Well today its official: I am back at work, off of maternity leave.
And
Jeremy left for a week long missions trip to Nicaragua.
I took Jeremy & four others to the airport this morning at 4a.m. so they could board their plane. I always play these things kind of tough. I never wanted to be that wife that can't sleep with out her husband, or couldn't function if he is away...and while I most certainly CAN sleep with him gone, and I for sure am able to function fine...my heart still is sad. I don't like being with out him. I love being around him, and having him to come home to each night...its what makes my life fun.
So to send him off is hard, almost every time, but makes the return that much sweeter!
And the double whammy part of this day comes in that, I started back to work today. No more snuggle time with Ella 24/7. This also makes my heart sad. So this morning as I was getting ready I had a couple break downs....the biggest one being right AFTER I put on my make up. awe.some. haha Gotta love that.
But I got to work & was actually able to talk with Jeremy quite a bit today because he was traveling & still in the States till about 4pm...so that was good. Then I did the work thing...and I tell ya...if I didn't love my job I would not be back at work. The people are fantastic and this job just suits me. I love it. So that helped being back today...I'm sure once I'm all settled back in it will hit me & I'll have some rough days...but all in all it was a great day.
Until I got home....
Seeing Ella was so sad. It reminded me that I hadn't been with her all day. My heart ached. Jeremy's Mom, Tawna, is here & so I stuffed it until I got upstairs to change out of work clothes...and as I held Ella....I lost it. My heart hurts that I can't be with her everyday. I know its for the best that I go back to work & we need my insurance...but man it wasn't with out tears.
So I'm hoping each day brings a little less ache & that I'm just able to cherish & drink in the moments we do get with each other...even if it is only four hours a day. :(
Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Cry it out
So Ella has been fighting sleep lately, so tonight we decided to let her cry it out. We said after 20 min we would go get her....well 2 minutes into it I wanted to go get her! Haha listening to your baby cry, even though you KNOW they are just fighting sleep, is really hard! :(
But I finally made it to the 20 minute mark & she was starting to fade, but would ramp herself up again, so I went in & picked her up & put her pacifier back in her mouth....and now she's out!
Who knew I'd be such a marshmallow! Maybe I can last longer next time, but man letting her cry it out is easier said than done!
Night everyone! <3
But I finally made it to the 20 minute mark & she was starting to fade, but would ramp herself up again, so I went in & picked her up & put her pacifier back in her mouth....and now she's out!
Who knew I'd be such a marshmallow! Maybe I can last longer next time, but man letting her cry it out is easier said than done!
Night everyone! <3
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Thirty-Two
Today I turn 32. So crazy. It is so funny to look back at things & think of my dreams & desires....and to sit here...on my birthday to reflect & see how the Lord answered my prayers. He has been so faithful to me...just required my trust in Him. It is a daily struggle still sometimes to let him lead me...but boy when I do...does he bless me in ways I never even dreamed of!
I'm so thankful for another year with my amazing husband, and for the chance to live this life with our new baby girl. So here is to another year, of laying myself down & trusting that HE does have a better plan for me & will lead me in the adventure...all I have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! ♥
Love that I get to play with her today!
I'm so thankful for another year with my amazing husband, and for the chance to live this life with our new baby girl. So here is to another year, of laying myself down & trusting that HE does have a better plan for me & will lead me in the adventure...all I have to do is sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride! ♥
Love that I get to play with her today!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Guilt
At the risk of being vulnerable to who knows how many people in this world read this...I'm going to share my heart...after all this was my 'journal' turned Ella blog...so I'm going to just share what I've been dealing with to get it all out & written down; confirming what I've learned.
So here recently I've been feeling guilt. Just guilt with lots of different things & I've been trying to shake it on my own, but of course that never works...well yesterday Jeremy said he would take Ella during the first service at church so I could go sit in & listen with out distraction. And wouldn't you know the topic for that morning was:
Guilt
-----------------------------------------------------
Here are some of my notes that I took seeing as I thought this message was specifically for me.
How do you deal with guilt?
