Gate Open

My husband and I went out of town for a night this weekend. We were celebrating our 12th wedding anniversary. Our friends kept our girls overnight so we could go and just be together. We had a wonderful time! We walked the shops, went to a nice dinner, and then to a movie! This used to be a pretty regular thing we did pre-kids…and it felt good to just be together doing what we loved. While walking around we went to this really neat store. It was called Alter’d State. Here is the website: http://www.altardstate.com/ The store is best described as Urban Outfitters meets Anthropologie. I loved it. As we were walking around I saw this: 

Live like someone left the gate open. Amazing. If you are a dog owner you know exactly what this means! If you aren’t, think about it. What happens when a gate is left open to a dog who has been pinned up in the back yard all day? They BOLT! They run out of the gate that has been left open so fast. They don’t look back, they run! Unrestrained, unrepressed, uninhibited, free, wild and brave. No fear. Sniffing, smelling, exploring, on the go to find the next thing, smell, taste, sight. The sky is the limit. 

I loved the picture of this saying. “Live like someone left the gate open.” I want this to be true of me. Not that I’m reckless, but that I’m uninhibited. Free. Grounded in my convictions of where I’m going. Confident in a God that is lead and nothing is going to hold me back to what I feel like God is asking of me. Running. Bolting. Exploring. Being BRAVE. Unrepressed.Living! Wouldn’t life look a lot different if we all did this. Letshave a little fun with life. The older we get I think the less fun we have. That shouldn’t be. Lets do something that is young, and free. Unexpected, but bringing glory to God. Oh to live like someone left the gate open! xo

Grief

Grief is a wicked monster. I can now say I do not like it at all. At all. It becomes such a lonely place when you are feeling the anxiety and despair of grief. You feel alone--even if someone is right beside you--you feel scared and are grasping for anything to make you feel better.

What I have discovered so far is that expecting someone to act the way you want them to act is not fair. And expecting them to fix your hurt is not fair either. Grief brings with it so many waves of emotion and some times anger is the first one to come out in me. "I need to feel better and you're not doing the things I expect you to do so that I can feel better." These are some expectations that have surfaced already in me. 

Grief also makes you feel a little crazy. If I have the hope of eternal life why am I sitting on this floor in a ball weeping my eyes out? So then I feel crazy like I don't have enough faith and it's just this endless cycle of fear loneliness and despair until the wave passes over you. Then it's calm again. 

Grief is a nasty horrible monster. Did I say I don't like it? Well I don't. At all. It hurts and the first weeks of it are beyond description. 

So I have been doing what I know to do and that is reach out to others that have experienced grief themselves. That has been so incredibly helpful. To have someone empathise with you. To fully understand this "wave" you are talking about. And to hear that it doesn't last forever. The waves slow down over time and aren't as wicked and I'm thankful for that. I have also been told to not rush past the grief. To feel it, let it out, move through it and allow it to move through you. That takes courage, and I'm a coward I'm finding out. 

But I'm also finding out that I am not without hope and this is what that means. When a wave comes, I call out and my Jesus is there to hold my hand. He is the one who comforts me, his word is what makes a light for the path when it seems as though darkness is over taking you. He is the one who calms all anxiety and fear. He is the one that is going to fill and heal what is broken in me. And that, I can be sure of. I was praying and I felt like he said to me, Janna I have been trustworthy up until this point in your life, why would I not be trustworthy in death too? And that's a good question. And one that brings me back into focus. 

My God is good. 

My God did hear our prayers asking Him to take my Dad home before he was on a feeding tube and bed ridden.

My God did honor my moms fears of finding him dead in her house, she didn't have to see him at all, the coroner came to HER. 

My God is sweet. He is so caring and compassionate even in death. Even in the wicked state that is grief. 

And my God has brought his boy home and he is rejoicing and healed and whole.  It's hard to grieve that. 

But I do miss my Dad. A lot. Deeply and painfully so much. 

I will see him again and that is the anchor I hold on to. 

Would you?

