Nonfrantic Woman

"Her questions were honest and unassuming, her demeanor kind, her laugh delightfully loud, her paperwork messy, but her focus clear. She stayed focused on the task at hand. She wasn't encumbered with a thousand other things pulling at her. She didn't try to multitask too much. She wasn't a slave to her cell phone. She wasn't running late or running from one thing to the next. She said no to everything else pulling at her so she could say yes to the story."

"If you want people to use such great words to describe you, think about the decision you are making. How are they leading people to describe you?"

"Great descriptions are birthed from great decisions. The decisions we make, make the lives we live. If we want to live better, we've got to decide better. Yes and No. The two most powerful words."

Recently I was told, (by a good friend) I bicker with my husband. Ugh. Not a fun thing to hear....let me define it for you:

• bick·er
• argue: to argue in a bad-tempered way about something unimportant 

That sounds like a complement right? Ouch! I don't want to be known for bickering! Really?? Wow what a legacy Jan. Yikes. But it was a good reality check and one I'm trying to work through. I have been reading The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst. The quotes come from that book; which is really worth the read by the way.
I just love what these quotes have to say and in regards to the Nonfrantic Woman. I have been reflecting on this bickering comment and I just love what she said in the first quote. I do all those stated things at different times...and the "isn't a slave to her phone" part....wow....never heard it referred to as "being a slave to your phone"....YIKES, but isn't that what happens?! I was reminded of my favorite verse Genesis 4:7. ....."sin is crouching at your door, it desires to have you, but you must rule over it." It doesn't rule over me, I rule over it! And again, an example I do not want my kids seeing...a mom who is a slave to her phone?? No.

Next quote....if we want to live better, we've got to decide better.......so I have to decide to not bicker. I have to decide to not be a slave to my phone. I have to decide to eat well. I have to decide to exercise. I have to decide to press into what God has for me...even when I'm tired.
The Nonfrantic Woman.
I want to be her. I want to be poised, humble, unassuming, kind....nonfrantic. I want my words to count--every single one of them that comes from my lips. I want them to mean something, be filled with love, not be words that are just a clanging gong.

"I brought to each of those encounters my presence and my love, my Best Yes. And one Best Yes after another took me places I've have never had the privilege to go if I hadn't dared to look at what was right in front of me."

.....She brought her presence...something I am all too familiar with these days that I do not have. With the pace in which life rolls, and having 3 kids under the age of 5 in the house all day....you don't have much time to be "present," to be fully attentive.....you are multitasking to an insane degree, you are trying to keep afloat, dishes done, laundry done.....defusing fights.....and in that I have found that my phone provides a temporary escape....which in turn makes me a slave to it, as I long for that escape.....oh what a vicious little cycle.

Time to stop. Refocus. Put my eyes on Jesus, and as I become present with him; my frantic, bickering,  multitasking overloaded self, will become.....Nonfrantic.

Real Life

The fairy tale has worn off you could say. We are getting into the real life emotions, feelings, and hurts you would expect to find in a situation like the one we are in. The past two weeks have been hard. Really hard. Anger, hurt, attitude, fear, frustration, and mile high walls all directed at me specifically. I have watched a close friend go through this same thing, and its one thing to empathize with someone, but its a whole other ball game when you are the one walking through it! Shew. It is hard to love, when you are being mistreated. It is hard to turn the other cheek when you are constantly being compared. Its hard to serve when there is no gratitude. Its hard to keep the self-protection walls down within yourself when you are not being treated kindly. Its hard not to favor and compare when you are being ignored. Real life is hard.
Then I stop and think about what Jesus went through, and I break. My "situation" is VERY minor compared to Him and all he went through, but he still loved. He still poured out. He still gave. He still remained open, soft, and…..obedient. That's hard. Real life is hard.

I was reading 2 Chronicles 1:1-13 today. It was talking about how Solomon, son of David, established himself as King. Verse 1 says "….for the Lord his God was with him and made him exceedingly great." I love that. it was because the Lord was with him that made Solomon great.
Then the next few verses go like this: "God appeared to Solomon and said to him. "Ask whatever you want me to give you" Solomon answered God, "You have shown great kindness to David my father and have made me King in his place. Now, Lord God, let your promise to my father be confirmed, for you have made me king over a people who are as numerous as the dust of the earth. Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead these people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours?"

Go and read the rest of the verses and see how God responds….its amazing. But I wanted to stop and focus on Solomon for a minute. Say what? God said "Ask whatever you want me to give you"….and Solomon, who just became King said…."Give me wisdom and knowledge??"
This is God here, Solomon…..he can give you whatever you want and you ask for wisdom and knowledge!?!
Wow. What character, right?