Jesus wants us to live guilt free.
What comes to your mind when you think of the word guilt?
-I feel guilty that I haven't been in the Word.
(I am very scheduled & with Ella coming & the lack of sleep/not having to be at work, I have lost all sense of a schedule. I got back to work in two weeks & I'm trying to get that figured out...hence why I'm up at 4 this morning. Working out & spending time with the Lord is vital to me. Its how I am able to function & stay close to the Lord....so with that said I've felt really guilty because if I don't do it first thing in the morning...well I don't have the discipline to do it through the day.)
-I feel guilty when I need help.
(Or inadequate because I do need help. I have pride issues apparently! ha but I feel guilty that I can't get EVERYTHING done. House work, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of me, and then the all day task of caring for Ella. I just had expectations that I could do it all..and it makes me feel guilty that I can't.)
-I feel guilty for not breastfeeding.
(For those of you gasping right now...I am pumping so Ella is getting my breast milk...I just chose to pump instead of nurse...and well...you would not believe the onslaught of questions & guilt that is piled on you. From nurses to doctors, to midwives, and then there is the everyday normal person questioning why I am not nursing. I have been struggling with feeling guilty for not nursing her...but I AM giving her my milk so I guess I don't understand the judgement from people. Isn't her getting the milk the important part? But anyway...with that said...I've allowed myself to feel like a bad Mother because of people & their judgements...which has led to me feeling guilty.)
-I feel guilty for not feeling this instant connection with Ella.
(I had such a different perspective of how this would all be...granted I am five weeks into this & its gotten 100% better....but I didn't anticipate that I would have to "get to know" Ella. I just was always told that there is this instant bond with your baby & that you automatically feel this love like you've never felt before. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I have had to get to know this little life. She was a stranger to me, and I didn't know her, her personality, how she responded, how she acts, what she needed etc. So I was feeling guilty because I really didn't have an instant connection with her...like I hear so many women do with their child. So i was like...great...here is another area I am lacking in the Motherhood department. Not only do I feel guilty for not nursing, but I feel guilty now because I didn't feel this instant connection with her. My love for her is growing for sure...and of course I LOVE her & would completely broken if she wasn't in our lives...but that love has been growing for the past five weeks...it wasn't "just there.")
Guilt is a result of sin & Jesus came to take that away.
Romans 8:1
How do you get rid of guilt?
-guilt is NOT from God.
Fact: we are guilty & Jesus took that from us
Feel: subjective guilt, what you feel
There is no reason to FEEL guilty because the FACT is...you are not! (Romans 8:1)
1 Corinthians 4:4
1 John 3
Revelations 12 -accuser tries to keep us in guilt.
-guilt is not from God, then why do I feel guilt?
Guilt is the response
-2 Cor. 8-10, Godly sorrow brings repentance...guilt brings regret.
**Guilt is about US**
Psalm 32:1-11
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So as you can see what I learned was that, guilt is NOT from God. And that guilt is about SELF. Why am I in self? because I haven't spent time with the Lord...go figure. My time in the Word each morning is such a sweet time & fills me up & keeps me going. Feelings of guilt or any other kind of onslaught of attacks happen when I'm not connecting to the Fathers heart. So notes taken, lessons learned, guilt laid down. I am not guilty...Jesus covered my guilt & I won't pick it back up. The reasons I've felt guilt are lies & based on self & I won't pick them up. They are gone.
Thank you Lord for my sweet time with your this morning. I do repent for putting you on the back burner these past few weeks, as I've been adjusting to this new schedule. I apologize for my lack of discipline through out the day. Here is to a new week, and a new journey with you! I am so grateful for this little life (Ella) that you gave us. She has changed our world in so many ways, and I can't imagine not being able to be apart of this journey. From the past 2 years, you have rocked my world, turned me inside out & upside down & I would have it no other way. I am humbled & in awe standing on this side of the mountain. I feel like I'm standing at the top of the mountain taking in the breath taking view of what I just came through. The road was tough, it stretched me & changed me forever...and now I get to look back at where you've brought me...all the while holding & caring for this little miracle.
