Hot Mess

It is safe to say I had my very first freak out yesterday afternoon. I've never had a panic attack, but from what I know of them...that was pretty close. I just got overwhelmed by this whole thing. Jeremy told his work staff yesterday, most of whom already knew, but then a couple friends were talking to me, and just one thing built on top of the other & I just freaked out. Crying, deep breathing, saying I just don't know how I can do this...I guess that is the part that is not like pregnancy. Just thinking down the road at what will this be like. What will be our new "normal". Our normal won't just include the four of us, it will include two entirely different families as well....and thats when I freaked out. Not because I don't, won't or can't love those other families....its just....not normal. But following Christ in a world that is only out for self isn't normal either I suppose. Living for something bigger than just to gratify yourself isn't normal either. I just freaked out too because its like all this risk involved, you jump off this unbelievably high cliff, when you are TERRIFIED of heights anyway, and you are just in this like free-fall and at the end of the fall...there is a very REAL possibility that there will be no baby to come home with. That would stink. That sounds so shallow to the pain I would really be feeling if that did happen. My sweet friends & husband keep reminding me though, that there is this risk involved in pregnancy too....people miscarry all the time. God gives life, God gives babies to people, God works things out. Being fearful and walking out this process in a constant state of "what if" is going to drive me mad.
I dont' know how to do this thing. I don't' know how to prepare myself for something like this. I don't know how to love with a pure fully open love when the risk of my heart being broken is so real.  Then I don't know how to do this thing down the road. I don't know what it will look like, I guess I don't need to know. Thats the part that gets me...I am SUCH a control freak & planner...that just this state of unknown is really rocking me. I am committed to moving into this...obviously, but it is by far the most frightening thing I've ever done. If you read my posts on a normal basis you are going to see emotions that are super up & down....kind of like a roller coaster. hahah That is the season I'm in. I don't know what is next, I don't know how to do this, but I do know that His word fills me. It comforts me, it assures me...not that this will be the fairytale ending, but assures me that he is with me, and walking with me, leading me, guiding me...falling with me.

So for today, these are the verses that I'm clinging to:

“…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God’s will. And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:26-28).

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7).


“I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears” (Psalm 34:4).

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:6-7) 


Then there is Psalm 139....so beautiful. 


So Lord, here I am, the hot mess that I am. In all my glory....the freak outs, the tears, the worry, the stress, the fear of getting too excited, the hope, the excitement, the joy I see when I watch Jeremy through this process....here I am all of me. I know adoption is what you have called us to, I know & trust this situation & these moments we are going through right now are from you, I also know that I don't  need to worry about "what if". I don't need to worry about two months from now. I know and trust that you are preparing this fragile emotional heart of mine, and will give me what I need right when I need it. You know this is SO hard for me, stretching me in ways I have never wanted to be stretched, but I know that you are in control. I know that you have a plan...and its beautiful. Help me to find some joy in this process, help me to rest in your word & truths, help me to be an encouragement to Leighanne, help me show her your unconditional gracious love. Help me to walk through this process not defeated, but head held high and confident that I have a God that HEARS ME and walks WITH me. Love you. ♥ 

Free-falling

Whoever said adoption was not like pregnancy either hasn't experienced both or was not telling the truth because I'm experiencing all the same symptoms! 
Let's see... heartburn, upset stomach, nausea, sleepless nights, worry, anxiety, and the list goes on & on. Oh & then there is the, not finding out your going to have a baby until many months into the process, thing! Wait that one is just all me, can't claim that one as normal haha :) 
Well I guess there is one slight difference, with adoption you are in a constant state of feeling like you are in a free-fall. Not knowing where you will land, if it will be on both feet or flat on your back....no, no wait....that's the same as pregnancy too. Haha who knew these processes were so similar, yet so very different. 
For now I will keep practicing my deep breaths in preparation for the big day! I think the breathing tips I learned when I was pregnant are helping me more now than they did two years ago! :) 

Things that are being done as of now....
Today we buy the lawyer for the birth mom. Breathe, breathe. 
I talked to work yesterday & they are preparing for me to be out when baby arrives. (we need a name! I need something to call her, any suggestions??) 
The hospital has been contacted & will have a room set up for us....oh my oh my there it goes, that free-fall feeling!!! 
Breathe, breathe, ok better. :)
Then last night....I started baby wilks scrapbook. I am a secret scrapbook-er....shhh don't tell. ;) 
But I made one for Ella's first year, and one of my Mothers day gifts from Jeremy was a brand new scrapbook to make for this baby. (he did that!!! can you TAKE it?!!) so that will give me something to work on while we wait. 
I'm trying, trying to let go & experience all of this. No inhibitions, no holding back, all in....because if I don't it will be over before I know it. So today, I will keep practicing my breathing & praying for a name to come to us so I can stop calling her baby wilk ;) 
Have a good day everyone! 