I was stopped in the tracks of these verses, because in real life, this life, through the hurt and the pain, as I have been tasked with leading these kids…..my first thing I ask God for is NOT wisdom and knowledge. Its take these kids away kind of stuff! haha
Wow! To be able to respond in the thick of life, "God give me wisdom and knowledge. I know you lead us here, I know we are here for a reason…I know you have clearly set all this in motion, I know for this season we are to lead these kids well…..so give me wisdom and knowledge!" So many times I become the victim and want to have the comfort and shelter of taking the easy route in real life. Oh to get to a place where my first request is for knowledge and wisdom to lead these kids well. How different would my days be? How different would my responses be?!

Oh Lord, thank you for continuing molding and shaping me. Thank you for not stopping where you left me the last time you shaped something in me, but continuing to move and mold me more and more like you. Lord help me get to a place where my first request of you is for wisdom and knowledge. I know and trust you that we are here because you asked us to be here, so help me to have wisdom and knowledge in knowing how to lead these little lives well! 

You...

You. You who read my blog, I know this is from you 😊 I don't talk about things other places so I know it had to come from a blog friend....how can I thank you? Well hopefully you see one of the ways I have reached out to thank you for this tiny little card. I don't you to know it has caused me yet again to weep. Haha we have been so so beyond blessed and are without adequate words to express our gratitude to you and our Heavenly Father who is using His church to bless us. Since the last post I've had a friend bring us a meal we can freeze and pull out when things are low, and dear friend from college helped out, from people coming to sit for me so I can go get groceries {alone}, to being able to have a date with my husband, and now to you tiny card. We feel so well taken care of! Thank you thank you whoever "you" are. What and awesome blessing! My God is good and cares deeply for us! To Him be the glory!

Held

Have you ever been in those seasons of life that are hard, but without a shadow of a doubt you knew you were being held by the creator of the universe? We are entering week 4 of having two extra kids in our home, and without a shadow of a doubt it has been the most challenging thing I've ever done. Ever. Keep in mind I'm a wimp, and from a Leave It to Beaver type family dynamic so this has rocked my little type A personality a little bit. Needing a plan, having structure, being orderly, and on time has been thrown by the wayside. There are days I feel like I'm in the ocean treading water and all that is showing is my face enough for breath. From sibling style arguments, from messes that would shock anyone, to the 2-3 laundry loads I do in a day (yes! in a day! who uses THAT much stuff to be washed, right??), to being a counselor, to being a manager of good manners, to wiping tears, to reading books, and becoming a waitress. This past week the treading water, face gasping for air was diminished by His church; our core group. I have never in my life felt more held by my Heavenly Father. I was suppose to attend my women's small group one Saturday morning, and it was my only morning that I was able to sleep in (which is 7am), so I kindly bowed out and said I was not going to make it. Well His church, the body of Christ, what did they do? They rallied together and brought us breakfast! Not just a small breakfast either, I mean it was waffles, fresh fruit, juice, eggs, bacon! The works! It was amazing! Then this past week we have been feeling the financial strain of bringing two more mouths into our home. Mouths that actually eat! haha! Our girls are still in birdie stage and don't eat much, but these sweet kiddos are growing & they EAT! haha So we have a very strict budget that we follow (Thank you Dave Ramsey!), and we had gone through four weeks of food money in three weeks! Yes we have savings so we knew we would be ok, but do you know what His church, the body of Christ, our core group of friends, who are our family out  here, did? We were out all day yesterday and came home to a completely stocked refrigerator, stocked full freezer, stocked full pantry, and beautiful roses (my favorite) on the table with a note. I wept. I had no words, I just needed to weep. Held. I felt so completely held and loved by my Father who loves me, and cares for me, and knows me! He uses people to bless and to encourage, and to spur on. He is amazing. I have felt Him so much this past week in conversations that I KNEW were directly for me and my heart. I have felt Him in the new high school student I met today…who had the exact same story as Brooklyn and Brock. She was 8 & her brother was 4 when they came to the family who eventually adopted them. I wept. In front of my new friend that I just met who was a student and instead of me leading her, she was leading me. Held. My God is sweet to me and loves me in ways I had no clue he would love me. This week my treading, face hardly out of the water has turned into floating on top of the water with His hand on my back, being Held. I love Him, and am so honored that I get to walk this life out with him.

