…..and trying to get to Jesus by doing all I know to do (read/worship), but even in the chaos and noise, he makes a way for me to grab his tassels, and not just grab him but he NOTICES when I do…..makes me cry. He is sweet to me when I am feeling overlooked, unappreciated, and feeling low he still notices when I reach out to him…because he doesn’t change, or move…he is constantly close and he wants me to reach out and grab him. so yeah good good stuff. He is ridiculously sweet to me and I love him deeply.

Power in Weakness

2 Corinthians 12:9 has been rolling around in my head for the past several weeks. For many reasons, but the main one being--I have a lot of weaknesses, and God has given me the opportunity to press into and face these weaknesses head on. Which has been fun (sarcasm).

This verse says: "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."

My grace is sufficient....for you. I can encourage you all day long, but when it comes to believing that verse for ME...that is where I am not convinced His grace is sufficient. When I make mistakes is when this verse is the farthest thing from truth forme. For you, its absolute truth. Why is that? Why is it that I cannot get to a place where I actually believe that His grace IS sufficient for ME too? 

Maybe you're like me in this place too of wondering is His Grace sufficient for you too?

 -------------

You know what is interesting? 

I started that blog post back on March 15, 2017…..and the reason I didn’t finish it was well because I still have a hard time living out the truth that God’s grace is sufficient for me—even when I mess up. I know its for me when I am doing good, but surely its not for me when I mess up. 

Isn’t this just such backward thinking? 

I am not even in any kind of sin, but its just hard when I mess up to believe that I am extended this same grace that you would beextended, had you messed up. 

I went to a conference this weekend, and it talked a lot on Romans 12:1-2, and how in view of Gods mercy is how we are to move and operate, but we in our human-ness put our “self-lenses” on and we view ourselves through our filter and project that is how God views us too. When in reality he (if we are his child) views us through His son, Jesus. Pure and blameless before him. No matter what! 

Its such a hard concept to grasp in our human way of thinkingwhen we are such a rules based, and production driven society. I guess that is what makes Gods kingdom so backwards is that it is contrary to what this world says, and when we are fully operating out of this 2 Corinthians 12:9 mentality we will take delight in our weakness and even welcome them, because we will KNOW that in it, Christ’s power will be able to rest on us!

So to these moments of weakness, as hard and awkward as you make me feel, I welcome you. I want to see that His grace IS sufficient for me too, and that I want to see his power made perfect in my weakness. Will it be fun? Nope. Will I enjoy it? Not at all, but will his power rest on me when I boast all the more gladly about my weakness? Absolutely.

So here is to women that boast in their weakness; I hope to be at the front of the pack with you! xo

❤️❤️

I can't believe the price you paid for me, what you did not owe, so that I could know you you chose someone like me, to declare your praise

Fearless

March 20, 2015 is a day that I will never forget. It was the day I got the call from my brother that my father had passed away. You see, he had been fighting the battle of MSA for 4 years prior to the call. We knew what was imminent. There wasn’t a cure for this disease, and we knew and trusted that if God wanted my Dad home, he would take him at the right time. But you know, no matter how much you think you are prepared for something like that, you aren’t. The call was just as heartbreaking as it would have been had my dad not had a terminal illness. 

One of the hardest parts of my Dad having MSA was, for me,was the fact that I lived in Virginia and my parents lived in Colorado at the time. Because of that I was trying to book frequent flights home to visit my Dad because we knew his time was short. My flight was booked for the Tuesday AFTER he passed away.  Four days before my flight was scheduled, on a Friday, my Dad went home to be with the Lord.

I was devastated. “I was coming to see him, I was coming to see him,” was all that I could get out between my cries and grief as I was talking to my brother.

Losing a loved one is something I have never experience up until this point I life. I had no context for grief or sadness like this; until that day. What I didn’t expect to happen in the days and weeks to follow was, again, something I didn’t have much of a context for in my life; fear. 

C. S. Lewis says: “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

And boy was he right. Through this process of grief, fear grabbed ahold of me. I have never grieved the loss of someone close to me so I didn’t know what to expect when it came to the grieving process, and I certainly didn’t know that fear could or would be a part of it. 

For the next few months I found myself fearing death. Fearing the unknown…fearing the questions that, “Ok if I’m a follower of Christ and I KNOW there is a God, and my Dad knew Him…so that means he is WITH God…..so what is my Dad doing!?!? Like RIGHT NOW what is he doing??”  Those questions rolled around in my head over and over creating a snowball effect of anxiety at the fear of the unknown.

