Cake

Oh Cake.
Dear sweet cake.
You are a fun hobby, but oh so stressful.

For those of you who may not know my blog has everything in it. From what God is teaching me to my kids, to randomness, and to my hobby. I would say making cakes is my hobby. I started two years ago this coming January, and the goal was to make my daughter Ella's 1st birthday. Inspired by Buddy from Cake Boss, love that show by the way, I thought I will try to make a nice cake for Ella. So I started researching & learning. Failing, trying again, dry cakes, not cooked all the way cakes, to the cakes that just go smooth. Her cake was pulled off and I was happy, but I just kept going with it. Not being really strong in the kitchen, I just have found that I really love making them. However, there is no real rhyme or reason to baking....in my kitchen at least. There are so many components to baking if the chemistry is off just a little it will completely change the cake.
Hence the following cake:

Oh this little cake....look at you, you look so sweet and innocent all covered in your fondant & road. 

I had a request to do a "road" scene because this boy was turning two & loves trucks. So I started researching how to put a road in a cake. I thought the hard part was going to be cutting the road in the cake, but carving that was actually pretty painless. So then came the decorating. Normally I make my own fondant, but I thought covering the carved cake out of my fondant would be too hard. (Should not have doubted myself). So I pack up the girls, go to the store, buy the green fondant, get home, get it all rolled out & prepared, and lay it on the cake.......and as it starts to fold over the top to drape down the side of the cake....it starts cracking! UGH. This normally means the fondant is old & not really pliable anymore. So, deep breath, don't freak out, I rip the fondant off. I try to heat it in the microwave a little just to get it some elasticity. Roll it out & try again. AHHH same thing! So I have to rip if off the cake again! This time taking icing & some cake with it. This is why I don't like making cakes. haha :) So I give up for the night & seal it all up and I will work on it the next day. So I make a fresh batch of my fondant and am ready to try again.  Wouldn't you know it...everything goes perfect. Fondant lays out perfect, road goes on great, lines in the road are easy....yeah. Why do I doubt? I just wasted time & money. Sigh. Oh well. Looking at the cake now, on this side of it...seeing the finished product....I LOVE making cakes. During the process though, phew it is very stressful. 

So there you have it....a day in the life of making a cake! Sounds fun, right?? ;) 

The Face

This my friends, is the face of a sweet baby girl that slept through the night for the very 1st time!!  That's right, I said it! After 7 1/2 weeks, the Wilkinson's got their very first solid night of sleep as a family of four! I put Alivia to bed at 10:00pm and she started waking up around 5:45am! 7 hours and 45 minutes...yes I am counting. hahah :)
Needless to say Jeremy & I both woke up very refreshed! Oh lets hope we are on to something!! ♥

Faith & Deeds

It was interesting & not at all an accident, in my last post, the Lord was teaching me about learning to live in freedom. In a couple weeks I am going to be going through the study James, lead by Beth Moore. This is all about having freedom in Christ & what that looks like.

James is my favorite book in the Bible. Always has been. I think its because I think how he thinks. I just want to know how it works, what I should do, and then I want to know how to do it. I don't like this "it’s open for interpretation" kind of thing. I just want to know what to do & then I will do it. Kind of like a robot? Perhaps, but it works for me. :)
I went to training on this study last night, as I am facilitating one of the tables. I cannot tell you how excited I am to get these next 6-7weeks to dig deep into James. Wow. I have a feeling it is going to rock my little world.....not a feeling...I know it will.

This morning as I was just preparing by reading James again; as I intended to read the whole book, I was stopped by James 2:14-24.
The section title is Faith & Deeds. Here it is to read:

14 What good is it, my brothers and sisters, if someone claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save them? 15 Suppose a brother or a sister is without clothes and daily food. 16 If one of you says to them, “Go in peace; keep warm and well fed,” but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
18 But someone will say, “You have faith; I have deeds.”
Show me your faith without deeds, and I will show you my faith by my deeds. 19 You believe that there is one God. Good! Even the demons believe that—and shudder.
20 You foolish person, do you want evidence that faith without deeds is useless[a]? 21 Was not our father Abraham considered righteous for what he did when he offered his son Isaac on the altar? 22 You see that his faith and his actions were working together, and his faith was made complete by what he did. 23 And the scripture was fulfilled that says, “Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness,”[b] and he was called God’s friend. 24 You see that a person is considered righteous by what they do and not by faith alone.