So here is to the next valley & next climbs that are in store. I pray that you would always be in front lighting my next steps. I love you so much Lord & am so filled up & grateful for this sweet time with you. I love you.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not guilty anymore. ♥
So here recently I've been feeling guilt. Just guilt with lots of different things & I've been trying to shake it on my own, but of course that never works...well yesterday Jeremy said he would take Ella during the first service at church so I could go sit in & listen with out distraction. And wouldn't you know the topic for that morning was:
Guilt
-----------------------------------------------------
Here are some of my notes that I took seeing as I thought this message was specifically for me.
How do you deal with guilt?
Jesus wants us to live guilt free.
What comes to your mind when you think of the word guilt?
-I feel guilty that I haven't been in the Word.
(I am very scheduled & with Ella coming & the lack of sleep/not having to be at work, I have lost all sense of a schedule. I got back to work in two weeks & I'm trying to get that figured out...hence why I'm up at 4 this morning. Working out & spending time with the Lord is vital to me. Its how I am able to function & stay close to the Lord....so with that said I've felt really guilty because if I don't do it first thing in the morning...well I don't have the discipline to do it through the day.)
-I feel guilty when I need help.
(Or inadequate because I do need help. I have pride issues apparently! ha but I feel guilty that I can't get EVERYTHING done. House work, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, taking care of me, and then the all day task of caring for Ella. I just had expectations that I could do it all..and it makes me feel guilty that I can't.)
-I feel guilty for not breastfeeding.
(For those of you gasping right now...I am pumping so Ella is getting my breast milk...I just chose to pump instead of nurse...and well...you would not believe the onslaught of questions & guilt that is piled on you. From nurses to doctors, to midwives, and then there is the everyday normal person questioning why I am not nursing. I have been struggling with feeling guilty for not nursing her...but I AM giving her my milk so I guess I don't understand the judgement from people. Isn't her getting the milk the important part? But anyway...with that said...I've allowed myself to feel like a bad Mother because of people & their judgements...which has led to me feeling guilty.)
-I feel guilty for not feeling this instant connection with Ella.
(I had such a different perspective of how this would all be...granted I am five weeks into this & its gotten 100% better....but I didn't anticipate that I would have to "get to know" Ella. I just was always told that there is this instant bond with your baby & that you automatically feel this love like you've never felt before. Call me crazy, but I didn't. I have had to get to know this little life. She was a stranger to me, and I didn't know her, her personality, how she responded, how she acts, what she needed etc. So I was feeling guilty because I really didn't have an instant connection with her...like I hear so many women do with their child. So i was like...great...here is another area I am lacking in the Motherhood department. Not only do I feel guilty for not nursing, but I feel guilty now because I didn't feel this instant connection with her. My love for her is growing for sure...and of course I LOVE her & would completely broken if she wasn't in our lives...but that love has been growing for the past five weeks...it wasn't "just there.")
Guilt is a result of sin & Jesus came to take that away.
Romans 8:1
How do you get rid of guilt?
-guilt is NOT from God.
Fact: we are guilty & Jesus took that from us
Feel: subjective guilt, what you feel
There is no reason to FEEL guilty because the FACT is...you are not! (Romans 8:1)
1 Corinthians 4:4
1 John 3
Revelations 12 -accuser tries to keep us in guilt.
-guilt is not from God, then why do I feel guilt?
Guilt is the response
-2 Cor. 8-10, Godly sorrow brings repentance...guilt brings regret.
**Guilt is about US**
Psalm 32:1-11
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
So as you can see what I learned was that, guilt is NOT from God. And that guilt is about SELF. Why am I in self? because I haven't spent time with the Lord...go figure. My time in the Word each morning is such a sweet time & fills me up & keeps me going. Feelings of guilt or any other kind of onslaught of attacks happen when I'm not connecting to the Fathers heart. So notes taken, lessons learned, guilt laid down. I am not guilty...Jesus covered my guilt & I won't pick it back up. The reasons I've felt guilt are lies & based on self & I won't pick them up. They are gone.