I know that the Bible describes heaven as this amazing place, but my human mind could not wrap my head around it. As I wrestled through those questions; God in all his loving kindness revealed, yet again to me, that He is trustworthy. If He can be trusted in this life, which I 100% do trust Him, then why can’t He be trusted in death too? There was no answer other than, “You can be Lord.”

So with that wrestling behind me, the fear of death subsided some, but manifested itself in other areas. You name it, I feared it. From being robbed, jumped,  shot to death, to being in a terrorist attack, attack on my kids, my husband, friends, fear of large gatherings of people, looking for the exits, what do if this, what to do if that….on and on went my mind as it was crippled by fear. There were days I was staying in my house avoiding going to events in fear that an attack would happen when I was there! When I say I was crippled by fear, that is exactly what I was; crippled. 

Our goal as followers of Jesus is: to follow Jesus example and strive to be just like Him. 

It is important to remember, and often times I think we forget, that Jesus came to earth in human form. He had all the same feelings, emotions, trials, temptations as us, yet he did not sin. Jesus is the founder and the author of our faith and this man was extraordinarily bold! He was so brave. Jesus was betrayed by one of his closest friends, he was wrongly accused, he was flogged, and on top of all of that he WILLINGLY walked to the cross. For me, for you, for all of humanity—so that, we could have a way to be in eternity with God; A sacrifice had to be made and he, in his perfection, was that sacrifice. 

I’m sorry, but that is a man who is braver that brave, and stronger than strong, and he more than proved that fear is optional. 

Can you put yourself in his shoes just for a minute…just because he was God in human form, does not mean that he didn’t feel the same things we would be feeling! Don’t think for one moment he didn’t feel the physical pain of it all too. Yet, he still willingly laid down his life as a sacrifice. Was he afraid? You bet he was, but fear was not an option for him. 

There are times when fear is going to overwhelm us so much that it cripples us, it will render us useless at times, but the key is to remember that it is optional. 

I don’t know about you, but my thoughts can go from zero to death within seconds! I will be driving along and all of a sudden I realize I am in a day dream. The day dream most times would look like this: I am standing over the casket of one of my loved ones, and I will come to and realize where my mind has wondered off to, and then I finally realized that I have played out this whole wild scenario of how this loved one passed. Sometimes I don’t like how the day dream is going so I will stop and change it around in my mind before I get out of thought.

Its crazy. My mind can get out of control. 

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 

So in those moments when your mind is getting out of control, we have to say NO to ourselves and NO to our thoughts, and say YES to Jesus instead. We have to take our thoughts captive and make it obedient to Christ. 

What this means is, just like in your relationship with Jesus there are going to be times when you have to actively deny yourself and what you are feeling in order to follow Jesus well. 

Fear has no authority over you. You allow it the space to control you or not control you. In these moments when fear is taking over and the walls are starting to close in on you, you have a choice. You can choose to submit yourself to the fear and allow it to take over and control you. OR you can choose to respond to submit Jesus’ authority and stand on His truth. 

Hebrews 11:1-2 says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.”

Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Peter, and Paul all understood this verse in a deep way. They all gave their lives to the mission of spreading the gospel! They believed what God said, because they had confidence in what they hope for, and they had assurance of what they didn’t see. 

Were there times they were filled with fear? Oh! I guarantee it! But they didn’t love their lives so much that they shrunk from death (Rev. 12:11). They faced it head on, they stood up to it, they pressed on, and they made a choice to respond to God and his authority rather than submit themselves to their fears. 

When you no longer dread fear, you become fearless….Jesus is our example of that and he made a choice to crush fear. He made a choice to stand firm in what he knew. Same with Paul, Peter, Timothy….in the New Testament they fixed their eyes on Jesus and they advanced the gospel with confidence. 

So to you, fellow sojourner, I submit to you that, this is our chance to take a stand advanced the gospel with confidence. We are the stewards of our faith in this generation! The gospel continues on because of our generation. As we recognize fear is not an option, and we are no longer our consumed by it….we become fearless and allow the Spirit the space to move! As we look to scripture and consider our examples that went before us; we will not grow weary or loose heart.

For me and where I currently am…has fear left totally? No it hasn’t. It is very present in the back of my mind. I have to make a conscious choice to not allow the temptation to submit to fear control me. I have to make the choice to shut thoughts of fear down daily. I have to make the choice to not entertain these run away scenarios that are conjured up in my head, and I have to allow God the space to move in my heart; which makes me become fearless.