Thankful

Merriam-Webster.com defines THANKFUL as:

Pronunciation: \ˈthaŋk-fəl\
Function: adjective
Date: before 12th century
1 : conscious of benefit received
2 : expressive of thanks
3 : well pleased : glad
— thank·ful·ness noun

__________________________________________

As I read definition 1, it really got me thinking...."Conscious of benefit received." That statement just rings so loudly to me....conscious of benefit received....How many "benefits" do I receive on a daily basis that...I'm not even conscious of?? Lets just name a few today...I woke up with two perfectly working healthy legs that walked me down to the laundry room where I was able to do my laundry with no lines. Then I was able to grind up my Starbucks coffee & make it in my coffee pot that was GIVEN to me. I was able to use my oven to cook the yummy goodness that is Cinnabun Cinnamon rolls. I was able to sit on my relatively comfortable couch & watch the MACY'Sparade on my TV,which has been an American tradition for over 75 years. Then from there I was able to prepare part of a dinner that could have fed 15 people, which only fed 6. I was able to hang out with some really good friends, and enjoy really good conversation. After a while I was able to get in our brand new car and drive our friends to a movie. I was able to come back home after I saw a really good film, that ended a really good day, & get under my really warm comforter & starting thinking about this "Thanksgiving Day."
I have so much to be THANKFUL for! I'm going to try to make it my goal to start to be conscious of the benefits I receive!
Here's to a happy, thought filled, love shared, heart warming, benefita received, Thanksgiving day!
I hope yours was as good as mine!

Fall

Today I wanted to take some time and capture some of the beauty of fall...my camera doesn't do justice to how truly amazing these colors were in person, but I wanted to post them becuase this is one of the many reasons why I love the fall!! Truly amazing!

Let freedom ring....

Those words have never rang more true to my heart than today. I've heard those words over and over and then over again, and they never really meant anything to me. Isn't it funny how words, peoples words, and peoples stories that you hear don't really ring true to your heart or hit that connection point with you, until you actually go through it yourself?
I took a step toward freedom today. Let me back up...I'm on this journey of pursuing Christ & trying to figure out what that even looks like. Last night he brought me to a conversation that was pretty hard to hear actually. It was one of calling me out of myself, and those are never fun! However, it revealed to me my need for acceptance and validation from people, from humans. I exist in this yearning, this longing, this constant state of hanging on words people say to me. I become what they think of me. Their opinion mattes most. Their responses to me can have me floored for days, wondering why they didn't call me back. Its this unhealthy need to be thought of, or considered the best. It strokes my ego. It validates me. It makes me who I am.
or does it.
See, I'm learning that in all of this, this life, this journey; its not about me. Its not about what people think of me. Its not about what they say about me, its not even about if they like me. (that one's hard to swallow.)
Its about a relationship between the Creator, and the Created. Its about hanging on every word, thought, emotion, feeling felt from and by Him. its considering His opinion ABOVE anyone Else's. Its caring about his opinion above anyone Else's. And its learning what His opinion is! See, I'm also seeing that...in order to feel validation from someone they have to know you. And you know them. if not, the level to which the words strike a cord in you has a drastic difference. And if I'm to find my validation, my self worth, my ego strokes in him, I have to know who He is & I have to let him know me. I have to let go, jump in, trust him & then Let Freedom Ring!

Creating Ishmael

Are you creating an Ishmael?

This question was posed to me tonight at Truthworks. We went over Galations 4:21 - 5:26 tonight. (I encourage you to read it, its great!) The passage of scripture is talking about Abraham & Sarah's story. And we all know the story, God promised them they would have a child & become a great nation...and when it wasn't done in their time they took matters into their own hands. So Abraham has Ishmael with Hagar the maidservant. So long story short: Hagar = Law (slavery) Sarah = Promise (Freedom).

In Galations 4:28 Paul is showing them that the scripture says to get rid of the slave woman and her son, for the slave woman will never share in the inheritance with the free womans son. And that we are not children of the slave woman but of the free woman. He continues into chapter 5 to say do not let yourselves be burdened again by the yoke of slavery.....Paul says you were running a good race, who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth? He continues to show you what living under slavery looks like and what living under Gods freedom looks like. He tells us of the fruits of the spirit. Then in Galations 5:24-26, he says that those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature (slavery) with its passions and desires (sin we fall into).

So that brings me to my life.....it got me thinking, and its true.
I created an Ishmael.

I have been living under slavery. Under the Law.
God has shown me this week that Grace is what God does for us, that we can't do for ourselves.

He also showed me in Galations that I can't make the fruit grow in me. God has to give me the fruit. If I keep on trying to grow it myself, I will keep returning to the Law.

He has shown me I need to work on creating an Isaac (letting God be in control) and stop creating Ishmael's (Things I take into my own hands).
I think the reason I stay under the law is because its familiar. I know what it looks like. I don't know what TOTAL dependence on Christ looks like. I don't. So lets say I say the words: "I surrender Lord", I have NO CLUE what that looks like. What does a surrendered life even look like? How do I lay the things I hold onto down and walk away?