May 8, 2007

Just realized May 8th 2007 was my first blog post. I've had this blog FIVE years!! WOW.
haha that is a long time!
Just thought I should make a post about that! Happy 5th birthday blog! :) hahah

Running with Abandon

What a weekend.
Can I say it again, what a week.end. WOW.
I just am sitting here in shock & awe; I guess the Wilkinson's do it no other way though. Friday was an amazing day. Was able to help serve at the Daily Bread downtown, that is always an amazing experience for me, I love it there. Then speaking at Faith Girls Friday night was awesome too. For all that were praying, thank you! God showed up in an amazing way, calmed my nerves, answered specific prayers about the night, and was made bigger. It was an awesome experience. (Thank you again for asking me, Amanda) :) Then to top off Friday we went to our friends house to watch an outdoor movie. They were playing my favorite; Beauty & the Beast. If you would have been sitting next to me you probably would have punched me because I know pretty much every word hahah. :)
Saturday we went out to breakfast as a family, and went to our friends house to help them paint. Then came Sunday. Mothers Day, and what a day I had. It was so humbling to go in early to be apart of a drama that was just such a blast. That was probably the only glimpse of living out a musical I will ever have, but hey! I'll take it! It was a blast! :) So fun to hear the crowds into it & having fun too. :)
So after three services of that, I come home to this:

What you are seeing here is, in the top is a green cover for my MacBook Air, then an outfit that Jeremy picked out for our baby on the way, a scrapbook for me to make for her first year (like I did with Ella), and then a card that says how he can't wait to see me pour my love into another. 

more shock

more awe

what?? hahah WHO IS this guy!!?!? hahah I can't tell you how it feels to be in this moment at this point in time. The man who fought kids, who did not want them, who fell in love with our daughter, and now is running with full on abandon towards this baby on the way. He is jumping in head first with no hesitations, no fear, just full on running. It is amazing. It is ONLY explained by God. There is no way in his humanness that this is Jeremy. I love watching him. I love how he gets to be a Dad to two of our girls. I love that he loves her already. It.blows.me.away. I think I could truly die now...I mean really! If we were waiting on a list of checking off things I wanted to see fulfilled in my life before I died...I mean this is it. I am good...I have come through the depths & am now standing on the mountain top. It is a breath taking view! phew. 

So....if that was not enough...my day continued. We drove down to Roanoke to take Leighanne to lunch for Mothers Day. Earlier in the day I was having a bit of anxiety...just thinking about the what ifs...what if this, what if that...well if this then, that...just driving myself mad with questions & concerns. It is amazing to talk to jeremy through this....he has a calm and a peace about him like I've never seen. So he calms me...but then when we get to see Leighanne....her too. It is amazing how calm my nerves get when I am with her. All the worry, fear, anxiety, everything goes away. Either she is a really smooth talker or this is really going to happen. Either way....hahah what a ride we are on. She makes us feel so at peace & there is a calm when we are all together, she is great. She is a sweet sweet girl who just wants a good home & life for her baby....and is entrusting this job to us. It just makes me weep. And knowing where I've come from the depths my heart has sunk in these past 9 years of being married, to now watching prayers & dreams unfold right before my eyes.......again, I die. hahah I don't know why I am so shocked....I prayed for these things....this shouldn't shock me that He is answering them....I should say SEEEEE I KNEW IT! hahah :) 

So today...this new week that is before us...week 29....

We have ultrasound pictures, I've pulled out baby clothes....we are ready sweet baby. Just need a name & we'll be set. Running with full on abandon into this too. Not thinking about the what ifs....not thinking about this....not thinking about that....just running & jumping off this 100 foot cliff that is before me & know that I know that I know, God will catch me either way. Its the first time in my life I have just ran & jumped....all other times its been me creep'n up to the side of the cliff, looking over, freaking out, running away, coming back looking over, sitting down, turning to my belly to crawl off the side....on & on. Not this time.....in fact I'm backing up and full on sprinting & taking the biggest leap of my life. Here we go Lord......either way....you have this.......................♥ ♥

Whirlwind Part 2

So yesterday I wrote about "the rest of the story" apparently Jeremy says all systems go & we can talk about it. So....ok, here I go. First off I'm sorry to those of you who read this for the first time & find out. I hope you aren't hurt or offended its honestly the 3rd day....so with that, know I love you & want to have told you in person....but I just had to get this OUT!!!

