Slightly Humbled

Its so funny in my life...when things happen or don't happen I'm so quick to say but why? Lord, why? What can I do to see the answer I want to see? What can I do to change this situation? What can I do to make this person see my point of view :) etc etc. But you get my drift.
I read on twitter today from Andy Stanley, he said, "What if God doesn't owe us an explanation? What if he is....God?"
That just stopped me in my tracks. I question, I analyze, I wonder, I try to manufacture....and I never just stop & think about this statement. What if he doesn't owe me an explanation??? Which he DOESN'T, at all. I apparently feel like I'm entitled to one though. Which who am I to question the Creator of this Universe? I have a lot of guts to question Him.
Feeling sightly humbled this morning.

Thanks for your gentle yet powerful corrections Lord.
Love you. <3

Hard Converstations

I don't like having hard conversations. I don't like it even more when my friends or the people I love have to have them with someone. I want to defend, and stand in their way & ward off anyone who is trying to hurt them!
BACK UP! Janna is here & swinging! :)
BUT I love when God shows up & changes people from the inside out & you see Him get the glory!!
YAY! God! Kind of makes the hard conversations worth it....hmmm well...a little more bearable how about that! :)

Blonde again

Oh my.
What have I done.
hahah

For those of you who know me well, you know for the past year I've been trying to grow my hair out to my natural color. Which when I was young my hair was blonde, but as I got older, it just kept getting darker so I started to highlight it....well when I got pregnant with Ella, I decided it was a good time to go all natur-al! :)

I got my hair cut recently & that pretty much cut out all the blonde that I had remaining on the ends of my hair. So thats when I started getting comments about oh wow you dyed your hair brown. Wow you dyed your hair...nothing followed these comments either. haha cracks me up because you know when people don't follow those comments with anything, you know they aren't the biggest fan of the look. Which is fine, I wasn't either, I just wanted to see what my natural color would look like.

So I let it go that way for a month or so...and I just couldn't take it anymore. I would see pictures of me with my dark hair & look in the mirror & was like...eeek that just isn't me. Which is really odd because how can your natural color "not be you??" haha

So of course instead of going to the professionals to get me back to the color I think best suits me...I decide to save some money & have a friend do it.
How many at home dye mistakes do I have to have in order for it to sink in that, I can not do this at home & make it look right.
Well apparently my cheap self needed one more try.

disaster.
wow.
hahahah so I am frantically trying to get into a salon today or tomorrow to fix the mess that I made. But for now, I have my hair pulled as far back away from my face as possible, and so far no one has made one comment! that's a good sign! It might have helped that I wore a really big bulky necklace that is distracting people from looking at my face...but hey! Whatever works! :)

Still Transitioning

Wow...April & May are a blur...I know that there were a couple weeks that Jeremy was in Nepal, I know there was days spent at the pool, and I know that there were pictures taken of Ella...other than that...I can't believe its gone. We are moving into the 11th month of lil Miss Ella's life! I can't believe in a month & a 1/2 we'll be celebrating her 1st birthday! I remember this time last year, like it was yesterday...just waiting her arrival, wondering what she will will like, wondering if I'll be able to adjust to life with a baby. I must say it has been a bigger transition than I anticipated. I just didn't really understand all the emotions, feelings, the changes that take place during this transition. Before you have kids its like, I know I want that, I do! I do! but what you don't know is what comes with it....not bad stuff. I would never trade what I have now to go back to what I did have, but its just a transition.
I feel really sad I missed a huge service at Blue Ridge last night...and it was because we didn't have a sitter to be with Ella...which is totally fine, I enjoyed being home with her...but you don't think about little things like missing out on a 1st Wednesday service because a baby needs to get to bed. :)

I hope you don't think I'm complaining, because I so am not...its just a transition. one that I am embracing & getting used to. one that does have a lot of lonely times too, but one that, again, I wouldn't trade for anything.
Confused yet? hahah

So yeah, a word of encouragement for those who want a different stage of life than they currently have. Don't. Embrace the moments you are in, love the stage you are in, live every moment for the moment it is, because when it does change...you will look back & be like...wow...ok, new phase of life...here we go. (if that makes any sense).