I was going to continue reading…but I couldn't. I was stuck on the part about Abraham. (vs. 21-24). Abraham laid his son on an alter with the full intention he was to kill him, per God. As he raised the knife up to kill him, an angel of the Lord spoke & stopped him. You can read about it in Genesis 22:9-12. I just love this picture James gives us in vs. 22. It says his faith AND actions were working TOGETHER, and his FAITH was made complete by what he did. Then in v.24 it says...a person is justified by what he DOES and NOT by faith alone.

Sometimes I think we, I, get hung up on the “it’s not by works that we are saved” phrase and we stop there & kind of justify our no action at times. Because we know it’s not by what do that saves us, so sometimes I think we can take the approach of, I believe, that’s enough. However, when God increases our faith in a situation; it’s one thing for our faith to be changed & increased....but if we don't ACT or do anything with that faith that he gave us....then it is dead.
I knew this...but it’s one thing to KNOW it and another to LIVE it. Exactly what James is saying.

So for me, it would mean being obedient in the small things in my life..... A real struggle of mine is being self controlled in my eating. I could go on and on about this, but I will keep it short & to the point. This has always been a struggle. Vulnerable moment here: I was made fun of all the time; elementary school, junior high, and even in high school about my weight. So as you imagine this constant thing has loomed over me since I remember the first incident in 4th grade. It formed who I thought I was, it formed who I thought people thought I was, it formed how I lived my life! Having faith that God is who he said he was, but not really doing anything with that. Until one day 8 years ago, God grabbed a hold of my shoulders & shook me & said…THIS IS NOT WHO YOU ARE! HE defines me. Not the scale. Not people. He alone does. He has taught me a lot about myself & being controlled by food….carbs especially. There I said it. Seriously though, if I could live off carbs alone I would. That is all I would eat, but I know what it does to my body & I know that I am not living out my faith when I chose to eat bread instead of a vegetable. I KNOW THIS. So when I make those choices to give in to what I want (oh so yummy carbs)...then in essence the faith that he has given me & increased over the years....is dead. If I can't even put a small thing like being obedient to God in what I put in my mouth, then how can I be obedient in the big things? Hear me, this is not a post on weight; don’t miss the big picture of what he is trying to say here.

God is showing me that being obedient in the small things, like making a healthy choice...is one way of how to daily live in freedom. To take those moments where we can choose to obey or standstill, and MOVE into them....and that is when I/we will be justified by what I do and not just by our faith alone.

Truly living in freedom.

Our Chains ARE Gone!

I've been sitting on something for a few weeks now. Just thinking & trying to put it into words.
A couple weeks ago, I was able to make it to the morning session of the women's retreat that the women's ministry hosted from our church. Before the session began we were singing a song by Kari Jobe. Here are some of the Lyrics:

So faithful. So constant. 
So loving and so true.
So powerful in all You do.

You fill me. You see me. 
You know my every move
and You love for me to sing to You.

I know that You are for me. 
I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never, 
forsake me in my weaknesses

I know that You have come now, 
even if to write upon my heart.
To remind me who You are.

So patient, So gracious, 
So merciful and true…
So wonderful in all You do. 
You know me. You see me.
You know my every move. 
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me.

Man just sitting & letting those words marinate in my heart does something to me. For the first time I can FULLY say...I DO know He is for me. Truly. I believe it! Please don't hear that its because I have what I've dreamt of, or that I am well & healthy, or for any other reason than....He TRULY is for me. He is so faithful. Absolutely constant; when I am a chaotic mess! I just love those words. They speak my heart completely.

So after that women's retreat a week or so later, I went to Thirsty. For those of you who don't know its a worship service we have on the 3rd Friday of every month at our church. One of the songs we sang there was one I've heard many many times, but this time it sank in...we sang, Amazing Grace. In light of what happened in my heart at the women's retreat the words to this song sank in like they never had before...read this:

My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy reigns
Unending love, Amazing grace

Think about this...those words were written by the English poet & clergyman, John Newton. They came from his own personal experience. If you have time & are interested, read on it here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amazing_Grace
its truly fascinating!  Part of his story was, he was involved in the Atlantic slave trade back in 1748. So if you can imagine this man having many encounters, no doubt brutal, with these slaves that were in chains. Think about what he experienced & what he saw. Crazy.
The definition of a captive is: "someone held against their will." Can you just picture it? All these people chained up against their will.....or if you are a modern day thinker, think about those sweet kids being sold in slavery right now!
Then....one day....someone comes along & takes the key and sets them free. Takes their chains away! After all those years of torment & torture....They are FREE.....It just brings a whole new level to that song.