A lot has been running through my mind these past few weeks. A lot about life, and what happens when we die. In my heart I know....two options...heaven or hell. But quite honestly when I let my thoughts run rampant and I let my mind wander, I start to get really freaked out. I am a planner. I like a schedule. I like a plan. I like to know what is coming and what is (semi) controllable, or at least a small semblance of controllable.....heaven does not offer that. Ha! It's totally unknown! It's wide open space that I have no clue or context about.....at all (clearly because I have not been). But my Dad has.....what is he doing?? What is happening RIGHT NOW!? Why when he took his last breath did he say, "I have to go now." Was God there? Jesus? Was it an angel?? I also have a huge problem with "needing to know." Ha! My mind goes all over and I feel this free fall feeling in my gut that isn't controllable and that freaks me out even more.
I'm a mess.
This past few weeks as I've been wrestling these thoughts, God as gently been reminding me of this, "Janna you love me, you do anything for me, you know me...so why am I trustworthy in life, but not in death?" And then I weep. The answer? I don't know.
I know in my head the answer is supposed to be, "you are Lord."
Then I think about that question.....is he Trustworthy....always??
What if it cost something?
What if he asks something so huge of you and you don't know if you can do it? What if he asks you to move? Away from your family, away from comfort, away from what you've always known? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to give up that dream job (the dream pay check) for the sake of following him into ministry? What if he asks you to lay down your right to bear your own children? Is he trustworthy then? What if he asks you to move over seas and start a ministry? What if he asks you to take the biggest leap of your life, would you?
My heart says yes, but when it's a true reality, and these things are smack in your face, in my human-ness my mind says no. It's too scary.
Oh Lord let our faith be faith that isn't dependant on our circumstances. Let our faith be built on you and you alone not because we are codependent on the people you've placed in our lives. Let our yes to you be because we love and TRUST you, in life.....and in death. Let our yes to you be because we are so grounded in the Word that we can but only say yes....even when it cost something. Something huge.
You see, it's real easy to say yes when there isn't anything to sacrifice. I think this is where the rubber meets the road, in the thick of life. When things aren't cookie cutter. When things are messy, when things aren't "controllable." So what about you? If he asked some thing big of you....would you?

I'm not sure where you are in life right now, but this I'm sure of...He is trustworthy. He is trustworthy in life and my journey is one that shouts that loudly. And even though I still get those butterfly feelings in the pit of my gut thinking about the unknown of death....if he is trustworthy in life, then of course he is even more trustworthy in death. And for that I'm thankful.

Some verses that have brought me comfort that my sweet husband wrote down for me are these:

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. (‭Proverbs‬ ‭3‬:‭5-6‬ NIV

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (‭John‬ ‭16‬:‭33‬ NIV)

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. (‭Philippians‬ ‭4‬:‭6‬ NIV)

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? (‭John‬ ‭14‬:‭1-2‬ NIV)

Finding Peter

Well like my last blog post said...let's be like Peter....I've had just such an opportunity. My father passed away yesterday. If you've kept up with my blog at all you know he had MSA. I honestly thought, since we have been going through this "not knowing when he will pass" stage for 4 years...I thought I was prepared for it. I certainly was not. I have never cried like that ever. Like from the depths deep grieving. Oh I was and am so sad. I am so so glad he is celebrating with God, has a new body, and there is no more MSA. I guarantee he is wearing God out with questions though! Why did you do this, why did it have to be like this....haha I can remember him saying, I can't wait to meet and talk to Paul, Abraham and meet everyone. And now he gets to. I'm so glad there is no more suffering. Even in this God has answered so many of our prayers. My husband text me this & thought it was appropriate to focus on what we are thankful for.

(Our friend) Judson said I should write down all the places I have seen God move already and am grateful for ...so we don't forget:

-Joan didn't have to find him
-His death was an answer to Joan, Janna and Dan's prayer...so he didn't have to waste away
-He never had to go to the doctor to learn how to die...feeding tube...being flipped on a bed
-The man who found him & tried to resuscitate him came back to share with Joan Dans last mins
-Dan didn't die alone, choking
-He was coherent...and said "I need to go" to the man.
-That Jeremiah got a job back in Colorado
-That he got to spend the last 6 months with them
-That Dan and Amanda were here for dinner
-That Dan and Amanda's son Alex insisted on bringing over cookies they could decorate...distracted Ella and Liv while Janna cried
-Janna had a flight for Tuesday already so we weren't frantic to find a new one
-That's Jannas last memories of her dad aren't of irritation...or of cleaning up a mess...but of him making us egg sandwiches...& Christmas...throwing dad on concrete! (This was an accident!) ;)
-For friends who came over and prayed for us
-Flight miles from Luke and Steph
-Breakfast from Luke and Steph
- Luke and Steph paid for the ticket
-Joe offering his flight miles
-Found Janna a new ticket
-Drew called and said if money was and issue that some friends wanted to help
-That we both have jobs that tell us to take our time
-My mom and dad are willing to help us
-People that offer cars to take out there
-Steph taking Janna and Ella to the airport
-Kellie and Micheal took Liv so I can speak
-Staff and friends offer to take me to the airport
-People that just drop by

But most of all...Dan is in heaven with God right now celebrating and worshiping the Creator of the Universe...and  that there is no more pain...MSA...drugs.