Thank you Lord for my sweet time with your this morning. I do repent for putting you on the back burner these past few weeks, as I've been adjusting to this new schedule. I apologize for my lack of discipline through out the day. Here is to a new week, and a new journey with you! I am so grateful for this little life (Ella) that you gave us. She has changed our world in so many ways, and I can't imagine not being able to be apart of this journey. From the past 2 years, you have rocked my world, turned me inside out & upside down & I would have it no other way. I am humbled & in awe standing on this side of the mountain. I feel like I'm standing at the top of the mountain taking in the breath taking view of what I just came through. The road was tough, it stretched me & changed me forever...and now I get to look back at where you've brought me...all the while holding & caring for this little miracle.
So here is to the next valley & next climbs that are in store. I pray that you would always be in front lighting my next steps. I love you so much Lord & am so filled up & grateful for this sweet time with you. I love you.
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not guilty anymore. ♥
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
August 11th
Happy one month old to my sweet baby Ella!
We love you so much & are so glad God has entrusted you to us! Our lives will never be the same & we are so thankful!
We love you so much & are so glad God has entrusted you to us! Our lives will never be the same & we are so thankful!
Monday, August 9, 2010
Video Blog
For all who are interested I thought I would share my youtube page with you as well. I will be uploading videos of Ella on there.
Here is the link to the page if you are intersted:
http://www.youtube.com/user/jannashown
Here is the link to the page if you are intersted:
http://www.youtube.com/user/jannashown
8.9.10
I had to post a blog entry on August 9, 2010! That's just fun! :)
Also tomorrow Ella is "officially" one month old! Sunday was four weeks since she was born, but the 11th will be one month! It has been getting so much better these past few weeks! I'm feeling more & more like myself, and actually starting to feel like a Mommy! So that is a huge relief! The first few weeks I felt so out of it & didn't feel a bond or connection with her, but everyday my love for her grows & I feel more & more bonded with her! Loving it for sure!
Well we are on our way home from Charlotte & I'm happy to say we survived! Well...we aren't home yet, but I'm pretty sure we will make it! Ella did wonderful! This morning was pretty rough. I think she was just fighting sleep though. One we got on the road & to IKEA she finally fell asleep & has been sleeping ever since so that has been wonderful!
We got some more stuff at IKEA for our house...we love that place! So I'm excited to get home to put curtains up, dishes away & frames hung!
We had a nice visit with Matt & Rachael too, it was good to get away for a bit.
I only have 3 weeks of maternity left. I will be really sad to not be with Ella all day every day, but I think it will be good. I really miss everyone & will be really glad to get in a routine again! I go back August 30th & that is the week Jeremy will be in Nicaragua. So his mom is going to come stay with us that week, so that will be super helpful!
Also in September I committed to lead a table for a womens Bible study. We will be going through Beth Moores study Breaking Free. Again really glad to get back into a routine & start getting filled back up! I feel myself going dry some & I will be really glad to get back to studying & being with the Lord on a regular basis.
Hope all is well with every one!
Also tomorrow Ella is "officially" one month old! Sunday was four weeks since she was born, but the 11th will be one month! It has been getting so much better these past few weeks! I'm feeling more & more like myself, and actually starting to feel like a Mommy! So that is a huge relief! The first few weeks I felt so out of it & didn't feel a bond or connection with her, but everyday my love for her grows & I feel more & more bonded with her! Loving it for sure!
Well we are on our way home from Charlotte & I'm happy to say we survived! Well...we aren't home yet, but I'm pretty sure we will make it! Ella did wonderful! This morning was pretty rough. I think she was just fighting sleep though. One we got on the road & to IKEA she finally fell asleep & has been sleeping ever since so that has been wonderful!
We got some more stuff at IKEA for our house...we love that place! So I'm excited to get home to put curtains up, dishes away & frames hung!
We had a nice visit with Matt & Rachael too, it was good to get away for a bit.