Then.
As I was singing that song the Lord gave me a picture. Of me. Ugh here we go.
Every time I give into that "one thing" that is so tempting, or the thing I KNOW I'm not supposed to do but do it, or that snappy response I give to my husband when I don't want to respond nicely, or the attitude I give coworkers...on and on.....in essence what I'm doing is putting my chains & shackles back on. Every time.
I just picture it like this: when I make those choices to disobey the Lord, even in the smallest of things, I'm taking those chains & put them back on my wrists & say...."No Lord being chained to this wall is SO much better than just a simple yes to you."

Are you kidding me?
This is how I live.  People! I am crazy. I mean truly crazy. Who does that?? Who would deliberately choose this??
What would it be like to live out life in such a way that we never put our chains & shackles back on??? To truly live in Freedom! I think sometimes its so hard for me to take the chains off because I don't know what it looks like to really be free. Like these struggles are just "what I  know" and "who I am." Or so the lies go that I have been told, and listened to.

2Timothy 2:26 says, "and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will."

..."And then will come to their senses." Wow.
I am free. YOU are free. WE are free! I have no clue what that looks like on a daily basis, but I'm committed to find out! Lead on Lord!
♥

Four weeks

Wow. Four weeks goes really fast.

I start back to work on Monday. I don't have a choice but to be ready...so I am preparing myself to be ready...but I'm not really ready. 

See something happened in these past four weeks that I didn't anticipate. Community. I was able to be with women I love. A lot! I got to spend time with them, letting them pour into me, and me into them. Man how I've missed this and didn't even realize it. Its been almost a solid year since I was actively doing "community" with people. Yes I have my core friend group & that that is how I get filled up too, but what I'm talking about is....doing the down right dirty life with people. Walking through muck & the mud. The yuck & the great stuff. Just being surrounded with people who pursue Jesus with their whole heart. Being in environments where you pray together for a goal, for the common good of something great to happen.

I took a step out of serving in the high school room last October. With having a one year old, serving in the high school room...which isn't just a place you serve on Sunday then are done kind of ministry,  working full time, and then all the while trying to be a good wife and mom by serving my family; I was trying to balance all these plates & I was just flat out failing. They were wobbling out of control & I had no clue what to do or what to give up. I couldn't give back my child or family. I couldn't quit my job...so the only thing that I knew to do was to step out of the high school room. For this year I knew that was the right choice. I do not believe this was ever meant to be a forever thing of stepping out of these types of environments. In fact, I know that is and should not be the case. The New Testament is all about the church & doing life together, so I know that is Gods heart beat, but I also think there are seasons. This was a season I got to invest in Ella...aka: let my hormones balance themselves back out & feel NORMAL again. :) But it was a great & needed year for me. Besides going through an adoption & trying to serve in that high pace of environment just would not have gone well. I would have exploded for sure. 

But, I had no idea what a sweet gift these past four weeks would be either. Number one, just purely because I wasn't hormonal with Alivia, this has been THE BEST transition into a newborn by far. Gosh I just feel great! I'm not healing, I'm not emotional for no reason, I can do things still, I can play with Ella, I can love on Alivia & enjoy her smiling at me daily, I can clean & cook & just be NORMAL. Ugh its been amazing on that side of it. But then on the other side of it.....like I said above, I got to be in community again. I have hung out one on one with more people these past four weeks than I have in probably a year...I am sure of it....and you know what....I feel SO FILLED UP. I miss community. The doing life, getting dirty, working through the crap, loving each other still...being there for each other, just knowing things about each other because you have spent TIME together. Even if it means the good, the bad, or the best things. I need community. 

While I think that transition time was a time to just get my bearings on things and transition into what life would be like as our "new normal" with a baby....I think that time is coming to an end. I know it is...I feel it. I feel like I'm that bug that in the pitch black night, sees a light & is just just drawn to it & has to latch on.....and just like Peter I will look to the Lord for direction & to calm the seas I stand on. He knows my hearts desire. I have no doubt He will make something happen. It feels good to be on the verge of something that He is doing.....excited to see what is around the corner. 