And we will see him again. 

Oh I'm so glad. This is not a loss without hope. We have a hope in Jesus and he offers eternal life. 

So thankful for that. 

And I can't wait to hug my Mom and Brother.

So here is my moment; to find the Peter in me. This is my Peter moment when I am out on the water and the wind and waves are crashing around me. Am I going to get overwhelmed and let them consume me or am I going to keep my eyes on Jesus and keep walking?
Well Jesus the best I can--I'm keeping my eyes on you. Not sure how else I'd make it through this. 

Walk!

This past weekend I had the opportunity to go hear Beth Moore speak at Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City—to which I have never been. I love going new places, seeing new things, and if history can be thrown into the mix—I’m a happy happy girl! So little piece of history for you—did you know! Boardwalk hall has been home to the Miss America Pageant since 1921!!! How cool is that! I sat in the very place that, for 94 years, girls have walked that very stage in hopes of becoming the next Miss America! Really cool! I am a girlie girl so that resonates with me—for some of you, it won’t. ha! 

I just love history and I love learning about new things and reading facts…it fills me up. So while we were at the conference and digging into the Word; (More history; Love!) Beth Moore was speaking about 5 different scenes in the Bible, all of which included water. Water is so significant because many rights of passages throughout the Bible included water. I think it’s safe to suggest thatwater symbolizes movement. 

Movement is all throughout the Bible too—God was/is always moving us to new places with him, and our journeys should always involve movement. When we choose to halt and stop moving in our walks with Him that is not his will. 

Matthew 14:22-32 is all about movement. I'm sure many of us are familiar with this text, but let's allow the spirit to reveal something new as we read. 

In this passage we find Jesus with the 12 disciples. They were on the Sea of Galilee when Jesus made them get into a boat ahead of him then it says He went on a mountainside to pray. 

vs 24 says “the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.” Buffeted means, to strike against, or push repeatedly….so there was some weather happening. 

Then it goes on to say during the 4th watch of the night; which would be around 3-6a.m. Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. Lets just stop there for a minute and draw attention to two things so far: 

1. The disciples were on a boat a considerable ways away from the shore on the Sea of Galilee—that Jesus made them get into and he was nowhere to be seen. 

2. The time Jesus was walking on the water was around 3-6a.m…..I don’t know about you but at 3-6am I am sleeping! As I would assume they were too or at least trying to! Maybe not because of the weather, at which case I’m sure they were exhausted! 

So ok we have those two things to consider so they are out there on the boat, in the middle of the sea, to which Jesus put them on the boat, the wind and the waves are crashing around them….its the middle of the night….and then Jesus enters—walking.on the.water. Go with me here….he was WALKING on the water! People! This is like night of the living dead, Halloween, ghost stuff happening right now. I would be freaking OUT. Right!? Walking on the water, you are stressed from the weather, tired from the hour of day it is, and then you see JESUS WALKING on the water?! Are you kidding me?! Nuts. 

So lets keep reading….

vs. 26 “When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified.” Well good! At least I am not the only one. “…it’s a ghost!, they said, and cried out in fear.” Um hello! Yes! Correct response! 

Vs. 27 “But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

This is significant because in Greek, when Jesus is saying “It is I.” He is referencing Exodus 3:14, when he is telling Moses “I am who I am.”  So Jesus was giving his name authority here. Saying it is I! 

Vs. 28 “Lord, if it is you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

At first glance this seems as if Peter is testing Jesus, but if you look in context what is really happening is, he was acknowledging the fact that Jesus is I AM. Then Jesus replies…..

Vs. 29 “Come.” He said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.”

Come. That tiny little word, changes everything…...keeping in mind there are the other 11 disciples still on the boat; Peter was the only one bold enough to actually step out. And he too—WALKED on the WATER. Can you imagine being him?? Jesus just called you out, wind still whipping, imagine him taking that first step of raising his leg out on the water, then you have to take the other one out. Don’t you think he was like swishing his leg around thinking—ok when is my foot going to hit something solid….it does, then you have to stand up….on the water! THEN you actually start walking—toward Jesus. Is this hitting anyone else like it did me!? Holy Crow. What a moment. Lets keep going….

Vs. 30 “But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

Vs. 31a “Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him.” I just love that it says immediately. Not he let him get all the way under then grabbed him….immediately! It shows such care and compassion that Jesus has for us. I love that. 

Vs. 31b “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

There are so many lessons we can learn from this passage, Peter’s bold faith when the others stayed in the boat (who weren’t wrong for doing so), we learn about the love and compassion of Jesus. 