How do I create an Isaac & not an Ishmael??

Perfect in Power

So there has been some time that has pasted since my last post. Time that has found me yet again in another place in my life. I have discovered a truth that has really hurt the core of who I am. My heart is far from the one thing I need and love the most. I heard recently about the idea of practical atheism. Its like I know that there is a God and I want to do the things he wants me to do, yet I don't live like there is a God. Motivations at the end of the day are about me, and what I need and what I want, what I'm entitled to. Its all just disheartening you know? There is this God who time and time again has given me the things I've asked. prove yourself I say, and he does it. Show me this one thing & I'll be yours. He does it, and yet I find my heart in a far off distant place. Practical Atheism. I'm living like he practically exists. How painful this feels. I was just broken tonight thinking about how I have done this. Over and over and over, and yet...I'm still worth something to him. My heart is so divided and not in love with Him, and I really choose to love 'sin' more than him, and yet....he still longs to know me and love me, to pick me up when I fall. How is this possible? How am I still worth something, when my eyes are so attracted to things TOTALLY opposite of goodness? How am I worth something when my heart is choosing to not love you? How am I still worth something when I chose myself DAILY over you?
I'm speechless.
You are far greater than my understanding, perfect in power, matchless in glory, you are the brilliant creator, friend of mine.
you have my attention. Now I'm working on giving you my heart.

A Change

There are things in life that bring about change. Some times you just need to have a change. Change can come in many forms....change can be small suddle things or change can be that drastic thing everyone notices.
I've been involved in some change lately. There are things that just have been weighing me down for quite some time. I was reminded of the saying, "Crazy is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results." That is what I was doing. I was hoping by doing the same thing, I would get a different result. Not sure why i thought that saying was applicable to everyone else but me, but for some reason that is where I found myself. Then I hit me when I was right back in the very place I was trying to get away from when I started this 'need for change' journey I'm on. So this time, after much hurt, much soul searching, I have finally broken that cycle of where I was.
(I know this isn't making much sense to anyone, but just bare with me.)
I took that step off the crazy cycle. i broke the pattern, and you know it has indeed been different! I have found an inner strength that i didn't know I had. I have found a freedom that I didn't know would come with stepping out of the crazy cycle. And most of all I have honored my Father by taking this step.
I am not sure how this new journey looks. I am taking one step at a time. I am walking blindly here, hoping Lord, that you will light my next steps as I take them. i took the step out of the crazy cycle and quite frankly I'm a little nervous. The crazy cycle is all I've known. Its how I've lived my life for the past 7 years. Its what I know. I am so thankful that the time has come to step out, but I'm scared. I'm scared of trusting that you know what is best for me. I'm scared that you will call me to one more hard thing & I'm not sure I can handle one more hard thing. I feel like its been a constant 2 years of you bringing up the crap in my heart and in my life & I'm not sure i can take much more. I really don't. I don't know how to do this relationship that I'm in covenant with. I don't know how you are going to make it work for 30 more years. I don't. I want to trust that you will, but I need you to show me something. Show me just a piece of what I'm doing has some good. All the muck and crap that has been rearing its ugly head, isn't all for nothing. show me that there is some light at the end of this tunnel. Because I can't see it. I feel like it just keeps getting piled with more and more crap. And I'm tired. I'm tired of relationships being to hard, I'm tired of fighting with people, I'm tired of doing this. all of it. I am begging you to show me something. show me a piece of you, show me that there is good in this. show me why I shouldn't give up. you said that to me today, but show me why.
I need something.
I need to see you.
I need to hear from you.
I need you to comfort me.
I need you to hold me & tell me it will be alright.
I need to see the hope that you really do offer.
I need to feel you close to me.
I need to know that you are still for me.
I need to feel validation from you.
I need you to SHOW UP.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of the crap being brought up in my life.
I'm tired of hurting.
I'm tired of fighting.
I'm tired of feeling.
I'm tired of there always being something that needs worked on.
I'm tired of the daily struggle.
Can you show me you.
Can you make this change for me.
I'm tired of walking.

How do you do it Dad?

How do you make it look so easy? How do you love so unconditionally? How do you keep pouring out when there is nothing to pour from? How do you find it in yourself to be a man of integrity when the world around you says not to? How do you keep a marriage of 34 years strong and alive? How do you strive to give 110% when you get nothing in return? How do you face each challenge that comes your way with courage & conviction? How do you press on when you feel like staying in the bed some mornings? How do you make raising a family look easy? How do you have so much wisdom to give? How do you continue to lend an ear when all you hear is negativity? How do you care so much for the broken? How do you put one foot in front of the other when you know the journey could be hard? How do you keep your smile on your face? How do you have that joy that only comes from a peace from with in? How did you figure out how to do this life? How do you know how to love me in just the right way? How do you know what I need to hear right when I need it? How do you know that I need your views on life? How did you know that one day I would be where you were?