Life with the Wilkinson's

Life with the Wilkinson's looks a little different these days. Ok a lot different. We recently took in a sibling group (Brooklyn -8 & Brock -3) into our home. The set up was to be Sunday night through Thursday night & they would go back to mom for the weekend. Without going into too much detail they are with us this weekend too. :) We love how God has sent us the kids that he feels need to be in our home, and we are just walking each step out as it comes. Saying yes to Him has become our anthem. These past few weeks have not been pretty at times though. Yes, we have had some really fun times, but what people don't see are the breakdowns. The questions, why is my mom going out of town when she could be with us, questions. The cries and tears, the yells of when is Mommy coming to get me? Last Thursday as I fumbled myself through a conversation with Brooklyn trying to help her understand why she was here at our house….I found myself gasping for breath. I did my best to get through the conversation, but as I made my way to my room and shut the door behind me, I fell to my knees and just wept. My heart is broken in two for these kids, and have found myself falling for them. The self-protection side has kicked in too knowing they may not be with us after this summer. That in itself will be a whole new punch to the stomach, I'm sure of it.
These are good good kids, and I love watching how God has fashioned each one of them to land in this tiny two bedroom town home with us. Nov. 9th we said yes to foster care, and June 9th we intercepted two kids about to enter the system. He is a good God, and even through my protests of "Yes Lord I prayed for kids, but only two of them" He had a different plan. He has and is writing a story through these kids lives, and I can't wait to watch it unfold. We don't make plans past the day we are living in, because we don't really know. The only thing I really am planning is how on earth we are going to feed two more mouths! haha! These kids eat! Wasn't ready for that, but we are are on a budget and we used 4 weeks of food money in 3 weeks!! Hahah Shew! My two little ones are still in the "we hardly eat" stage, so we didn't really see a dent in our budget, but these other two eat! But you know in all of this, all the way back down to my first, Ella, he has made a way. All we have really "had to do" is say yes. So because of all the practice we have had to had saying yes, and watching him follow through; the whole food budget thing I know will be provided for as well. I love that He knows me so well, and knows all need those marker moments to look back on when I start to get all panicky and flustered. He is a good God, and I trust Him COMPLETELY.
So..life with the Wilkinsons….looks a lot different. A different I never would have dreamt up, but a different he fashioned and He put together, and I love this roller coaster of a life he has me on.
With that said…..we cherish your prayers, and need them daily. We don't know how to do this! :)
Hope everyone is well!! xoxo

I Just Laugh

Oh this is why I post blogs about what is happening in our lives and where God is taking us...so I can look back and read and see how he provides. Then I sit back and just laugh. He is the coolest thing ever really. From my last post, life has still been spinning but with good spins, relaxing spins,lots of time with Jeremy spins, it's been good. Then there is the biggest of all spins...June 9th we have two kids coming to move into our home! So Foster Care....we put that on hold because we were approached by a lady who was having a hard time getting on her feet and asked if we could help with her kids this summer. Of course we said yes and and June 9th Sunday-Thursday they will live with us. Weekends they will go with her. Feels like a divorce. Again I just laugh. I love how God works and I love watching Him move when we say yes, and I love even more bragging on Him and how HE sets things in motion. We are so excited to have them come live with us. These past few months we have been able to help her a few times with these kids and they are awesome! They blend well with our kids and I'm really looking forward to the next round of "spinning!" I sit back and laugh. Oh He's just too cool!! Here we go!!

Keep Marching On

Hello. Its been a while. Its been a busy season. yes. wow. Its April!
Last night officially marked the completion of the Foster Care Training piece of applying for Foster Care. Now all that stands in our way of a child in our home, is some finger prints, health assessments, and building of a Murphy bed. Crazy. We are doing this, like really. Haha I think somewhere in my mind I thought during this process, "ok Gods going to stop us and say, ok see…I just wanted you to be faithful and lean in, and this is what I will do now." I have a feeling he was serious that Foster Care is really what he wanted for us….and that scares me. But excites me at the same time. I am excited to watch is plan unfold and watch a little life come into our lives that is broken and hurting and watch HIM restore and repair. Its going to be a beautifully awful process I'm sure of it. The timing of how the Lord orchestrates things blows my little human mind too some. This has been the hardest season to date with my kids, I'm starting another round of Made for More in two weeks, but with real live teens this time, I am on the verge of the project I work for going under, thus leaving me jobless, my husband leaving for Nepal for two weeks, trying not to say no to every cake offer I get in case I do loose my job, and all the while trying to maintain a house that is in order. Spinning, spinning, spinning…..see how I got to April this quick! Shew. I need an older woman to show me how to keep all these plates spinning at the same time. Some days I'm like ok I just need to let this plate fall to the floor and I'll deal with the mess when I have a second. There has to be a way to keep marching on without everything else wobbling out of control. Any suggestions out there?