I think for me the main thing was this: 

We are all on a boat and Jesus is inviting us out of that boat. We aren’t wrong if we stay in the boat, he loves us either way, but he is INVITING us into something deeper. A deeper trust. A deeper dependency. A deeper love. A deeper experience that will touch the height of the human existence…if we step out.

Our crisis of faith will be that we do not trust that He can use us. We believe it for everyone else….but ourselves. The disciples knew God was able; they just didn’t believe He could make THEM able. 

I am this exact way….I am your biggest fan and supporter. I will cheer you on in the faith like no one else. I’ll challenge you to keep stepping out of that boat, and keep moving forward, but for Him to use me in that powerful way….I doubt. Yes, there are times I become like Peter. I get the gumption to take the step out of the boat, but then….I take my eyes off Jesus and when I “come to” and realize I am standing on water, I get scared and overwhelmed and let the reality of the situation hit me, and I quickly jump back into that boat. 

Lets not be like that!—Lets learn from Peter. Lets keep our eyes on Him and STAY on the water!! 

Is God calling you to something you are afraid of? Is he asking you to step out of your boat? Won’t you? Won’t you be bold and brave like Peter? I know you will, and when you do…..Don’t you dare lose that gaze on Jesus! Don’t you look to the right or to the left, you keep your eyes on Him, and you WALK!

WALK! Boldly on that water! 

He IS with us!! 

Praying your heart is encouraged as much as mine was. xo

36, Workouts, & Whiplash

What does 36, working out, and whiplash all have in common you ask? Me.

That's what, it has me!!

I started a new workout program, which will go unnamed, but it's the hardest program I have ever done. Truly. I started week two of month two yesterday and today I sit here with whiplash! Yes. My 36 year old self.....has whiplash. Frommmm aaaa burpee.......Unbelievable. 

Apparently I was trying to keep up with the insanely fast, and insane amount of burpee's being done on the video....resulting in whiplash. One may speculate I am a wild woman and can only imagine the scene of me fiercely doing burpees that could cause said whiplash---I say, I'm competitive and was pushing to keep up with the -more-toned-than-I'll-ever-be-cute little girl- who was pushing as hard as she could....and is probably 15 years my junior!!! 

Let it be known, I am 36, and have self inflicted whiplash.....from a workout. 

All I can do is laugh....but it hurts....but I laugh. Oh these old bones....

6 Months Left

Dear Dad,

I have been thinking, and I have known I needed to write you a letter to express my heart, but for obvious reasons haven’t wanted to face this and have been in denial. But I thought it was time to pull it together to share with you some of the fond memories I have of you and what I remember growing up.

I think some of my very first memories started in that apartment in Cheyenne. I can’t even remember how old I was, but I so clearly remember the day when you ran in with your hair permed. Haha we talked about this the last time I was there, but I just remember you running in, covering your head, and spending time in the shower scrubbing the chemical out!  So funny.

Around that same time I remember, you me and Jeremiah riding in the car together and you were being silly and you said you were “sleeping while driving.” You had one eye shut and I just remember being so amazed at how you were able to drive “with your eyes closed!!” I remember feeling “wow, my dad is cool! How does he DO that!!?” 

Other memories from Cheyenne were….I think we had a membership or just went to an indoor pool and one of my favorite memories of you was when you would play “shark” with me in the baby pool! Haha I remember screaming and trying as fast as I could to get away from you before you “ate” me. What fun, I loved that and had so much fun doing that with you.

I remember going to the baseball fields when you and mom were on a team with the church and watching you play, you loved it. I still remember you smiling and laughing.

I remember times at Harvest Time, even before the new building was built. We were in the older section & I remember being held by you in one of the services and remember you and mom singing praise songs. One thing growing up, that I used to be –a little embarrassed by—was that I didn’t have this “major life story.” One that was for the movies or some traumatic, dramatized, damaged story where you came to Christ and life was TOTALLY different. My story starts with, “I was born and raised in a Christian family….” And in my college years I really held onto that start of my story with pride! I am SO proud that I was born and raised in a Christian family. I am so glad my life didn’t have drama, or trauma, or something super tragically painful. I am so proud that my parents were following Christ and invited me into that journey as well. Its one area I take pride in with my girls—they GET to be born and raised in a Christian home….that doesn’t happen much anymore. So thank you. That is the best gift you could ever have given me, and now to my girls. Ok…back to the memories….

I remember the old house on VanBuren—specifically I remember when we would watch The Wizard of Oz, anytime that mean wicked witch came on the screen, I remember running into your arms and new I was protected and was consoled. She terrified me.