I only have 3 weeks of maternity left. I will be really sad to not be with Ella all day every day, but I think it will be good. I really miss everyone & will be really glad to get in a routine again! I go back August 30th & that is the week Jeremy will be in Nicaragua. So his mom is going to come stay with us that week, so that will be super helpful!
Also in September I committed to lead a table for a womens Bible study. We will be going through Beth Moores study Breaking Free. Again really glad to get back into a routine & start getting filled back up! I feel myself going dry some & I will be really glad to get back to studying & being with the Lord on a regular basis.
Hope all is well with every one!
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Road Trip!
Well today Jeremy had the idea to travel down to Charlotte NC to see our friends Matt & Rachael....so right now we are on our very first family road trip! We left at 4:15 & it's now 7:25pm & we are still an hour & 1/2 away at least. So needless to say traveling with an infant takes longer. :)
Ella has been doing well, she broke down at a couple wet diapers, & because she was hungry, but now she is wide eyed & looking at her frog toy that attaches to the car seat. :)
It's been good for Jeremy to get some time to just talk without just zoning out by watching TV due to exhaustion. So far so good! I'll keep you posted on how the rest of the trip goes!
Ella has been doing well, she broke down at a couple wet diapers, & because she was hungry, but now she is wide eyed & looking at her frog toy that attaches to the car seat. :)
It's been good for Jeremy to get some time to just talk without just zoning out by watching TV due to exhaustion. So far so good! I'll keep you posted on how the rest of the trip goes!
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
ugh....
Well its hard when you are scrambling for time to blog...and then you hit something & your whole post you typed out deletes. :(
But I just wanted to update everyone....Ella is doing great! She is actually focusing on stuff & she lays on her little mat looking at her toys(she is right now, has been there for the last 20 minutes!!). She is getting better at diaper changes now too...not every time do we have a completely & total melt down. :) Bath time has been more pleasant too! Its been so great to watch her changed even in these past 3 weeks. we feel completely blessed that God has entrusted us to care for her! She brings us such joy, every day gets better too! We are so thankful. ♥
Things on a personal note for me are going well...feeling more & more like myself, so that has been so great! I went out for the first time with a friend last night, and I wasn't anticipating the guilty feelings...that was new for me. I just felt bad for leaving her...and Jeremy. But I did go, and had a great time! I think it was much needed. One thing for me that I need to prepare more time for is...my time with the Lord. I know I can't say, "there is no time" there IS time its just managing it in a way that I actually spend time with Him. I miss that. So that will be changing here soon! Don't want to go dry.
But all in all things are going well for us, Jeremy is an outstanding Father already! He is so hands on with her & helps out so much, I am so lucky!
I wanted to post some pictures from my parents visit too...Jeremy took these of them, I think they turned out fantastic! Hope all is well with everyone! we love & miss you!!
But I just wanted to update everyone....Ella is doing great! She is actually focusing on stuff & she lays on her little mat looking at her toys(she is right now, has been there for the last 20 minutes!!). She is getting better at diaper changes now too...not every time do we have a completely & total melt down. :) Bath time has been more pleasant too! Its been so great to watch her changed even in these past 3 weeks. we feel completely blessed that God has entrusted us to care for her! She brings us such joy, every day gets better too! We are so thankful. ♥
Things on a personal note for me are going well...feeling more & more like myself, so that has been so great! I went out for the first time with a friend last night, and I wasn't anticipating the guilty feelings...that was new for me. I just felt bad for leaving her...and Jeremy. But I did go, and had a great time! I think it was much needed. One thing for me that I need to prepare more time for is...my time with the Lord. I know I can't say, "there is no time" there IS time its just managing it in a way that I actually spend time with Him. I miss that. So that will be changing here soon! Don't want to go dry.
But all in all things are going well for us, Jeremy is an outstanding Father already! He is so hands on with her & helps out so much, I am so lucky!
I wanted to post some pictures from my parents visit too...Jeremy took these of them, I think they turned out fantastic! Hope all is well with everyone! we love & miss you!!
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