Even in these transitions God has been so sweet to me, and walking me through it all...I feel sometimes like I'm walking with my hands out in front of me and I'm blind, and have no clue where I'm going or what I'm doing, but at the end of the day I can feel him holding my hand & leading me & that's all that matters.

So here is to another day of walking blindly & wondering if I'm the only one in the world that has felt like this with a baby...but I will keep talking & moving forward & just trust that I am doing the right thing.

Magical Mommy Kisses

So this week Ella started pulling up!! She was in her crib last night "going to bed" , and as we were watching her in the monitor, she was really crawling & playing around. All of a sudden, she found the top of the crib & started to pull UP!!! As we were watching this I was yelling to Jeremy to run & get up there in case she really did pull herself up! Just as he was getting to the room she started to pull up again, but didn’t make it because Jeremy got there in time. So needless to say...we need to lower her crib! :)

The pulling up started on Monday; Ella was on the kitchen floor & she grabbed the bottom stair & managed to pull herself up to a standing position! She stood there for a little bit & then fell straight back without bending!!! HAHAHAH poor baby. She cried a lot. :( Of course we went & comforted her, and like any parent trying to help their child learn & grow would do, we had her do it again. This time she stood & did not fall. We were very proud of our girl for doing it again with no tears! :)

I was telling my friend Wade this today, and this was his reply, "Yay Ella! Now you get to give magical mommy kisses that make everything better every time they fall and get hurt." :) :)

My heart did a little leap….I guess I didn’t realize that I am the one who will be that for her. Yes there is Daddy, who brings a different level of strength & security to a little girl…but there is nothing like your Momma, you know? So I just kind of had an “ah-ha” moment….I get to be the one who brings “magical Mommy kisses” to my sweet baby girl. wow. how cool is that!!
I could not feel more honored. What a blessing. I am so filled.
Thank you Lord for this amazingly sweet gift. <3

1st Mothers Day

So the past 3-4 years this has been such a painful day for me....just an in your face reminder that I was not a Mother & was no where close.
I look at where my life has come & the journey it took to get to this day, the first time ever getting to participate in this day as a Mom, and I can't help but look back in awe.
I just remember the pain of wanting something so bad, and not seeing any hope in sight. Having to allow God to take me on this painful journey so I would keep Him in his rightful place. It is not my "right" to have a baby. It's not something He "owes" me either....it doesn't even define who I am....I am a follower of Christ & He defines me & chooses to bless me....and that is what I'm taking from his Mothers Day.
Ella is a constant reminder that my God is faithful, He hear my cries & longings for a baby. He brought me to the end of myself & what I thought I was entitled to & then & only then did he pour out this great gift.
I feel so loved by Him & am in awe of how He constantly reminds me that He loves me & is proud of me.
It's been an amazing day & I'm so filled! <3

Jeremy was so sweet & did an amazing jib celebrating me today too. He for me a bunch of "1st" gifts...and the grand finale was a pair of diamond ear rings!!! WOW!!
He took me to my favorite restaurant for lunch, let me nap, we got Starbucks & are finishing the night with my favorite show....it's been amazing!
I love my God, my husband, and my sweet sweet baby girl Ella.

Happy Mothers Day to my Mom too, you mean more to me than you will ever know! And Happy Mothers Day to my Mother in Law, Tawna....could not have a better Mom #2! thank you for who you are!! Love you guys so much!! <3

Update

It's amazing what one week will bring!
Sunday May 1, 2011 Ella crawled for the very first time & she's been cruising ever since! It's so fun to watch her grow & change!! She changes at such a rapid pace, it's like I don't want to look away from her or I'll miss something.
She is an amazing gift & I'm so thankful to God for being so sweet to me & giving me the desire of my heart. To be a Mother! She blesses us daily!
So thankful!