So rewind to Wednesday (May 10th) this week. Jeremy comes home & says I have a really funny story for you.....so whenever that happens I'm like...oh ok here we go.....we're moving to Asia or something like that...ok I'm ready....what is it.
He proceeds to tell me that a coworker of his came up to him.....with ALL thoughts that he would NOT be interested at all, but was prompted by another employee to at least present the idea to Jeremy & myself. So this coworker listened to the other coworker & went to Jeremy. They said....just wanted to throw this idea out there, maybe talk to Janna & see what you guys thing or feel....I don't even know if you would want this....but I know a girl who has decided to place her baby up for adoption, are you interested. Without skipping a beat, Jeremy said...I don't even have to call Janna & ask her, I know what her answer is going to be...so yes absolutely we are interested!!! if any of you really know Jeremy.....SO not like him. Needless to say the coworkers jaw dropped & was like OK!! I'll let her know. So they talk to the birth mom & the birth mom wants to meet us. So the only time in the next few days that everyone could meet was the NEXT day! So Thursday, just two days ago....we all met, talked for 3 hours, got to tell our stories to each other, and talk about what this would look like, prayed, cried, poured into one another, it was beautiful. So at the end of the three hours together the birth mom was 100% confident that we were the family her baby was to be placed with. She even made the sweet comments about since this is your baby I don't want you to just come be the people that take the baby home, i want you involved. Come to Dr. appointments, be at the next ultrasound....she said I am just the host for your baby & I want you guys to experience what is left of the pregnancy. You guys....she gave us ultrasound pictures....she is letting us name the baby.....I think I'm still shaking, no I AM still shaking from all of this.
Want to know the real kicker............
she is SEVEN months pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahahahahahahhahaha Is anyone else laughing??? hahaha She is due July 26th, almost EXACTLY two years after Ella was born. Oh my goodness....we will have another baby in TWO months!! The best part too is....its a GIRL!!! Oh my heart is elated. That's what we would have wanted had we had another baby because its just easy, the girls can share a room, we have MORE than enough clothes for her, shoes, etc etc.
This is just nuts.
Read down two posts from this one about the state of my heart just 4 weeks or so ago. In the same place as I was with Ella, and then realizing that I already learned those lessons & that my God IS trustworthy. Doesn't mean I will get what I want when I want it....or even at all, but it means He HEARS ME. HE HEARS US. I just have this deer in the headlights look right now thinking of this reality. Granted there is a chance that last minute she backs out & wants to keep the baby...and that is ok. Jeremy & I are committed to loving her through this even if it means only for two months. We will not walk away empty handed. I will still have a God who hears my cries & longings. I will still have a God that loves me in UNREAL ways. I will still have an amazing husband that leads me unbelievably well. I will still have my amazing reminder, Ella. I will have this process, I will have the memory that God answered very specific details about my hearts longing for baby #2.....and that WILL be enough.
And if she doesn't back out.....then we will have.....oh goodness....starting to cry.....a sibling for Ella that I have been praying, pleading, and begging God for for the past two years.
My God you are amazing.
For those who read this & don't know Him, I don't come with eloquent words, I don't come with a lot to offer, but I pray my life & words would be an undeniable example that He IS alive, He IS moving, He does hear us.....and he shows His grace & mercy in the sweetest ways.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day.
ok just flat out bawling at this point. haha
But after service we are going to go visit the birth Mother & take her to dinner. Get to know her, to love on her, and just be Jesus to her. If  that is all these next two months are for, then Lord, with hands open wide, knees to the earth, head bowed low to you.....I pray I love her well. I pray you would shine so brightly through Jeremy, Ella, and me. That her life would be different because she can say she had an encounter with you. I can't tell you how much I love you. I can't tell you how sweet you are. All I can do is honor you by the way I obey you & Lord that is my biggest hearts cry. Help me honor you well....SO THAT your name would be made HUGE. ♥ ♥

The Rest of the Story

I woke up, this is not a dream.
Its still very very real.
Yep.....wide awake.

The rest of the story is being written....crazy that its being written on weeks like this....but its being written. Without my help, without my input, without my opinions. Its being written.

Still wide awake.
This is nuts absolutely nuts.
I can't wait to share more.....

Who is this girl?

This week...I will be on stage, in front of many people t.w.i.c.e. thats right I said it twice. Who am I?? This is so not like me. I am telling my story to a group of 50-90, 7-11 year olds on Friday night & then on Mothers Day am in a drama....I say drama lightly...I will be a back up "dancer" but we won't be dancing really.....hahahah but regardless....the girl who practically dropped out of college because of all the speech classes is going to be on stage twice in one week.

Deep breath, deep breath

I committed to obedient to any where He leads me...dare I say it....even if that means getting in front of people. eeeekkkkkk Can't say I'm "excited" scared out of my mind is more like it, but standing on the truth in 1 John 4:4 "4 You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." Thats right, HE who is in ME is greater than the one who is in this world. So use me Lord.....my eyes might be shut the whole way but I'm walking right behind you. ♥