But for now...I will walk into work on Monday with my head held high, and be ready to love the people I work with the best I can. ♥ 

A lot like Peter

These past few months, when I describe how I have been doing to people when asked, it usually goes something like, "When I am focused on the Lord I am good, but when I take my eyes off him I just get frantic & panicky. I feel out of control & fearful."
I am a person that likes my schedule & routine. I need time by myself. Not a lot of time, but just enough so I can recharge & refuel. My husband refuels by being around people. Not me. I like people yes, but I need that alone time too. So the past new weeks I have been just finding myself in this frantic state. If you could picture it, it would look a lot like someone in a swimming pool that doesn't know how to swim & their arms are flailing about. I just feel out of sorts. So I made a very intentional effort to get out of bed, even on little sleep, to spend time with the Lord. Which if it gets past 7am, my opportunity for this alone time is shot, so I have to get up early if I want this time.
The Lord is sure funny how he does things. He brought me to the passage in Matthew 14:22-33. If you have time read it to give the full context of what I'm referring to. You are probably familiar with this passage, but if you aren't, Jesus walks on water to the boat where His disciples are. It says it was during the fourth watch of the night, so after some research, that meant it was between the hours of 3am - 6am. Jesus came walking out to them on the water. It also says it was very windy. So picture it...you are asleep, or at least in a foggy eyed state from it being so early in the morning, to which I'm assuming they didn't sleep much....you see this man walking on water, all the while the wind & waves are doing their crazy thing. Um freaky. Yes. So in verse 26 when it says, "When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost" they said, and cried out in fear." you can imagine why they responded this way.
As sweetly as he always does, Jesus says, "Take courage! it is I. Don't be afraid." Then comes my favorite part, and the part that resonates the most with me.

²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
²⁹ “Come,” he said.
Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. ³⁰ But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”
³¹ Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
³² And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. ³³ Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God."

I love this. I love that God gave this picture to me, because this is exactly how I am. I say ok Lord, do this. If you want "this" to happen do it. Whatever the "this" is in that moment, I say ok do it Lord. So he does....and just like Peter I walk out, but then I take a look at my surroundings & freak out & start to get all panicky & become that flailing swimmer! Time & time again, Jesus reaches out his hand & catches me, and reminds me how little my faith really is.

This adoption has been a true test of my faith again. Little by little & with each thing he brings me through, my faith is a bit more strengthened & I can walk in confidence knowing he is there. BUT I have to keep my eyes focused on him. Looking him straight in the eye, not at my feet or to the sides, but straight at him, and all the rest calms down. 
So thankful for this example of Peter. 
We go to court tomorrow to gain guardianship of Alivia. 
My oh my how this is going to come in handy. Good reminder & timing Lord! ♥! 

Recap

Well for those of you who do not know....our Alivia Peyton was born on July 29th, at 12:06pm! She weighed 7lbs exactly, and was 20 1/4" long.
It was a whirl wind to say the least, and had our Internet not been down for the past 5 days I would have posted sooner.
It was a Sunday morning, as I was sitting in the 1st service a friend came & got me & told me it was time. She had talked to Leighanne & her contractions were 5minutes apart. So as we were driving to pick up Leighanne, I got a call from her. She was a bit frantic as her water had just broke! I tried to reassure her that it would all be alright & that we were almost there.
Fast forward....we get to the hospital around 10:30am. There is a bit of check in time that needs to happen so Leighanne was back there with a friend & me & my other friend were just going to camp out in the lobby until it she was a bit farther along and was time to go back. So around 11, I went to the cafeteria to get us some lunch. Even called Jeremy to say not to rush over to the hospital. you know how births are....they take some time...we assumed we would meet Alivia by that evening...but had no clue what was about to take place.
As Noelle & I sit down to eat our lunch, we get about 5 bites into it, and we get the call!
"SHE IS PUSHING! COME NOW!"
You can imagine my panic! I was like WHAT?!?! WHAT?? PUSHING??? Its only been an hour since we arrived!!! So Noelle & I leave our food & drink there in the lobby & run back! It was 11:51 at this point....5 pushes & 15min later, at 12:06pm Alivia was here!!!
It was a shock to say the least & we had NO clue it would be that quick! Jeremy arrived at the hospital at 12:13. :)
It was such a gift, Leighanne wanted me to be the 1st on to hold her, so that was an awesome gift. Jeremy was the 2nd to hold her, then Leighanne held her. The hospital stay went just wonderfully & we could not be more thankful to the Lord for bring just a peace & comfort to the whole situation. Extended family on both sides of the biological parents came to the hospital, and it was just all so wonderful. :) Could not have asked for better people to walk this journey with! Praise be to God for working it all out! All anxiety & fears, were instantly erased. It was a wonderful day.

We could not feel more blessed! We have an amazing beautiful daughter & a friend that we get to walk the rest of this road with bonded forever. Love that. God is so good to me, to us! ♥

Now for the next four weeks I get to pretend what it would be like to be a stay at home mom to my two girls. August 27th is going to be a really sad day, when I have to go back to work. But for now....here is to being a stay at home Mom! :)