36 Weeks!

Thanks be to the Lord that Alivia has made it to week 36!! That's a good sign!! Just need to make it 1 more week & she will be full term!! So exciting! Off to a doctors appointment with Leighanne today! I'll post more when I return!


Well the appointment went great. She is dilated 1cm, her cervix is soft (which from what I meant means: if the cervix is soft / "ripe" this indicates that you will probably go into labor soon)...so that is a good sign! Alivia is facing head down too, so we are in the beginning stages. Whether that means she will come this weekend or in 4 weeks, that is to be determined. Either super excited!

I love talking with Leighanne, she gives me such a peace about this whole process. She said Janna I am not wavering in my decision at all, I WOULD tell you. I totally trust that too. So just trying to take these last few weeks in...the last time we'll be a family of 3! So excited to become a family of four, but just resting & waiting. I will keep you posted!!! yippppy! :)

Reality has hit

I have been doing really well on my emotional state these past few weeks. Just really embracing the adoption & running full blast into it. No looking back, no inhibitions, just all in, and its been so fun. I have been having a great time pulling out tiny baby shoes, and decorating the room, rearranging to fit another girl in it. Just preparing my heart to love another one, and do the best to help Ella not be blindsided when Alivia does come home. So all in all its been great! Things have been going so well…..but just like on a rollercoaster, after you go up, you must come down….I am coming down. The reality of the situation is blaring straight in my face.

The reality of the fact that Leighanne has to sign paper work making it legal for us to take Alivia home from the hospital happened yesterday. The reality of the fact that she has to talk to her counselor today about this whole situation, is setting in. The reality of the fact that she is having a rough day today because of these things, is setting in. The reality of the fact that we could do all this planning & preparing….naming…and baby Liv might NOT come home with us….is setting in. The reality of the fact that I have to watch my now friend go through one of the hardest things she’ll probably EVER do & know that I am the one who gets to reap the benefits, is setting in & rips my heart just straight out.

I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how not to be a basket case through this. I don’t know how I will navigate through this if it doesn’t work out either. Its such a weird, odd situation to be in an open adoption. I think sometimes open adoptions are, or seem to be a lot harder than a closed one would be. With a closed adoption, you don’t get to know the birth Mother or Father. You don't start to truly care for them or wish the best for them, or hope that things work out for them & hope they succeed in their life…. but then at the end of the day, you want their baby to come home with you!?!? It makes no sense. It just is really crazy & extremely difficult & I’m really, really trying to find the beauty in all this. I know there is beauty in this…I see how God has set things up, and I see how He has answered things, down to the details. I see that….so I do see the beauty in it….but man…. it’s such a mixed feeling as an adoptive Mother, you feel an immense amount of joy that God chose you for this child, but then you’re truly heartbroken that that the birth mother has to go through this pain.

I asked my friend who has adopted before how to do this. How do you get through this? Her suggestions really helped…she said, “It helped me when I tried to not think about “D DAY”. I just tried to take it a day at a time, and when things got sticky at times, we just kept plugging along. And you know what? If something happens and she doesn’t come home with you… it’s ok to grieve. I had a lot of fear that I would never actually get to keep my babies. But God strengthened us as we walked it out. He helped us just be able to focus on the day. Every step that I got invited into being my kids’ mom, I was blown away. I never thought they’d actually work out. So I look back and go “God really?!” YOU DID THIS!”

So for today….that’s what I’ll do. I’m going to get through today. One step at a time….just going to keep on moving & plugging along. I don’t need to worry about the “what if”, I don’t need to worry about, how to do this….just one day at a time. One brown bag, to breathe into so I don’t hyperventilate, at a time…He WILL bring me through this…and I WILL be able to say….or I WILL choose to say, “This was a beautiful process because my God was in control of it.”

One tiny word....changes everything

So yesterday afternoon was fun.

After I got off work I got a text from Leighanne! What I read was:

"Hey I wasn't able to go to back to the doctor’s office due to work but spoke with doctor & they would like me to go to L&D (Labor & Delivery) after I get off work or before....fluid is leaking."

OH MY GOODNESS OH my GOODNESS!! This is it! should I come down?!!? So I text Jeremy, he's in prayer, he tells all the people at the prayer meeting they start praying. So then I text my "support" crew that is going to help us with Ella while we are down there, I just say to them....she is going to L&D not sure if we going down or what, but just be aware...we might need you.

Ok so I text her back & I said, "Do you want me to come down, do you think this is it?" So she calmly replies..."Well I am not sure, I think its close for sure, but I don't think this is it." So I get confused, I'm like hmmm...doctor says to go to L&D, fluid leaking...I'm pretty sure this is it. So then I text her back, and said "ok so what time do you get off work?" She text back & said, "I will get off at 8, I'm going to go grab some dinner, then head home"......So at this point i'm like...what?!?! You're fluid is leaking, you’re going to stay at work till 8, then just go get dinner...and go home??.......waaaaaaiiit a minute!!!