I remember times at dinner when I was in 1st grade and I would tell you stories of how I beat 5th graders at tetherball and how you would give me pointers on how to hit it so it would go over their heads—and it worked!! I rocked at tetherball! 

Then I remember the decision to move to Denver. I was so scared. I didn’t want to leave Cheyenne, and my friends, and what I knew. But we did it, and I know I was young, but I never regretted it.

In my story I say Denver is “where I grew up,” and it was. I was 10, and lived there till I was 21…I did a lot of growing up there.I remember the times you would come in our beds to wake us up and you would put your hands on our chests and shake us and tickle us. I loved and hated that! Haha but you know what—I do that to my girls now too! 

I remember going to the restaurants you managed and was so proud that you were my dad. I remember being impressed that you lead people, and you lead them well.

I remember times when you would sit down with me and I had questions about the bible—you would always take time to answer those for me, and I so appreciated that time. I looked (and still do) up to you so much because of the knowledge you had of the bible. I remember saying all the time, “My dad says in the bible….” Or “My dad told me about this story in the bible….” That made a huge impact on me.

There were times when I was 7 or 8 and I remember so vividly going through a stage where I was terrified you and mom were going to die. I remember in the middle of the night coming into your room and you would just talk me through it, and comfort me. You always pointed it back to God and said to pray and ask God to take that fear from me, when I start feeling that way, and he did. But I loved that I could come into your room and you didn’t get mad or put off by me, but were there to comfort me.

One of my most favorite memories of junior high, and a story I STILL tell often was: I remember coming into your room with my pants tight rolled at the bottom. You said to me, “Janna why do you wear your pants like that, you know its going to go out of style, right??” I remember the SHOCK and HORROR I felt when you said that and I whipped my head around and said, “DAD!!! This will NEVER go out of style!” hahaha I still crack up at that. Sure enough when I went to high school, the first day of 9th grade, I saw all the upper classmen did not have their pants tight rolled…..QUICKLY I took the rolls out and have not done it since! Haha I love that story. “DAD! This will never go out of style!!!!” Haha oh youth, right?

I remember times when I was sitting at the table doing math homework and I was so frustrated.  You came over, took time to help me and we figured it out together. I so appreciate times like that.

I even remember times when you had to discipline us, even in that, spanks were controlled, methodical, and lovingly done. I never once questioned your love for me—even in that.

There are so many memories of me coming to you for advice, and really listening to your wisdom. Almost everything I did was—I wonder what my dad would think.

What memories.

Then the memories of calling and saying, “Hey Mom, Hey Dad….I’m moving to Virginia…..” and you know, that was the moment where all the training, all the teaching, and the guidanceyou guys gave had come to ahead. You raised a good girl. You raised a girl that is more in love with Jesus now, than she ever has been. You raised a girl that is running hard toward Him, and delights in obeying Him. You raised a girl that was confident enough to know that it was more than a flippant decision to move across the country—it was a girl grounded in her faith, who trusted the unknown, because she was confident her God was with her—wherever she went. That says a lot about your character Dad.

Then come the memories of the wedding day, and the first baby, then the 2nd baby, then the holiday memories, and vacationmemories. I am so glad you are my Dad. You were handpickedfor ME! God knew I would need you in my life, he knew I would need to see the example of someone in the word, reading and learning more about who God is. God knew I would need a Dad that comforts yet had fun with us. God knew I would need a Dad that was so crafty with his hands and can make or fix just about anything. God knew I would need a Dad that was sensitive, and caring. God knew I would need a Dad that would walk out a terminal illness well. It’s a hard place to be right now. I am overwhelmed with waves of emotion as I think….the time is coming….then on the other hand I’m so excited for you Dad. All that training all that guidance all that knowledge—will soon become a reality. Its hard to grieve that. Its hard to want you to stay when we know what is coming—a new body, perfected, no pain, no illness, basking in the glory that is the One who Created all. And I get excited for you.

Its not over Dad, you are still here, I am praying you live every day you have to the fullest. I pray you would leave not one thing unsaid or undone. I pray you would press in like never before and lean into the one who made you, crafted, & created you. He’s not done with you yet, there is more to come, but for now; most of all, I pray you bask in the reality of the legacy you are leaving behind. Its been a good life—a full, rewarding, fun, life. You have taught all of us so much, and every season you have been in, you have left your personal mark on the people you have encountered. You are leaving a legacy that is being carried down to my girls, and prayerfully to their kids, then to their kids…..on and on. All because you CHOSE to live your life grounded and rooted in the Truth. That is a legacy I PRAY I leave as well.

You are so loved, and so special. You are perfectly & purposefully made.

I love you so so much Dad. ❤️

Janna