So I go back to her text to SLOW DOWN and reread it.....here is what it really says:

There it is.....that one tiny word, that changes everything: IF fluid is leaking.......so for the next few hours I have to retrace my steps & tell everyone it was a false alarm. hahah But the next few hours were fun telling everyone what I had done. hahaha OOPPSIE? hahah
SO yeah....that was our excitement for the week! Hey at least it was a good dry run and realization I need a bag packed!!!
34 weeks today!! Its getting closer!!! Can't wait to meet you my sweet Liv ♥

It's out there

Well, it's out there! Some would joke it makes it official. :) Friday night Jeremy asked why I hadn't posted the news on Facebook yet....the only reasons I could come up with were fear based....so...we posted our news on Facebook that night!

The response....was....absolutely overwhelming. I mean I thought maybe 50 or so people would "like" it or something like that, but all of the many comments, the texts that followed, the amount of likes it generated.....floored me. I can't tell you how it feels to be THIS supported in this. I know its just a "virtual reality" but wow...the response blew me away & I knew we had made the right decision to post it....because at the end of the day...if this doesn't end up working out...then that will just give me an even bigger platform to make His name even greater. To show that He is STILL good, He is STILL God, and he is STILL in control of this too...and will know all those people, all those likes, all those comments, will get to hear of His great love even then. Its an amazingly humbling position he's put us in this season. There is no other place I'd rather be. ♥

So tonight...this is where my heart is:

On my sweet girl that I will be holding in my arms in some odd short weeks....My heart is growing in anticipation to meet you, to hold you, to tell of His great love for you. After spending the entire day with Leighanne & ultimately Alivia....I'm just at peace. Rested & settled. Settled in the unwavering faith that my Lord has given me. Whatever the outcome...I know he has this, he has me, he has her, he has Leighanne....he knows the ending, and I love that I can trust that his ending is the best ending in all of this. Deep sigh, deep anticipation, and with a deep deep peace, I fall asleep tonight. Grateful that he chose me to walk this road. ♥ 

Drum Roll Please......

So at 33 weeks today, We have decided on a name!

We will call her:

Alivia Peyton Wilkinson

We will call her "Liv" for short.
Baby Alivia ♥  Not to be confused with Olivia. :) 
It was a big debate, I wanted Olivia, but Jer didn't like that spelling really...so he found Alivia. Apparently its the "modern day" way of spelling Olivia. :) I just love the flow of Alivia Peyton Wilkinson. We are keeping the name Peyton because that is the name that Leighanne had named her in the first few months of pregnancy, so we thought that would be a good way to honor her in this too. So...sweet baby Alivia, your Dad, sister & I can't wait to meet you! :)

Name Me

So the big debate we have been having is a name for baby Wilk. I've been asking everyone, but we can't seem to agree on anything. :( The other night I even asked Ella, "What we should name baby Wilk?" And in all two year old fashion she replied with, "Mine" hahah So...I said, "Oh really, we will call her Mine?" and she just shook her head yes. :) haha too cute.

Its been a long process to name this little one, but tonight Jer & I finally narrowed it down to two names!!! We are going to think about it & post what it is when we decide! Woohoo! I feel so much better that we have something to maybe call her! Yay

Can wait to meet you sweet baby! We are ready & excited for you to come home! ♥ ♥

More differences

Well things are going well...everyone is still all for the plan, and everything is progressing. We got to spend some time with Leighanne yesterday. As always, its very fun to be with her & talk with her.
As I walk through this process though, and as I get to know Leighanne more, I am seeing very stark contrasts in adoption & pregnancy. Clearly we all know they are different situations, but the one thing I didn't expect or was naive to was, the pain. The pain I see in Leighanne. I wasn't expecting that...I guess because I didn't "know" that side of this process yet.
When you're on my side the things you feel are fears, anxiety, and then super elation & excitement set in....but there never is really pain. There "could" if the outcome is not in our favor, but that wouldn't come until later. Right now, though, as I sat with her, hearing her, listening, empathizing...I hear a deep pain. Not a pain that waivers on her decision, just a pain of loss. In that moment it was so hard for me to be excited about this new life, when my friend, the birth mother of my child is hurting so deeply. It made me really sad for her. You never feel that in pregnancy. Yes you "could" if you lost the baby, but you know what I mean? Its not a "normal" part of the pregnancy process. With adoption it is....someone is always going to feel & experience pain. Whatever the outcome. :( That makes me sad. I don't want her to hurt. I know she will & has to, don't get me wrong. I know this is just part of it, and will always be apart of adoption in some fashion. I just wasn't expecting to hurt with her I suppose. We are in a unique experience with Leighanne. We both truly think the world of her, she is great, she has such an open warm personality. She talks to strangers & makes them feel like she is their friend....the more & more we are with her, the more & more fond of her we become. So its an odd place to be on this side of things...watching your friend hurt, when you know that you will be the one who gets to celebrate?

Kind of sobering.
She has been having contractions too....doctor is giving her two to three more weeks & she said she expects a baby will be here. *enter freak out* There it is again the free-fall feeling. Ugh. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm so so so excited. I can't wait to see my daughter. I can't wait to put a "big sister" shirt on Ella. I can't wait to see Jeremy love & care for THREE girls. My heart is full.
There is just a stark reality that my friend is going to be in deep deep hurt as we celebrate & that hurts me for her. Phew....I think I might be too old for this. :) Hahah just kidding. I know God is two steps in front of us leading & guiding...and that is all I'm sure of right now.